Writing Feedback / To Defund or To Not Defund The Police [2]

Try to provide a backstory in the first paragraph regarding the development of the movement to defund the police. The first paragraph should educate the reader as to how the situation developed and what strong historical reasons back the claim to remove police funding from the blue. If you can provide even a simple or recent history of the movement, then the first paragraph will have succeeded in offering an informative backgrounder prior to your thesis statement.

Your first paragraph should also respond to the question provided. You need to provide your direct opinion as a part of the thesis statement. Do you believe the cops should be defunded? If yes, why? If no, why? Then present the reform statement at the end. The first paragraph should effectively sum up the discussion topics you will be providing to support your opinion. That is currently the weakest aspect of the first paragraph. You can develop that paragraph further if the word count requirement will allow for it.

The question provided seems to be one of a personal opinion statement. However, you have presented a general discussion statement based on research public opinion. I am not sure if that is the right approach to take with this essay due to the pointed prompt provided. I suggest you ask your professor if you should use a public or personal statement for the discussion as that was not made clear by the prompt due to non-indicated writing requirements. Overall though, the essay is good, informative, and takes a stand with regards to the prompt presented.

Graduate / GKS-G Personal Statement for AI & Natural Language Processing [2]

The early part of the essay is a good introduction to your profession, but does not really apply itself as a motivational response. The motivational response should depict the experiences that you have had within the world of Machine Translation that has influenced your desire to attend this specific masters course. The first few paragraph lends itself mostly to the development of your interest in the course. However, being a G applicant means that you are beyond the high school. You need to portray your motivation in a manner that allows the reviewer to see your motivation as a forward thinking professional. Someone who wants to come to Korea, as a part of the motivating factors, because of the trends that Korean Machine Translation has set as international standards. Think of what you want to achieve as supported by the learning potential offered by Korea along these lines. You have created a tentative mention of this, but not solid enough to create a strong and convincing motivation factor.

While you can mention the other relevant activities you have had in relation to risks taken and accomplishments, try to play up the EM+Projext "X" aspect. That is a considerable accomplishment that relates to your ability to function as an international scholar. It will show that you understand the risks you have to take and what you are expected to accomplish and, most importantly, that you can accomplish what is expected of your as a scholar.

Writing Feedback / Describe a graph about the number of common Dolphins seen in Santa Barbara Channel from 1996-2001. [2]

This type of data reporting or summary presentation will not get a passing score in an actual test. Why? Well, for starters, the minimum word count is 150 words. You only wrote 81 words. That means you will lose a certain percentage of TA points for not writing the minimum word count. The large percentage of deductions in your TA presentation will result in an automatic TA failing score. Which, unfortunately, means that you will not be able to catch up with the remaining scoring considerations for you to be able to get a passing score. I am sorry about that. I will not be able to help you beyond this point because of the lack of proper paragraph presentations. Please write a new essay that presents the standard 3 paragraph presentation composed of 1 summary overview and 2 information detail paragraphs. Once you write a new essay that meets the minimum paragraph and word count requirements, I will be able to properly assess your essay and offer useful recommendations for improvement.

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship Essay (Master of Public Policy) [3]


- Do not make this a side note. Make this a part of the statement since it is highly relevant information at the moment.


Do not use quoted information and reference to sources as a part of your response. Use your own words. This has to be a personal explanation. Remember the reference point for the response is "Why did YOU choose", therefore, the reason must be persona, even if based on a national plan or government program. Just frame it for a personal reference. Everything else in the presentation is acceptable.

You have a pretty well developed paragraph in relation to your course and university choice based on its relevance to your career requirements. I believe these are the best parts of your presentation. The areas I pointed out above are what I view to be problem points that need to be improved to better relate to the later paragraph presentations.

Scholarship / Being resilient - Personal Statement GKS-G MBA Aspirant [3]

Will you be presenting evidence of your being a Korean War descendant? The reason I ask is because of the heavy focus your paper has on your Korean heritage, despite being a Mexican. I understand that this will make your application quite strong, compared to the other applicants. However, this background does not really provide any interesting and significant experiences, achievements, activities, or other considerations for your application. I do not know if it is because you decided to focus on the descendant aspect, or if it is because there is a real weakness to your information for consideration once the reviewer gets past the Korean war connection.

