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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 310)

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"History, a need to understand the world" - Personal Statement- Topic of your Choice

3 - There is no doubt that your writing skills are amazing. Every sentence really well put together. My problem...

Undergraduateboyohboy17 - Oct 23, 2010 / blackpixel23 - Oct 23, 2010
"Super Babysitter"- Common App Short Answer

5 - The details of your babysitting experience, such as the family count and the activities you do, are quite fitting....

Undergraduaterelly21 - Oct 23, 2010 / alexla - Oct 23, 2010
True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement

5 - to nishabala: thanks for the comments! I will try working on much more clarification because the way you read...

Undergraduatedennis730 - Oct 23, 2010 / dennis730 - Oct 24, 2010
"College search as a special interest, experience" - TULANE UNIVERSITY ESSAY

5 - A special experience that has had a significant influence on me is this: the college search. I think...

Undergraduatecschupp10 - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
School Newspaper/Drama Club: COMMONAPP: Describe an activity (150 words or less)

9 - Here is the revised version of this essay: (149 words) Theatre has given me lessons and values...

Undergraduatedooleh - Oct 23, 2010 / dooleh - Nov 18, 2010
"Biotechnology is certainly a growing field in this modern age" - Cornell

3 - You have only 300 words to use, so do not waste any with statements of the obvious. Even...

Undergraduatepartooz - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"I left Jamaica to America with my mother and father" - mother's influence essay

5 - i have the "final version" of the essay: and thank you so much for the corrections :)...

Undergraduatedevaun23 - Oct 23, 2010 / devaun23 - Oct 28, 2010
"my first half iron-man triathlon" - common application short essay

3 - It has involved waking up at 4 A.M and heading to races, sacrificing Friday nights in order to rest,...

Undergraduatenadeem0322 - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
(Model United Nations) - CommonApp Short Answer

5 - many people write mun but every perspective is different. I am also an MUN'er and i think that the...

UndergraduateHarvestBristle - Oct 23, 2010 / yloot - Oct 24, 2010
"Fight or Flight" - Significant experience, risk Common App Personal Statement

6 - Thank you both for the wonderful comments and critiques! I did all the changes I possibly can for this...

Undergraduatebakamanju - Oct 23, 2010 / bakamanju - Oct 27, 2010
From arrogant to understanding - Who has had a impact on your life (My Father)

4 - I think that you have a very good topic. Writing about a different culture is a very engaging topic...

UndergraduateKimishme - Oct 23, 2010 / boyohboy17 - Oct 24, 2010
"Efficient water management in the world" - global issue, georgetown sfs esssay

2 - The efficient management of water supplies will be increasingly important for nations that wish to maintain stable economies and...

Undergraduaterebrose - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"I want to simply help others - a government major" - Cornell CAS Essay

5 - That's what I did, and I ended up making all my mistakes in my early 20s. Don't make...

Undergraduateaitherios - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
Tennis=Hard work (not genius) - Common App Extracurricular Activity

4 - The essay is a bit too short. You do convey your message clearly, but the whole prose could definitely...

UndergraduateKryptus - Oct 23, 2010 / partooz - Oct 23, 2010
Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement

5 - 280 words, I am finally within the word limit!...

Undergraduatechet1119 - Oct 23, 2010 / chet1119 - Oct 23, 2010
There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement.

9 - I think that essay is really interesting and fun to read. I don't really know how the college will...

Undergraduatesimbamaxxed - Oct 23, 2010 / danielkaplan - Oct 24, 2010
Theater, LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND: CommonApp Short Answer, Extracurricular Activity

5 - Theater has shown me how a whisper can be ... Not much room for improvement, because it is...

Undergraduatenishabala - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"architecture consumed each of my academic interests" - Supplement Essay for Cornell

3 - I would want to trim away some of this: To be frank, Gothic architecture never impressed me much. It...

Undergraduatespursfan2421 - Oct 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
Calculator Havoc -- Caltech Humor Essay

3 - Oh, an essay about theft and sabotage, very nice... :-) Use an apostrophe: friend's You wrote it...

Undergraduatesilverdra - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"Trip from China to LA" - Extracurricular Essay for UIUC

4 - I think the essay will be stronger if you focused on ONE specific event. Write it in great detail...

