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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 287)

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Swarthmore, love of biology, research, liberal art education

4 - Hey ftfn, I have to agree with the comments directly above me. The corrections MirayPhillips made are all very...

Undergraduateftfn - Dec 14, 2010 / cvmiller39 - Dec 14, 2010
"Bangladesh is a developing country" issue of local national or international concern

3 - I think you should try to write a sentence that expresses this idea perfectly. Pretend it is going...

Undergraduatemahdir24 - Dec 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 24, 2010
"My love for circus" - your extracurricular activities or work experiences

2 - In addition to the great corrections Darius gave you, it is important to put a period before "In fact,...

Undergraduatemylittlegoni - Dec 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 24, 2010
"Mongolian Red Cross Youth" - Extracuricular activity /volunteer works/

4 - Wen Tang did a great edit! I suggest adding some sentences that express to the reader that you want...

Undergraduatebinderya92 - Dec 14, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 24, 2010
First day at new school/country: what makes you unique and colorful..william and mary

9 - i love the addition at the end and the literal reference to colorful. it ties your whole essay together...

UndergraduateamazingA - Dec 14, 2010 / zaynouri - Dec 19, 2010
"Life and Death (and Rebirth) of my room" - Princeton Supplement

3 - The warm, friendly feeling s were just a (take out) memories. ------------ I was going to edit your grammar,...

UndergraduateBSatayopas - Dec 14, 2010 / Oleh - Dec 14, 2010
"talent, enjoyment, and career" - Johns Hopkins (Why International Studies?)

5 - You need to expand more on why international studies. Talk about some events and about any experience you have...

Undergraduatethakd_11 - Dec 14, 2010 / Juliano - Dec 24, 2010
Why you want to study biology (discoveries) - Brown

5 - The word "It" could be replaced with something more meaningful. "My commitment to the field of medicine boils down...

Undergraduategrillojes - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 24, 2010
"to found my own corporation" - info about myself, Warren Wilson Essay

2 - What made things worse, was that I wasn't an only child. I had siblings, but I never have...

UndergraduateCollegeFlowers7 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Susan - Dec 15, 2010
The Big Mac Complex - Yale Supplementary Essay

5 - Could I trust his confident smile, and would I ever ... Use a comma at the end of...

UndergraduateJenelizjp - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
Purdue: Second Chance is to help my parents adapt to American culture

NEW - If you had a second chance - the opportunity to do something over and do it differently - what...

Undergraduatejyang - Dec 13, 2010 / — -
"My own ambition" - Common App Personal

5 - Thanks for the help! I totally agree with you about that line and I had already cut it out...

Undergraduatetrimjimdim - Dec 13, 2010 / trimjimdim - Dec 14, 2010
"a Korean-American in a Hispanic community" - a community in which you belong

5 - @Juliano Yes it is. :) Thank you so much for pointing that out and thank you for your input....

Undergraduatejimmyajja - Dec 13, 2010 / jimmyajja - Dec 15, 2010
Personal Statement on my mother's influence (we migrated to the US)

5 - ... my family migrated to this country, my mother had to leave behind her profession as a doctor ...

Undergraduatemaggie93 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
From South Korea to My Albany host parents

4 - The first sentence is well written! I just want to make one small change: to experience being exchange students...

Undergraduatekimj321 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
"Give me a lever big enough and I'll move the world"- Yale Engineering Essay

4 - I love how only the last 20% of your essay mentions Yale. Even then, I find it interesting that...

UndergraduateLedZeppelin - Dec 13, 2010 / iceui2 - Dec 14, 2010
"I have stayed with her family in Oregon" - skiing activity

4 - I very much agree with EF_Kevin. It reads like a journal entry and is a good read.. but working...

Undergraduateckrell - Dec 13, 2010 / BearMillz - Dec 23, 2010
"a black out on the TV" - The most significant challenge you've faced? MIT

NEW - Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How...

Undergraduateshadowfax - Dec 13, 2010 / — -
"treasurer and fundraising chair" - extracurricular activities or work experience

3 - Apostrophe: school's outing club ... Is it supposed to be capitalized? Being in Outing Club ... At...

UndergraduateLeahFoti - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
"Twelve years in Thailand" - Bryn Mawr - What I will gain and contribute

4 - Let's trim the excess: As of now, I believe that I am a truly international student. I think...