I do not read any evidence of your familiarity with the Korean culture and working style in a manner that would prove that you were truly raised in the Korean way, based on the family background. It has to go beyond food and character aspects. You should not be telling the reviewer these things, you have to show it within your family background, relationships, education, and work ethic. All of which are sorely lacking in this presentation.

Undergraduate / Own glass of lemonade. A REALIZATION THAT SPARKED A PERIOD OF PERSONAL GROWTH OR NEW UNDERSTANDING [2]

You are spreading yourself too thin in this essay. You only need one period of realization. The Lemon and Lemonade discussion already accomplished that effectively. However, the second the last paragraph confuses the presentation. The life lesson there is no longer related to the previous discussion. Remove that paragraph and the essay will be good to go. By the way, in the third paragraph, before you use the "lemonade" mention, don't forget to use the "lemon" presentation first. Use the actual word since you mentioned that you were dealing with "lemons and lemonade". When using an analogy, always use both representations otherwise the reader will wonder where the other part of the representation comes in. It makes the presentation uneven.

Graduate / Fascination for things that fly. Personal statement for MS in Aerospace Engineering [2]

The Personal Statement should not be so loaded with the courses you completed both on and offline. You practically listed all of the courses that you took while a student and during your private time. Choose only the subjects that are pre-requisites for the courses you will be taking under this masters course. You should also include a reference to your professional exposure which further fueled your interests in this field. Right now, You are over informing based on courses taken. As for awards won and nominations, save those for the statement of purpose where it can help to enhance your professional and theoretical skills presentation.

I am not convinced by the reasons you provided for your university choice. It is so generic, it could apply to any university you are applying to. For the university aspect, you need to provide more specifics regarding the unique course syllabus they are offering and also, why you believe that additional training in this course, in the country you have chosen will actually help to enhance your professional and theoretical skills.

Writing Feedback / Making the band the best it can be. Is my drum major essay good? [2]

I am not really sure how good this essay is because I am not familiar with the writing requirements for the essay. I am sure you were asked to write about specific things right? Respond to direct questions? I am not sure how well you did in those aspects because there is no guideline for the review. Anyway, I can still give you a general review of your work just the same.

It would be best for you to not use the word "I think" as that connotes uncertainty on your part and a slight unwillingness to accomplish something. You have already thrown in the idea that you are willing to do anything to become a drum major so suddenly throwing that wrench in with "I think that I would be willing" kind of throws water on the first, the excitement and certainty that you first created.

Aside from that observation, you appear to have a strong inclination to be a drum major in the band and, you are willing to do and say anything to get the spot. Your eagerness if strong and your abilities are well enumerated. I hope the band directors see you in the same way. I wish you the best of luck with your application. Let us know how it goes.

Writing Feedback / Social networks are gradually replacing the direct communication among many people [2]

Okay, I am not going to review this essay beyond the task accuracy requirements and your writing response. Since you wrote only 222 words, the essay will automatically receive points deductions for an incomplete minimum word count. This could actually cause you to get a final failing score in the actual test because the TA requirements for writing were not met.

Your response is correct in the sense that you focused your response to the question on the "outweigh" section of the question. Your reasoning responses also focused on this defense although some paragraphs are better presented than the others in terms of clarity and connected explanations / examples.

The next problem though, is in the concluding summary, which you failed to properly write. You did not stick to simply repeating your opinion and reasons, you changed the discussion angle from the "outweigh" portion to "advantages and disadvantages". You changed the discussion parameters at the end, which is not good for your final scoring consideration. Just summarize the presentation next time.

Scholarship / Essay AAS for Master of Public Health degree in Australia [3]

For starters, separate the presentation into topic paragraphs for easy reading. This current format is hard on the eyes, making it difficult to read. The compressed words do not help the reviewer gain a sense of clarity in your writing. It also makes it difficult to follow what you are trying to say.

