nurainiyusuf16
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]
Hello Pram!
Allow me to give you some suggestion.
1. I see you have a good conclusion, but I think it is not cover all of the graph says.
Let see the example below:
Generally, eldery people and and middle people have sorting out health as the first problem they straight to, meanwhile for young people, looking for money is the biggest problem and for the fewer, all ages choose searching schools for children become the easier one.
2. Wrong data
"Sorting out finances isthe biggest problems for middle age people
Based in picture, the biggest problem of middle age is sorting out finance. It will be true if you say:
For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem they have. A problem experienced by just 34 percent. Meanwhile, society with age 35-54 choose money as the second problem although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent. Only about 23 percent people over 55 have this problem.
3. Less sentence. A paragraph should consists of 3 sentences at least.
Look at your paragraph below:
Paragraph 2 -> (2 Sentences)
Paragrapah 4 -> ( 2 sentences)
Pay attention to your punctuation.
I hope it can be useful for you.
Keep practice to make it perfect :)
Hello Pram!
Allow me to give you some suggestion.
1. I see you have a good conclusion, but I think it is not cover all of the graph says.
Let see the example below:
Generally, eldery people and and middle people have sorting out health as the first problem they straight to, meanwhile for young people, looking for money is the biggest problem and for the fewer, all ages choose searching schools for children become the easier one.
2. Wrong data
"Sorting out finances is
Based in picture, the biggest problem of middle age is sorting out finance. It will be true if you say:
For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem they have. A problem experienced by just 34 percent. Meanwhile, society with age 35-54 choose money as the second problem although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent. Only about 23 percent people over 55 have this problem.
3. Less sentence. A paragraph should consists of 3 sentences at least.
Look at your paragraph below:
Paragraph 2 -> (2 Sentences)
Paragrapah 4 -> ( 2 sentences)
Pay attention to your punctuation.
I hope it can be useful for you.
Keep practice to make it perfect :)