Undergraduatecindyflyfly - Oct 22, 2010 / iceui2 - Oct 27, 2010
Athlete, volleyball Short Answer - Common App Experience/Extracurricular

3 - Consider changing that or to an and. ... plays, rotations, and even footwork! This is an important correction:...

Undergraduatemadseckel - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
Emotional essay vs. Light hearted essay!

7 - Hi Kevin. Thank you for stopping by. What do you mean by weird, in a good or bad way?...

UndergraduateRyanVi16 - Oct 22, 2010 / RyanVi16 - Oct 27, 2010
it's politics / sports reading vs. solar power / hip-hop mashups- Tufts Supplemental

7 - Well check this out for interestingness. You are choosing to go study there in Somerville and enter the...

UndergraduateAcepilot0 - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"where your friends' Facebook statuses..." - Common App Extracurricular Short Answer

3 - Thanks for the input! :)...

UndergraduateSOrtiz122 - Oct 22, 2010 / SOrtiz122 - Oct 22, 2010
National Honor Society member- U Florida / Student responsibility, academic integrity

2 - Well, did they not tell you how long it should be? If they did not tell you, they...

Undergraduateabillings3 - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
"MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick?

9 - Thank you Kevin, i fixed my essay in accordance with your suggestions. i really appreciate your contribution....

Undergraduateyloot - Oct 22, 2010 / yloot - Oct 26, 2010
"How did you first learn about Macalester? "

3 - Actually, this is only a small part of the application. I guess it literally just wants to know how...

Undergraduategabrielacb - Oct 22, 2010 / gabrielacb - Oct 25, 2010
The US is a completely different place than Argentina" - Meaningful event, moving- UF

2 - Simplify: The day I witnessed my family members and friends cry changed my life forever. When you quote...

Undergraduategguzma10 - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
I am a warm-hearted girl; Mich Supp- international community

5 - There is no period at the end of the essay. Add a comma here: I was so proud...

Undergraduatekockyo - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2010
My Experience at the Airport - UF Admission Essay

5 - Thank you very much Kevin, but it turns out that the deadline for this application essay was approaching really...

Undergraduateowee14 - Oct 22, 2010 / owee14 - Oct 28, 2010
The loves of my life: Video games and Computer Science- MIT short answers

2 - Yes, I do lead a busy life full of excitement and eagerness. At times when I feel addle, for...

UndergraduateNerdGoneCrazy - Oct 22, 2010 / Shanky - Nov 24, 2010
The Graham Cracker (a topic of your own): Commonapp essay

7 - thanks a lot. I did mess up those verbs. :)...

Undergraduatelc93430 - Oct 22, 2010 / lc93430 - Oct 27, 2010
"dance; the applause after performances" - commonapp activities essay 150 words

4 - thank you so much, it really helps. "Hearing that, I gritted my teeth in order not to cry as...

Undergraduatevictoriayu - Oct 22, 2010 / victoriayu - Oct 27, 2010
"How football in high school was an experience for me" - UF Admissions Essay 2010

2 - Everyone was drenched in sweat, and that was prior to the start of practice during warmups. never the less...

UndergraduateRichy - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
To Fly like a Bird, my accomplishments and about myself

3 - This will capture the reader better if you say what kind. I would most definitely not be...

UndergraduateECW12 - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
"The Art of Argument" - My struggle with the Common App Essay

3 - There is, however, one myth that I must dispel before I continue, and this is the idea that truth...

Undergraduatethewykemist - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
About working in partnership with others--Kenyon supplement essay

3 - Just like in debate, take out unnecessary, distracting details: But a few minutes later, my teammate sitting next to...

Undergraduatecharleswoo - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
"Being a Mother." - world you come from (family, community, school)

7 - "This role is truly the one that has stimulated my interests to grow toward the medical careers in which...

Undergraduateseulish - Oct 22, 2010 / cbeangirl - Nov 8, 2010
Common App Extracurricular Activity: "Eagle Scout Project" (editing, suggestions...)

3 - I think this phrase should be replaced by "and also." There is no reason to suppose that a...

UndergraduateChocogrease - Oct 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
"my singing career with my father" - Reflect on a challenge you overcame

5 - thank u Kevin :)...

Undergraduatedanado0ona - Oct 22, 2010 / danado0ona - Oct 27, 2010
"my passion for cooking" - uc prompt 2 ( personal quality)

9 - "Jessica you're up." Every time I hear these words spoken to me occasionally, it's always involved about presenting in...