Separate the university and course choice discussions. One paragraph, one university, one related course. Never try to qualify the universities on the same strengths because these universities have a preference ranking with you, based on your academic and professional requirements. Since you have only 400 words to use in response, you may want to focus specifically on the university and course choices rather than the lengthy explanation of the profession you are engaged in. Rather than introducing that separately, integrate the information instead as one of the deciding factors for your course and university choices. That way the presentation becomes short, informative, and relevant on all fronts.

Writing Feedback / In last 20 century the population city increases dramatically [2]

Sorry, no scoring unless you avail of our private review services. Students who score your essay will find their accounts immediately suspended. However, you will be able to figure out the type of score you will be getting based on the overall review of your essay that I will be providing.

You need to build your English vocabulary and also, your understanding of the meaning of English words. Your English word usage is obviously ESL beginner, which is the worst kind of English speaker as they normally cannot form clearly presented, coherent sentences. That is the main problem with your presentation. You also did not respond properly to the question provided which is "To what extent" instead, you only agree, without a degree of measurement such as "I strongly agree / disagree". Your thesis presentation is incomplete as you do not clue in the examiner on the reason behind your opinion. For example, you could have said: " I based this opinion on the publicly known information that..."

This is only a 4 paragraph essay because it is not a comparative plus personal opinion essay. While you will not be losing any points for writing 5 paragraphs, writing 5 problematic paragraphs only creates more errors on your part that, in this case, further led to the failing score of this essay.

Graduate / Supply Chain - Personal Statement Graduate GKS, Industrial Engineering [2]

Though your introduction to Korea is an interesting aspect of this presentation, it does not reflect a direct connection between your academic and professional interests in relation to your interests in studying your masters course in Korea. The motivating factor has to be inspired by the accomplishments of Korea in the supply chain field and your desire to emulate certain specific factors in Indonesia. Though referred to in this essay, it is too simplistic and general in reference. These information should be more specific than the irrelevant and Hallyu reference at the start. Such common reference points as a motivation are common and unimpressive. You need to show your mature mindset by referring to Korea on an academic and professional basis.

Scholarship / Confidence and expertise - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

The problem with this presentation is still the lack of leadership skills and your direct participation, in a leadership role, that created a positive effect on the lives of people. In this presentation you focus on the contribution of the organizations, not your personal contribution. Yes, you translated text to help the people learn. Where is the community leadership function in that? Yes the organization helpes fund some project. Did you have a leadership function in any of these scenarios? Do you see the problem with your choice of topic focus? It is difficult for you to justify a direct community participation and leadershop skill because of your follower, rather than leader function in the overall set up.

Writing Feedback / (Task 2)Topic: Technology is being used to monitor people. Will the pros of this outweigh the cons? [2]

The first paragraph does not contain enough of a restatement presentation for it to not be judged most as cut and paste presentation of specific aspects from the original prompt. It is important for your TA score to show that you have the ability to explain a topic that has been explained to you with originality and clarity. It is the essence of the original discussion you should be presenting in your own words, without and word usage taken from the original presentation.

As this is a single opinion essay, it is impoetant that you support youe opinion only with justifiable data rather than a comparative presentation. While your restatement shows a clear opinion, your reasoning paragraph creates confusion for the reader due to your sudden support for both opinions in the reasoning paragraphs. You have obviously not decided on a particular opinion to support, thus creating a divided opinion where you first stated, with clarity, an opinion that you actually support in the first paragraph. Focus on the reasons for the outweighing reasons only next time to avoid confusing your opinion and reasoning paragraphs next time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 Advertisements are extremely successful at persuading people to buy things [3]

In the restatement paragraph, you should represent both public opinions from the original presentation. This is a requirement that will help you produce a more accurate representation of the original prompt and its discussion requirements. It is alright for you to support an opinion from the very start, provided you properly support it in the 3 reasoning paragraphs.

Your format is inappropriate as it does not use 3rd person references when discussing the general points of view for both parties, thus making it questionable as to whose opinion is being presented. You cannot use first person group pronouns throughout the essay because your opinion is to be presented separately as per the diacussion instructions. Represent the public opinion explanations first. Your personal opinion requires its own paragraph based on the 3 discussion format for this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS General Writing Task 1: Seaside Hotel Booking [4]

We allow only 1 essay per thread. One more double essay posting and your account will be suspended !!!