Undergraduatethakd_11 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
"My main concern was lunch." --Columbia Supplement

6 - onimpulse: thank you! that is definitely a better word choice. and thank you tranque, the first two paragraphs used...

Undergraduatenikamonster - Dec 13, 2010 / nikamonster - Dec 19, 2010
"my tiny remote controlled car" - MIT - Department Essay

2 - I have a very general comment to make about this essay. I think it's well written, and I haven't...

Undergraduateshadowfax - Dec 13, 2010 / nikamonster - Dec 13, 2010
"a simple trip up to Calgary with my brother, uncle, and aunt" - experience

3 - In that first paragraph, it seems like a sentence is missing at the end. You can add a sentence...

UndergraduateLedZeppelin - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
"When the ride finally moved..." - write about your last two summers

4 - I like the changes a lot, adds the dimension you were looking for. "No but I uh just ate...

UndergraduateNgozi93 - Dec 13, 2010 / LedZeppelin - Dec 13, 2010
"the varsity gymnastics team" - Extra curricular activity on common app.

3 - I think three looks nicer than 3. This is a run on sentence: All the girls have been...

UndergraduateLilo - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2010
NUS ADMISSION - talent for a top school, a personal experience or an activity

3 - Hello Hoang, I'll help with some of those grammatical errors, and I hope you practice typing and speaking every...

Undergraduatet_an0410 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"His name was Cecil, a Southeast African" - a person who had an influence on you

4 - ...so I stabbed the ground with all I had. could . or ...so I stabbed the ground with...

Undergraduatedbchung24 - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
UBC Supplements: "The story of The Last Supper" + "Tutorship in Dabie Mountain"

4 - To begin with my own story, the story of The Last Supper must be told.---is it better without "with"......

UndergraduateWizz_Wendy - Dec 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"a passion for mechanics and strong humanitarian" what makes Stanford a good place

4 - From the very beginning, I expressed deep interest for cars and rememberremembered the triumph on assembling a toy motor...

Undergraduateishas - Dec 13, 2010 / ftfn - Dec 15, 2010
Since I was four, I have seen my mother make yogurt. Chemistry/Biology major at Hopkins.

3 - Just some minor changes to maybe make it flow a little more Magically, the next day, fresh, solid,...

Undergraduatebluedolphinz - Dec 13, 2010 / RamyaRam - Dec 27, 2010
"the academics is the most important" - Why Tulane essay.

3 - This is not a good thing to say, because it is to be expected that the most engaging...

UndergraduateCollegeFlowers7 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"until I met Victoria" - Essay about changing as a person.

5 - after all that is what we are meant to believe in this society. kinda vague and not really true(?)...

Undergraduatehmahsum6 - Dec 12, 2010 / read - Dec 22, 2010
"Chinese culture"-University of Washington short response

2 - This is interesting, but I think you should add another sentence to the introduction paragraph. It is such...

Undergraduateq297451416 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"I absorbed Mr. Fleming's teachings" - Princeton Supplement (significant person)

7 - Here is an idea about EFFICIENCY in writing: You can look for opportunities to omit words and shorten phrases......

Undergraduatecvmiller39 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
what does the concept of a global university mean to you

3 - capitalize Catholic. I see a seed of coolness in this that can grow into a great theme....

UndergraduateTheresse - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"Drama, Debate, Music" - Princeton Tell us about a person who has influenced you

3 - I don't know what this means: through an alienated childhood But that is my only complaint. This is...

UndergraduateQuintus - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"My decision to travel to Spain this summer" - personal experience- Pliability

4 - I agree that the writing style is colorful and interesting. In response to the question about how to make...

Undergraduaterubberducky7129 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"Diversity, Buckeye, education and nightlife" - Why Ohio State?

6 - That intro is uneventful. I think you will probably jump out of bed tonight and run to the computer,...

UndergraduateMirayPhilips - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"Music relaxes me" - MIT pleasure essay

5 - Emerge means to rise up out of it. Maybe that first word should be "submerged?" Submerged in a...

Undergraduateshadowfax - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"Change is good for you" - From an outsider to an insider - Supp

4 - Hey Oleh, Once again I am gonna have to agree with the comments above me. The corrections previously mentioned...

UndergraduateOleh - Dec 12, 2010 / cvmiller39 - Dec 14, 2010
life experiences, perspectives, talents, and commitments i will bring to the campus

3 - thank you very much. you are a big help, and yes this is for milwaukee and madison....