Undergraduatejessyboo - Oct 22, 2010 / jessyboo - Nov 15, 2010
Let's Crap Detect: Stanford Intellectual Activity Supp

9 - "And plus, nothing smells quite as sweet as crap." I really hope you do not add this to...

Undergraduateblackpixel23 - Oct 22, 2010 / essaysdonequick - Oct 25, 2010
"Energy from Me to You" - How can you contribute to Howard University and its legacy?

2 - I never knew it would be so hard, writing about myself . I have much confidence in myself,...

UndergraduateTCelestin - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Susan - Oct 26, 2010
"friendships with my co-workers" + "interest in WPI" -Short Answer + WPI Supplemental

2 - I had decided that I wanted to start ... Tropical Smoothie Café had just opened, and I was...

Undergraduatepaintball ron - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Susan - Oct 25, 2010
"A Scotch-Brite Life" - Common App Essay for Cornell

10 - I am, for all intents and purposes, a sponge. ----ha ha, I like it, but is the cliche necessary?...

Undergraduatespursfan2421 - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
Marketing Management / Advertising - "I felt out of place" (event, experience)

4 - ...As I was walking walked through the hall I realized ... pas pass Yes, the first para...

UndergraduateRada829 - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
"Cross-country passion" - (significant event), Common App Essay

2 - I want to suggest a little change in the first para: Bang! The starting gun went off. Hundreds of...

Undergraduatescottdw92 - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 26, 2010
Biotechnology, why do you want to attend? Governor's School of ET in Tennessee

4 - Thanks for the help guys! I really appreciate it. :)...

UndergraduateKevin_786 - Oct 21, 2010 / Kevin_786 - Oct 25, 2010
My Parents are Both Psychoanalysts. (Common Application Essay)

3 - To understand, to identify is something that comes from my parents and what they do. --- this sentence is...

Undergraduateemilyb458 - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 25, 2010
Physics, astronomy, the magic sky - what's the purpose of my life? (activity)

6 - You can just use desert as an adjective: Everyone knows desert nights are famous for their ... No...

UndergraduateMJGOHARRIZ - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 25, 2010
"Enrolled in a ballet class" - Stanford roommate supplement!

7 - [Link / Image / Video / Quote]

Undergraduatetennislover - Oct 21, 2010 / Nom Nom Nom - Oct 27, 2010
Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking..

9 - Already sent this in! :) Umm, I understand where your coming from but tbh my primary reason for...

UndergraduateKimathi - Oct 21, 2010 / Kimathi - Nov 14, 2010
My Family, the most important thing in my life - My First Thread

3 - They are my father, my mother, my brother, and me myself . He always encourages me to live...

UndergraduateRy_CH - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 25, 2010
"studying finance" - Elaborating My Future

4 - Thank you for your critique, I really appreciate it. Although, it's kind of a bit too late, I've submitted...

Undergraduatejane_the - Oct 21, 2010 / jane_the - Oct 30, 2010
"The City in a Cloud" - (topic of my choice) Common App Essay

5 - Let the reader know the specifics about what you want to do in college and in your career....

Undergraduatewhomp123 - Oct 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 25, 2010
"Life goes on - make most of it" - my first statement of purpose.

2 - At the end when you say "I was ecstatic when I found out that if I had done my...

Undergraduateprakruthis - Oct 21, 2010 / acanell - Oct 25, 2010
Difficulty in writing details of each extracurricular activity [100 characters only?]

7 - You can just write the name of the activity and send your school a resume of your activities later!...

Undergraduateserendipity11 - Oct 20, 2010 / zzan1212 - Nov 18, 2010
"Working behind the front desk of a hospital" -Common APP Extracurricular

4 - That's a strange use of the verb "mess." I like it! Apostrophe! ... look up patients' names,...

Undergraduatecomcus - Oct 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 25, 2010
"my tutoring classes during high school" - Help with college application essay

6 - thanks guys! it really helps me a lot! im not a native speaker, and even writting an essay in...

Undergraduatejazzmeen - Oct 20, 2010 / jazzmeen - Oct 26, 2010
"I have a willingness to help people"- event, experience, accomplishment in your life

7 - Hello! I edited my essay and due to a time constraint, I had to send it right away but...

Undergraduatemiwakty - Oct 20, 2010 / miwakty - Oct 25, 2010

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