Your first essay is a grammatical mess. You need to focus your lessons on the following:

- singular v. plural
- present, past, future tense usage
- simple sentence structuring
- punctuation usage

I cannot even begin to explain how grammatically incorrect your presentation is. I would have to rewrite the whole essay to show you how to correct all the errors in every sentence and paragraph presentation.

It is important that you stop writing practice essays at the moment. That is because you are still incapable of creating a basic English sentence, much less a paragraph. You would immediately get a failing score in the LR, and GRA sections based on this presentation, resulting in a final failing score.

Work on improving your vocabulary first, then learn the basic structures of a simple sentence. There are free apps that can help you do that.

Do not focus on the essay exercises yet. Your ESL skills will not allow you to create the kind of sentences that can help you pass the test yet.

Poetry / How to write an analysis of the poem? [4]

First, you will need to list the possible themes each covered in the poem.once you have thatist, yiu can decide on which of those you will base your analysis on. Tey to find a commonality in your analysis of the content that will relate to a character or theme. Then develop your title based on those elements.

Writing a poem analysis requires some deep thinking in your part. I have always told my students not to focus on the title of thwir analysis. Focus on the analysis first, the title will automatically come to you.

The writing devices can only help you find the theme or characterization of the written presentation. It will not help yoi develop a creative title. That will all depend upon how inspired you will be by the analysis that you have created for the poem.

Writing Feedback / In some countries, men and women are having children late in life. Indicate the causes and effects. [2]


- The essence of the sentence is correct, but the reference point is wrong. It is not "couples" that is referred to in the original, it is "some countries around the world". Therefore, your reference point should be a synonym of the same such as "Internationally, couples are..." or "There is a global trend of..." to name a few replacement references for the phrase.

Good work on your direct responses to the questions. These relevant topic references have clearly shown the examiner that you understood the questions, and will be discussing relevant subjects in the reasoning paragraphs. These will definitely help your TA and C&C scores.

Since you are being asked for your personal reference points, then you did a good job in using first person pronouns to clearly indicate your opinion. A general discussion would have worked, without reference to pronouns, but that would have lessened the impact and clarity of your discussion presentation. This way, the presentation remains cohesive based on the fact that you are making it clear that you are the speaker in the presentation.

This is missing a concluding paragraph. The presentation is open ended. The last paragraph is not an appropriate summary conclusion. Rather, it is an expanded discussion of your personal opinion. The essay would have been better had you decided to not write paragraph 3 anymore, since it is only an addendum to the previous paragraph, which already responded to the question. Instead, the current last paragraph appropriately responds to the second question, thus making the essay more cohesive and offering you a chance to write a more applicable reverse paraphrase.

Writing Feedback / TEM AND SEM ANALYSIS IN TITANIUM DIOIXDE NANOTUBE AND GRAPHENE OXIDE COMPOSITE [2]

It is more difficult to analyze this presentation for correct references and illustrative points because you did not include a copy of the image with the statement. At this point, I will just have to take your word for it and assume that your statements are based on accurate understandings of the illustrative images. You may way to separate these into figure paragraphs though to make it easier for the people to read and compare the content. As it is, the paper is difficult to follow.

What I do sense, is a sort of summarized presentation on your part. Rather than getting into the nitty gritty of the descriptive process, you are taking shortcuts in your presentation. Since I do not have a copy of the image to compare your writing to, I can only assume that you have reasons for doing this. However, just like with any instructional image, it is always best to thresh things out in the long form, rather than hoping that your short form is an accurate enough presentation of the original instructions and analysis.

Scholarship / GKS-G Personal Statement - Creative Economy Diplomacy [3]

The way that you speak of the wealth that your family has highlights that you do not need this scholarship to gain an education overseas. Not as much as a far more deserving, economically challenged applicant for the scholarship. Your family background and perceived wealth, specially since you had the opportunity to pursue a double degree overseas, without the need for a scholarship, makes it highly evident that you have no need for financial support for your studies abroad. Your wealth is actually what weakens your application. If I were you, I would not speak of how your parents were able to easily afford your education, nor any reference to the wealth of your parents because it really makes you a weaker candidate. If you were chosen for the double major based on a scholarship, and did not need your parents financial support, because you were a scholar, then you have to make that clear in the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 Some people believe that the best way to stay fit and healthy is simply to lead a normal life [2]

Scoring is a premium service. Contact us privately. Student scoring = Ban !

