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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 202)

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"Hakuna matata, what a wonderful phrase!" - Stanford Roommate Supplement Essay

8 - wow it is very well written. just some grammar mistakes, which are pointed out already by above posters....

Undergraduateangelserenite - Dec 29, 2011 / CheesyCake - Dec 30, 2011
'German shepherd' - Amherst supplement essay- difficulties

8 - Hi! a good content! Thank you for helping with mine. I'd like to return the favor =) A...

UndergraduateAnxhela - Dec 29, 2011 / Musicforleisure - Dec 31, 2011
'A Korean minority in boarding school' - common app

5 - I liked this essay. It realy doesn't need much correction....

Undergraduatepjw7109 - Dec 29, 2011 / SeniorMel - Dec 31, 2011
Building an iconic city that resembles our culture ; Why School of Architecture？

6 - Overall, I really like your response. It's sincere and you have added your personal experiences. There are just a...

Undergraduateshelia1993 - Dec 29, 2011 / P334243 - Dec 29, 2011
Research and Language-Notre Dame

2 - I will try to help :) You have 150 words. Take a risk. As a child, I...

Undergraduaterifatmursalin - Dec 29, 2011 / Jennyflower81 - Dec 29, 2011
'Clifton in New Jersey' - COMMON APP ESSAY

4 - Idk but it feels like a weak noun to use. try "travels" or something to like that. ...

Undergraduateanshikav - Dec 29, 2011 / calvinwang - Dec 29, 2011
'Humans made of' / 'Alarm clocks' - Tufts Personal/World Outlook Essays

2 - I like your essay a lot, because they were about food. But in your first essay, you might want...

Undergraduatetheboss639 - Dec 29, 2011 / Youdotchan - Dec 29, 2011
'The Perks of Being Literate and Self-Honesty' - PERSONAL ESSAY

13 - thank you so much! I'll take a look at yours too...

Undergraduatehanakml - Dec 29, 2011 / hanakml - Dec 30, 2011
'Where is Albania' - UPenn supplement short answer

7 - This is a good response because you touched on something that a person would typically say in an introduction,...

UndergraduateAnxhela - Dec 29, 2011 / bookbug_xd - Dec 30, 2011
The true rudeness of a scoff - Amherst Essay

4 - Thanks and I completely agree with you. I was really iffy about the foreigner thing; I wanted to write...

UndergraduateYoudotchan - Dec 29, 2011 / Youdotchan - Dec 29, 2011
'Public School / IB Diploma' - Intellectual vitality + what matters to you

6 - "I had, both, waited for this day and dreaded it." I think the commas here are unnecessary. "Through...

Undergraduatemuznaa23 - Dec 29, 2011 / militia - Dec 29, 2011
'Announcing the program for us' - Common App Short Answer

9 - Angela Suggestion: What could be more rewarding than that? I thought the ending would pop more with this...

Undergraduateyuanyuan3045 - Dec 29, 2011 / ZhoeK - Dec 30, 2011
Brown-describe a moment when your perspective changed.

3 - "on the verge of sacrificing potential and caving into apathy"..I had to read it more than once to understand...

Undergraduatecapriciousprite - Dec 29, 2011 / Anxhela - Dec 29, 2011
"True learning" - Why UPenn essay

6 - I think the first one is great!Especially the part of your imagination,it's amazing! About the second one, I...

UndergraduateAnxhela - Dec 29, 2011 / ChihiroLavi - Dec 31, 2011
'lost in my dreams' + 'Literature and books' - University of Virginia Supplements

4 - pretty good! just read them a few more times to make sure everything is in place i need some...

UndergraduateChopeful - Dec 29, 2011 / m7md - Jan 1, 2012
Global - Networking NYU - Why NYU?

2 - It should end on some anecdote about NYU, because otherwise it sounds cut off. Good job though!...

Undergraduatenp9494 - Dec 29, 2011 / marshizzle1 - Dec 29, 2011
My parents got divorced; Significant Challenge I've faced: MIT

4 - --broken all contact with us your essay is really moving!...

Undergraduatetheboss639 - Dec 29, 2011 / aricar17 - Dec 30, 2011
'My body and world around me' - Stanford Essay: Intellectual vitality

2 - The second paragraph about the summer reading needs to flow better with the rest of it. Right now it...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / anshikav - Dec 29, 2011
Letter to Roomate for my Stanford Essay

2 - My name is Aabhas Singh, which you have the chance to mangle and edit.---funny! Nonetheless, I still retain...

Undergraduatetaman121 - Dec 29, 2011 / EF_Susan - Dec 29, 2011
Why Northwestern? My first impression

6 - taman121 I liked how you gave a detailed narration in the beginning of your essay. I also had...