Undergraduatenkautz - Dec 12, 2010 / nkautz - Dec 14, 2010
"Relate a situation in your life where a personal sense of honor" - UMW Essay

3 - The guilt grew with each answer that I had confidently circled. This is an example of an...

Undergraduateaelee523 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"my school's track team" extracurricular activities

2 - Cool phrase... I have never heard this before... Replace that comma after the word "obvious" with a...

Undergraduatepommy - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
Getting off My High Horse -Common App Essay Personal Statement

4 - Thank you, I have expanded my essay. I appreciate all of your comments....

Undergraduatequickstraw - Dec 12, 2010 / quickstraw - Jan 8, 2011
FSU admissions Essay "character, customs and traditions"

3 - There is a lot wrong with this part. They should not be capitalized; they do not symbolize but...

UndergraduateAE13 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
Mother - A FAMILY MEMBER/ FRIEND/PERSON WHO HAD SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON YOU.

5 - ,and somebody even play role to help us change our self. -You might want to rephrase this a little....

Undergraduatehuongduong - Dec 12, 2010 / Lizzy9311 - Dec 13, 2010
"my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App)

5 - Every so often one of the kids would look off into the wings to where I stood and smile....

Undergraduateemab - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"a new dress code policy" - intellectual experience Brown's admissions essay, topic A

4 - thanks a bunch...

Undergraduatethopkins11 - Dec 12, 2010 / thopkins11 - Dec 12, 2010
FSU CARE Summer Bridge Program (as foreign as French)

2 - ... although none in my family attended college, the staff opened my eyes to the possibility of attending college....

Undergraduatedelilahcdeleon1 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Susan - Dec 17, 2010
"Sneak Out and Explore" - Common App Essay

3 - I believe that this fits the prompt. However, I feel this is a bit too short for a personal...

Undergraduatesonnofali - Dec 12, 2010 / quickstraw - Dec 12, 2010
"There is a net around us." - Statement of Purpose UT

2 - Constantly scratching deeper and sweeping further out, searching eternally for understanding in human nature.---How about,"...an understanding of human nature"?...

Undergraduateshedolan - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Susan - Dec 17, 2010
"a dysfunction hand" - Common App Essay

4 - Yes... I was thinking it should at least have a conjunction: The gore spouted out, the darkness struck upon...

Undergraduateforrest0531 - Dec 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
"Ceramics and clay" - Commonapp Short Answer

2 - I was drawn to ceramics the first time I experienced it. Ceramics showed me how harmony exceeds dominance, and...

UndergraduateCrystal_Cube - Dec 12, 2010 / lavendernlace - Dec 12, 2010
"Demsas! Someone shot him! He's gone!" Personal statement, University of Washington

4 - Thank you all so much! I have a new edited version here, and I'm wondering if it truly gets...

UndergraduateTwizzle - Dec 12, 2010 / Twizzle - Dec 14, 2010
"a childhood worth remembering" - UVA supplement -- World I come from

4 - "The sharp, nauseating smell of nail polish, the stale, hissing sound of air guns, and the sight of fresh,...

Undergraduatealexla - Dec 12, 2010 / Desilean - Dec 22, 2010
"Pikachu, I choose you!" - College Essay - Being a Character

4 - This is the kind of writing I would like to FRAME between an intro and conclusion. It came out...

Undergraduatemajix011 - Dec 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 22, 2010
(Economics has a magical spell) University Wisconsin-Madison

6 - thanks a lot for the comment =) , but I have a question. Which part should I simplify in...

Undergraduatelkb102191 - Dec 11, 2010 / lkb102191 - Dec 24, 2010
Yale Essay, Something about you admissions might not get from the rest of application

5 - Dang, this is very well-written. The introduction immediately grabs me b/c I want to know what's up with your...

UndergraduateLedZeppelin - Dec 11, 2010 / alexla - Dec 12, 2010
"school pride that I had back at home" - Why Columbia

4 - I don't think it is good to say this: In addition, the biggest allure is the location. --the biggest...

Undergraduatejlr - Dec 11, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Dec 21, 2010
Brown Supplement (Why Brown/Academic Interest/3 Questions for Engineering)

3 - thank you so much, unfortunately for some supplemental essays i had "turn curiosity into reality"-now I know that doesnt...

Undergraduatenabid777 - Dec 11, 2010 / nabid777 - Dec 23, 2010

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