Your essay misses the minimum word count by only one word. That is too bad. Even a single word that makes you come under the word count will have a minimal effect on your TA score. Yes, it is minimal, but a deduction is still a deduction and could affect the final score for your paper in the end. Always write more than 250 words, but less than 300 words. 5 sentences per paragraph will automatically help you achieve the magic word count.

There will be additional TA points deductions in the prompt restatement section as you do not properly respond to the question for the discussion. Rather than an extent response, you provided only an opinion. Such a presentation is a prompt deviation which will be considered non-responsive to the discussion instruction / question provided. You will be score in the TA section on that basis. As such, the TA score will not be in the passing range and could actually help to further prevent your essay from achieving a passing score. That is because of the other scoring considerations where your essay also proves to have significant errors.

Scholarship / Doctoral Degree for AAS 2021 [5]

You are constantly saying the same thing in the 3 reference points. You are failing to disclose the 3 methods by which you hope to achieve these intentions. For every intention, there must be a plan of action regarding its implementation and development. There are 3 areas you have to justify in this essay:

Knowledge - Information transference and sharing through a specific learning method. Either through workplace training of your peers or some other method

Learning Atmosphere - Perhaps you would be willing to be an online tutor to those wanting to develop their basic skills? Maybe become an in-class lecturer? Or something along those lines

Connections - promotion of the scholarship through network enhancement within your workplace or other channels. How would your network be able to help you further promote information sharing and development? Why would this benefit your country? These are some of the considerations for the networking explanation that you may consider.

Writing Feedback / It is unreasonable to say that a wild animal has no place in the 21st century. IELTS 2 [4]

Please contact us privately for scoring services. Student Scoring = Ban !

Your prompt restatement is totally incorrect. It does not refer to the information from the original prompt. You should have written this in a manner similar to the following:

There is an idea that free roaming animals have no relevance in the new millenia. Therefore, animal conservation in this instance is an inappropriate use of reserves. I completely disagree with this point of view owing to the reason that....

The second reasoning paragraph is more concise and coherent when compared to the first reasoning paragraph. The problem with the first reasoning paragraph is that you focused on the reasons, but neglected to develop the explanations. Which is why the 2 reasons did not nothing but present an under develop, non-cohesive, and little coherent explanation for the reasons. It is a paragraph that does not work to help your score because it lacks clarity.

Scholarship / Learning languages - my study plan. STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR KOREAN SCHOLARSHIP [3]

It is great that you are a polyglot, but that is not the focus of the essay. This is a single paragraph response to a series of discussion instructions. For the study plan, focus on how you are preparing to learn Hangeul, before and after your arrival in Korea. The second paragraph is a good start. Just incorporate your polyglot status into a single sentence at the start instead. Develop the paragraph to have a clearer indication of your language lessons. Not just through the watching of Korean dramas, but actual language learning either through apps, chatrooms, or other avenues of language learning.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 pros and cons: ocean creatures relocated in amusement parks [2]

Refrain from making factual statements in your presentations in relation to the restatements. You should not do that because you are not being asked to ascertain the accuracy of a given statement in the presentation. Rather, the presentation is only that of a topic sentence, which does not need any verification from the writer. Do not include writing actions that are not part of a proper restatement or response to the discussion question or instructions for the presentation.

As this is an "outweigh" discussion, there is no need to use a comparative discussion format. That is because you already stated a clear singular opinion in response to the discussion question. Both reasoning paragraphs will properly respond to the discussion requirement when you explain or defend only the side that you support or gave credence to in your thesis presentation.