Undergraduatetaman121 - Dec 29, 2011 / mm1994 - Dec 31, 2011
'Macbeth and Socratic seminars' - Stanford Univ - Intellectual Vit. essay!

8 - thank you tiffany! i didnt realize that before, but hey, youre right!...

Undergraduatefishie21 - Dec 29, 2011 / fishie21 - Dec 30, 2011
Stanford Essay: What matters to you, and why? Wanna be done today so let me know :)

3 - 1. The topic of sailing is quite unique, but to me the essay reads as a bit dry. Sentences...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / teoth5 - Dec 29, 2011
'Way to learn / Staten Island / Horrible language' - Tufts Supplements

8 - "how family look out for one another" should be "how family looks out for one another" Do you prefer...

Undergraduatecalvinwang - Dec 29, 2011 / silentspring - Dec 29, 2011
'Playing poker and meeting new people' - Stanford- Letter to roommate essay

4 - ya sure thing...

Undergraduatecharlie422 - Dec 29, 2011 / charlie422 - Dec 29, 2011
Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Development

3 - Then, there is was! "A posse ad esse." -from possibility to actuality. maybe try to explain this part...

Undergraduateangelserenite - Dec 29, 2011 / sailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011
UVA Supplement essay "Work of art that has surprised or unsettled you"

3 - You passion really comes through in this! "I wanted to listen to something uplifting, something more pleasurable to...

Undergraduatejonnyboy2 - Dec 29, 2011 / JB123 - Dec 29, 2011
A Little About Me

3 - all-nighters-coffee -and-work-hard night' s pizza I enjoyed reading your essay. The only suggestion I would make is...

UndergraduateJB123 - Dec 29, 2011 / Prettywings - Dec 29, 2011
I live in a box; Carnegie Mellon - Why CMU?

7 - Hmm well the first paragraph was taken from the final draft of another essay, so that part was fairly...

Undergraduatebcblue - Dec 29, 2011 / bcblue - Dec 29, 2011
Columbia Meaningful Activity - Environment. Need to turn in TONIGHT!

7 - Sorry this is really late. I hope you haven't your app in already! I actually really like the beginning-it...

Undergraduatelwest94 - Dec 29, 2011 / Alicegz - Dec 29, 2011
'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay

17 - put that in the essay!...

UndergraduateTheN3094 - Dec 29, 2011 / calvinwang - Dec 29, 2011
Taking a nap, math, Tupac & Biggie, Violinist, Yale class - Yale Short Responses

5 - All of your answers are related to you as a person, but i'm not really sure about Q#3. I...

UndergraduateBigBoob15 - Dec 29, 2011 / singh955 - Dec 29, 2011
'middle-class household, suburban Pennsylvania' Rice cultural tradition/contribution

3 - Well, in the first two paragraphs ,"I" counted seventeen times that you say 'I', there must be a way...

Undergraduategurecka - Dec 29, 2011 / Thors Hammer - Jan 22, 2012
"left and right brain side' - stanford essay - intellectual vitality

5 - thanks guys! :) does anyone else have anything to critique?! i would appreciate it so much...

Undergraduaterunner57 - Dec 29, 2011 / runner57 - Dec 29, 2011
Penn "I love solving problems"

3 - Sorry, I'm going to clash with taman121, but I like your introduction. It's simple, frank, and honest, and then...

Undergraduatejebhogiaye - Dec 29, 2011 / Eigenvector - Dec 29, 2011
Standford roommate essay! I want to be done today so let me know what you think.

4 - **updated version** Hey roomie! Well, we are about to embark on a journey that will change our lives in...

Undergraduatesailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011 / sailorb111 - Dec 29, 2011
UIUC ESSAY #2 Interest/Experience

2 - I think you should stick to one or two significant events in your music life which really stood out...

Undergraduateangaduday - Dec 29, 2011 / desertautumn - Dec 29, 2011
"American Airman" | Topic #1 Common Application

5 - Yes that is what I was going for, thank you I am going to change it to say i'm...

Undergraduatecmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011 / cmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011
UPenn Supplement 500 words; 'stepping out on faith'

3 - Thank you!...

Undergraduatesimplyekko - Dec 29, 2011 / simplyekko - Dec 29, 2011
"History did condemn those who kept quiet" - Princeton University

7 - Thanks for your comments. I will make those changes....

UndergraduateP334243 - Dec 29, 2011 / P334243 - Dec 29, 2011
"Failure is not an option"; Stanford Intellectual Vitality

4 - The essay is good, but I'm not that impressed with it. This essay is likely to get you wait...

Undergraduatetheboss639 - Dec 29, 2011 / makman09 - Dec 29, 2011
'exploring the opposing interests' - Stanford letter to roommate... need to reduce length.