The score is based on the clarity of your explanation of your point of view. You cannot achieve that when you give one opinion, but then try to defend both opinions in the reasoning paragraph. That creates an incoherent discussion presentation. It means your opinion is no longer clear to the reader because you went from believing in one opinion, to seeing the reason for both opinions. Meaning the task accuracy will be scored on an unclear opinion presentation, pulling down the possible score for that section and creating a heavy loss in your final scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / Spending money just when earn it or saving them for some future plans? [3]

Seeing that this is a prompt for a Task 2 essay, you will only have 40 minutes to write, edit, revise, and finalize your task discussion. Now, I understand that you can type in a manner that would shame a secretary in terms of speed, that does not equate to a properly formatted nor discussed task 2 essay. With only 40 minutes allotted, you should not be writing more than 300 words for this task. That is, if you want to focus on a higher score based on the scoring requirements, none of which consider the number of words that you can type. Rather, the cohesiveness and clarity of your discussion points matter the most when the examiner begins to score your work.

One of the major errors in your presentation is in the first paragraph. The prompt restatement. You did not simply restate the prompt as required, but you added information that is not a part of the originally presented discussion topic. The examiners dislike it very much when you add information to the restatement because that changes the original meaning of the prompt. Even if you finally get back on track to the original topic discussion, the damage has been done to the original presentation by your ill informed decision to include information that you want to state, regardless of its non-inclusion in the original presentation.

The task 2 essay does not require a research paper type of discussion nor analysis as you did in this paper. Learn to write clearly in a quick manner. That means, using no more than the 300 word allowance for writing. 5 sentences per paragraph will more than suffice in proving your comprehension and writing abilities. How else can you be judged on your ability to be able to clearly explain yourself to an ENL person right? Keep it simple. You are not writing an opinion paper for publication. You are merely proving your English writing and grammar skills.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master in Research and Innovation in Higher Education (MaRIHE) [3]

Words of uncertainty do not help your presentation. So the word "seems" in the first paragraph totally makes that part of the presentation useless. In fact, it is an unnecessary presentation in this letter. You can actually remove that and go immediately to the second paragraph presentation. Remember that the reviewers are pressed for time when reading applicant essays. They appreciate less flowery worded applications. Just get to the point as soon as you can so that they can fully consider everything about your application without having to wade through word fillers or irrelevant (as far as they are concerned) information.

Actually, the rest of the essay just needs to be edited for content and presentation. Like I said you tend to use too many words and representations when you should be direct to the point. Nothing a professional editing service cannot provide for you. You may wish to contact me directly for that service.

Writing Feedback / "Many people think there is an increase of antisocial behavior and a lack of respect to others." [2]

In the prompt restatement, you are offering a factual statement rather than a representation of your understanding of the original discussion topic. What is provided for your interpretation is a questionable opinion from a public perspective. The repetition should follow those lines without changing the "questionable" aspect of the topic presentation. You could have better restated this as:

A portion of the population speculate that there is a growing trend towards unsociable conduct and impoliteness towards one another. I believe that this is caused by 2 reasons namely; ... The matter can be remedied through...

In the causes paragraph ( paragraph 2 ), you are over discussing the topic. This caused you to use 2 fully developed and related reasons and one under developed and little explored topic. Since the essay will be scored on Cohesiveness and Coherence, you should stick only 2 related discussion topics in a single paragraph. That is not impossible to do. You already did it for the first 2 reasons which are working overtime and stress.

Kindly notice how I restated the original topic without changing the original information. I merely changed the keywords and interpreted the topic based on my understanding of the original topic. Then I used 2 sentences to create my thesis presentation covering the causes and solutions/improvements with regards to the topic.

Writing Feedback / Igcse English as a second language (0511) article writing [2]

Since you already knew beforehand that you are allowed to write only up to 210 words, why did you present me with a 224 word essay to review? You do know that you will be expected to edit your writing for word count and clarity during the actual test right? It is best that you begin that practice during your practice essays. That way you will be automatically trained to edit your word count, along with the clarity of the presentation. Remember to automatically do that next time. You will benefit from it during the actual test.

The first sentence of your article should be directly related to space exploration. When writing articles, the first sentence should always kick off with a topic sentence because the reader expects to be clued into the content of the presentation paragraph right off. I am not sure how beneficial the quote from Richard Ludwig will be during the actual test since you may not have the benefit of using the internet at the testing center. So it is better to stick to a personalized discussion of the given topic.

Kindly remember to proof read your paper for grammar and writing errors prior to submission. Failure to proofread results in words that do not need to be capitalized being capitalized and remaining so without correction. Such errors will affect your score because of your grammar rule violation. Proof reading and editing is of the utmost importance in any English language test as it proves your ability to correctly use the English language in the manner required.

Writing Feedback / Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of using intelligent robots [2]

Your first paragraph does not relate to the original topic presentation. It is not a prompt restatement but rather, an immediate discussion of the provided topic. You will not be able to get a good TA score in this section because you failed to properly restate the original discussion topic, the reasons for the discussion, and the proper discussion instruction you were provided. Your thesis statement totally altered the discussion presentation from an A/D paragraph presentation to a personally created prompt for the discussion. This will result in a failed Task Accuracy representation. You are not being asked to present an personal opinion in this task. You are being asked to only present the advantage and disadvantage sans a personal opinion. Do not include discussion actions not required in the original presentation. Had the essay asked you to "discuss both views and give an opinion", then your discussion format would have been more appropriate for the presentation.

Writing Feedback / The idea of hosting an international sports events has brought several controversies. Pros and cons. [2]

You have over written this essay. You do not need more than 300 words in the presentation since you have only 40 minutes to write the perfect essay from drafting, editing, and finalizing the content. Do not just type as many words as you can for the heck of it. Remember, the number of words over the minimum word count are not scored. Write under the minimum word count and you receive a penalty, Write more than that, and you do not get any additional points for it. Rather, it opens you up to more writing errors and unclear paragraph presentations.

Try to open your paragraphs with topic sentences rather than memorized phrases like "On the one hand" and "first and foremost" because these do not help prove your English writing abilities in any way. Rather it unnecessarily lengthens the essay, without adding to any coherence or cohesive devices on which you are scored. Try to limit yourself to one reason per paragraph because, as you can see from your second rand third reasoning paragraphs, your second reasons are as not as well explained and developed as the paragraph presentations. This then lowered your paragraph score because it then became an under developed discussion presentation. This is precisely why you should not aim to write too many words in the essay. Anywhere between 250 -300 words will suffice and keep the essay on a clear track.

Writing Feedback / It is argued that people should take meat out of food list and become vegetarians. Do you agree? [2]

If you notice, in the original discussion, there is no argument being presented. Only an idea is being represented as a discussion topic. Then you were asked to agree or disagree with the idea. As there is no "argument" being presented, it is incorrect for you to represent it as such in the restatement. You have inaccurately restated the prompt. Do not use argument reference words where there are none or none is provided in the first presentation. Exaggerations such as these create prompt deviations as these change the original statement presentation. It will result in some percentage deductions in your TA score due to prompt restatement inaccuracy. Additionally, you are using an extent essay format ( I totally disagree...) where only a simple statement of your supported side is required.

You have several vocabulary issues in this presentation ranging from improper vocabulary usage to wrong spelling and use of a foreign language (Spanish word "mecina") in an English only essay. These are additional point deductions that will definitely prevent you from receiving a baseline passing score.

Scholarship / Aerospace engineer - concept, theory, or topic you have explored [2]

You failed to respond to the prompt in totality. You need to discuss your intellectual curiosity first, then why you were intrigued by it, and finally, how you will explore it as a college student. If you were fascinated by projectiles in motion, then say so but do not go into the history of what that is. You used almost the whole word allowance in just defining that, rather than explaining what intrigued you about it, say you became curious about how projectiles in motion can reach Mars within 2 days rather 6 months, or something like that. Then in the end, explain how you plan to explore this curious thought of yours by turning it into a reality as a college student. Do not refer to the masters degree yet. It seems you are still aiming to get your first degree at this point.

Scholarship / Learning another way to think about things. Language study plan essay [3]

If you read the writing instructions for this part of the GKS application, you will notice that you are given only a limited space to write your response in and, you are instructed to delete the writing instructions / topic guidelines after you have responded to each part. That is because you are write only 1 - 2 paragraphs at the most in response to the question. The full response, based on each section you have to respond to, should not be more than 1 page. Therefore, you will need to write a response that is shorter than this. Make it concise. Type directly into the response box to make sure that you will not go over the allotted writing space. This essay is just too long for the allotted presentation space.