4 - (Although the constant sun and nice climate of Paolo Alto probably won't provide much to discuss on that front)....

Undergraduatezkachmer - Dec 29, 2011 / fishie21 - Dec 29, 2011
I have always wanted to become a successful businessman ; AUBG

NEW - Throughout my lifetime I have always wanted to become a successful businessman and make something great and valuable for...

Undergraduatesvanchika - Dec 29, 2011 / — -
"Key Club" - CommonApp Short Response

4 - To Zach: The second sentence is really a continuation of the first. So it reads like this: "Key Club...

UndergraduateCollegeHopefuls - Dec 29, 2011 / CollegeHopefuls - Dec 29, 2011
'Vibrant layers and black canvas' - Common App Short Answer: Art

5 - I completely agree with the last poster. So many people write about art that this will kind of just...

Undergraduateteoth5 - Dec 29, 2011 / capriciousprite - Dec 29, 2011
"The Wanderer' -- Common App Essay

3 - Nice essay! Overall it looks pretty good, you've got some longer sentences you might want to rephrase so they...

Undergraduatebookbug_xd - Dec 29, 2011 / music920 - Dec 29, 2011
intellectual engagement essay (for college app)

8 - Very well said, and I agree with 100% of what you've said. However, I also think you need to...

UndergraduatePottergirl19 - Dec 29, 2011 / desertautumn - Dec 29, 2011
'instant information' - NYU SUPPLEMENT- What intrigues you?

11 - i dont really think sport fits under the categories...maybe event? I'm not totally sure... I'll definitely check out your...

Undergraduateanshikav - Dec 29, 2011 / anshikav - Dec 30, 2011
Evaluate a signific. experience and it's affect on you - Bullies to Best Friends

10 - Alright, I'll just make a few more changes and then submit. Thanks to everyone!...

UndergraduateMauru23 - Dec 29, 2011 / Mauru23 - Dec 30, 2011
Realizing what I am doing

4 - I agree with the first two posters. You should make clear why you decided to join red cross and...

Undergraduatepaw1168 - Dec 29, 2011 / deremifri - Dec 29, 2011
Internship programs, Why Boston essay, International student body

4 - Here's the thing: You say you visited the website obsessively, twice a day (will they believe it) and the...

UndergraduateZhantair - Dec 29, 2011 / deremifri - Dec 29, 2011
"Shadows"- work experience, will review your essays

11 - I don't know what cmaher92 is talking about, there is nothing offensive about the first sentence at all. Don't...

Undergraduatederemifri - Dec 29, 2011 / TheLeader - Dec 30, 2011
'Living and dreaming' - University of Chicago Long Essay

12 - This is a well laid-out essay, but it would be stronger if you added some of your own examples...

Undergraduatejasononwenu - Dec 29, 2011 / saurabh93 - Jan 2, 2012
'John F. Kennedy was Catholic' - What Matters and Why? (Stanford)

2 - without which we wouldn't have lost to the Soviets in the Space Race--without which we would have minorities in...

Undergraduategooseman94 - Dec 29, 2011 / maianh94 - Dec 30, 2011
'A finished melody' - Why Connecticut College?

2 - I like your comparison because you are comparing it to something that was meaningful to you but that's what...

Undergraduaterahilsavani - Dec 29, 2011 / TheN3094 - Dec 29, 2011
'small seminar classes' - What influenced me to apply to Barnard

3 - Hey, Suggestion: I automaticallyimmediately or instantly(seems like a better fit) fell in love with Barnard other...

Undergraduatemaryp630 - Dec 29, 2011 / sarahbee - Dec 29, 2011
Stanford Undergrad Admissions - What matters to you and why? -- Trusting myself

8 - You have a lot of good details, but I dont see how you arrive at ur conclusion at the...

Undergraduatejaybee - Dec 29, 2011 / 2011college2011 - Dec 31, 2011
'the perfect school to pursue my major' - NYU Supplement

7 - Thank you so much guys!!!! I am very passionate about engineering!! So the dual degree program would look awesome...

Undergraduatexotibxo - Dec 29, 2011 / xotibxo - Dec 30, 2011
Cornell : School of Industrial and Labor Relations Essay

3 - makman09 Thanks Makman. Let me take a look at yours....

Undergraduatepangarebonitao - Dec 29, 2011 / pangarebonitao - Dec 29, 2011
Essay in Progress "Airman".

3 - Standing proud, a figure of discipline and typically looked at as a man of principle. This individual is faithful...

Undergraduatecmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011 / cmaher92 - Dec 29, 2011
'many backgrounds and minds' - Why Columbia Essay

7 - I feel like you need to go through and add some voice to this- for some reason when I...

Undergraduateujax - Dec 29, 2011 / nodumblonde1616 - Jan 1, 2012

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