Undergraduate / "Write Down Your Key Achievements"- GIST undergraduate admission. If possible, kindly help me out. [2]

A reviewer will read this presentation and realize that there is nothing special about you. What you consider achievements are actually just "average" and easily accomplished by anybody who is involved in the same type of job, interests, and hobbies. It does not make you stand out as an applicant because there are no notable accomplishments to support these interests. Where are the awards and recognition?" Where are the published papers? Where is the leadership ability that affected a community positively? Where is the potential to be a notable member of the student community? No. This is not the type of response that will help your application advance at the university. These are not truly key achievements because every applicant can claim to have the same accomplishments, which also makes them an average applicant rather than a notable or stand out applicant.

Scholarship / COVID-19 x-ray medical images. How did you choose your proposed course and institution? [2]

Kick off the essay with the Indonesia-Australia Cooperation Covid 19 Response plan first. That way you immediately catch the eye of the reviewer and, clearly indicate, without even getting into the specific details yet, why you chose your proposed course and Australia for your advanced studies. I would like you remove the reference to the prospective supervisor if possible. That is because it will be better to keep this as a general statement that implies a willingness on your part to simply learn at the university, regardless of who you will be learning from and collaborating with. It will help to increase the general statement and heighten your application consideration to a certain level.

Scholarship / I am a young leader, who is hunting for knowledge - UGRAD exchange program application [2]

The essay does not respond to the most important requirement of the essay which is a discussion of the evidence that proves you are currently a community leader and that you have the potential to be a future notable leader in your country. You keep on telling the reviewer that you are a community leader and that you have leadership skills. However, you have failed to justify those claims through your discussion presentation. As we often tell the students, show do not tell. Telling the reviewer is not the same as showing. When you show, you prove the discussion requirements. When you tell, you just imply your skills without evidence. This makes your application less considerable. You should work on focusing on the leadership and community leadership evidence requirement of the discussion prompt. This essay cannot be used for your application. Not a single part of it can be recycled for use in your new response essay.

Writing Feedback / Do you like living with wealthy people or those who come from different social class? [3]

Well, you definitely presented a clear choice in your first sentence in this paragraph. However, improper punctuation mark usage created confusion in the understanding of your presentation. You have a comma where a period is required and ellipses to represent a train of unspoken thought when the presentation should have instead ended. There are also improperly developed sentences that use wrong vocabulary ( ... children towards tend to be grumpies grumps). You have the ability to write in proper English grammar. You just need to work on your vocabulary and word usage. You can also write in an interesting manner. However, the errors in your presentation based on grammar rules and vocabulary guidelines are what prevented your paragraph from becoming a clearly enjoyable read.

Essays / PERSONAL STATEMENT - master program / knowledge and respect of Korean culture [2]

I cannot help you in this case because you did not post an essay for my review. Only you can write the essay based on the information provided because you know your background as it relates to the information requirement. All I can tell you, is that you have to write a balanced essay that properly delivers the required information. Focus the content heavily on information that will prove the following:

- The development of your research skills
- The person who influenced your decision to continue to higher studies
- The professional reason that makes you seek higher studies (related to helping your country)
- Academic and professional achievements that will help you become a competitive candidate

Other than these, you have to decide on the type of information and how you will present it. I look forward to reading your essay draft when you feel you are ready to have it reviewed.

Undergraduate / UGRAD - I can resolve Georgia's internal and external problems [3]

You are showing your leadership abilities as a team member. You speak of your training and development, but not of how you leadership skills have helped your community, which is the focal point of the leadership discussion. I have not seen any evidence that you have made any marked contributions to the community that you wish to be a part of in a more involved status after the semester abroad.

You have misunderstood the prompt requirement. The committee will consider the candidates who show a potential to be future leaders in both the private and government sectors of their country. This can be assessed by your community involvement and participation in notable community organizations within a leadership capacity. Though your intentions are clear and honest, there is no reference to any leadership within a community activity that resulted in something positive. That, is the main subject that you have to highlight in this discussion. You need to focus on your ability to see a problem, consider the solution, and work towards achieving that solution in reality.