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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 317)

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"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you" -Personal Statement on major

7 - Hi, I definitely like the topic. Its not cliche and is well written about. The length is a bit...

Undergraduategabshel - Oct 2, 2010 / Priyanka3 - Oct 11, 2010
"to bring my ideals to fruition" -Academic and extracurricular pursuits - UPenn

3 - Knowledge is the basis for my dedication. --- right here, this is where you stumble. I like this idea...

UndergraduateMarleyWH - Oct 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
"joining the tennis club" briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities

2 - I like this essay one thing really stood out to me: Without any experience, the first try outs was...

Undergraduatexiaoluv - Oct 2, 2010 / gabshel - Oct 4, 2010
"Connections of a language nerd" - Why The Ohio State University? Undergrad Essay

4 - Your welcome! If they don't specifically ask for it, don't...do authors of books you've read leave word...

Undergraduateiculafn33 - Oct 2, 2010 / Yayz - Oct 2, 2010
Essay on my personal goal ( which is to be a doctor)- feedback

5 - Your essay is great, but it may need to be more specific. Tell us more about the boy, maybe...

Undergraduatenami55 - Oct 2, 2010 / cpm - Oct 7, 2010
Henry Ford's lesson- COMMON APP ESSAY

3 - yeah i think you make too many mentions of Ford as well. you almost seem as if you're critically...

Undergraduateamndtng - Oct 2, 2010 / theTalkingRice - Oct 2, 2010
common app essay - math is an art form

2 - wow this is really impressive haha. reading this makes me not want to start my own common app essay...

Undergraduatetensplyr4eva - Oct 2, 2010 / theTalkingRice - Oct 2, 2010
"the suburbs of Detroit" - MIT undergrad - Describe the world you come from

4 - This is the spot to change, according to me. I think you should get rid of this weak...

UndergraduatetheTalkingRice - Oct 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
Rutgers: volunteering diversity

6 - It will be good if the essay can get focused on a single idea. But it didn't stop there...

UndergraduatePriyanka3 - Oct 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
"High school swim practice" - University of Illinois under grad admission essay

3 - Here is an example of the tense changing that Cammi mentioned. You can turn it all present tense...

Undergraduatemagnum542 - Oct 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
School that challenges me + Soccer motto: UCF Admissions Essays

3 - Its a constant problem with threads in Essay Forum that people hide themselves. I have never understood that even...

Undergraduatehannah16 - Oct 2, 2010 / donrocks - Oct 2, 2010
Given your desired major and why- Prison Ministry

4 - This is good collaboration! I'll add this: Stroll through the peaceful pasture, and you will next cross the barbed...

UndergraduateRyanVi16 - Oct 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
Help/Suggestions for CA Prompt 1 - "I killed a Bird"

7 - the ending is not really relevant with the whole essay. you should explain more about HOW THE EXPERIENCE CHANGE...

Undergraduatesingcarcom - Oct 2, 2010 / cacagenkaku - Oct 16, 2010
Manga, the Japanese comic - Intellectual engagement

3 - Thank you! I appreciate your help....

UndergraduateWarrenhuang - Oct 2, 2010 / Warrenhuang - Oct 3, 2010
"A Step Forward"--An Essay on the Appreciation of Diversity

5 - Steven, I really enjoyed the opening paragraphs,they formed a great visual and I was able to "see" what...

Undergraduateswimmer400 - Oct 1, 2010 / simbamaxxed - Oct 3, 2010
Self-Founded Book Bridge Club: 150 word

4 - Well...Firstly as a Chinese I really appreaciate your help to the education in rural China. I remember my counsellor...

Undergraduatetensplyr4eva - Oct 1, 2010 / gmt_snail - Oct 6, 2010
"The Oak Tree"-Evaluating a risk I have taken and its impact on me.

4 - Years ago, my answer to the lyrics of my favorite song would've been "no!" But one bold decision changed...

Undergraduateswimmer400 - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
My life changing epiphany, volunteering _ UF Essay

6 - Casey, you are a hero. I hope you check out the EF Contributor page. No longer soaring over...

Undergraduateionutalbu25 - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
"Find X, the missing element" - University of Chicago Essay

4 - I think a good phrase to use in this essay would be to "solve" for x. That would be...

Undergraduateams1121 - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
"An Extended Complaint" - Evaluate an Experience and its Impact on you

4 - extending my hip-flexor--- maybe stretching my hip flexor would be better. You confused me with this little phrase... :-)...

Undergraduatecleary21 - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
Love for art + Chinese heritage - UPenn Supplemental Essay.

7 - This is great, I really can't think of much advice and you've probably already submitted it so I just...

Undergraduatetensplyr4eva - Oct 1, 2010 / ekim226 - Oct 9, 2010
"Good/bad advice" - Any on my NYU Tisch dramatic essay?

4 - Ha ha, no that does not mean it is bad; we just had a mad rush of essays...

Undergraduatesmithvs1 - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
"A muslim family that celebrates Christmas" - Response to an essay question

5 - If you embrace the philosophy called perennial philosophy, I think it is normal to celebrate multiple religions. Some of...

Undergraduatesabs - Oct 1, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 4, 2010
There is no doubt that human beings are not omniscient or omnipotent, authorities also make mistakes

2 - Hi Lin! First, let me say that you obviously put a lot of thought into your essay, as...

Undergraduatelinying - Oct 1, 2010 / mea505 - Oct 1, 2010
"underprivileged Egyptian children" - an extracurricular activity or work experience.

2 - Hi Taymour, I didn't find much wrong with your essay. You said in the above statement that,...

Undergraduatesabs - Oct 1, 2010 / mea505 - Oct 1, 2010
"meet the challenges in Northeastern" - response to reasons why you want to transfer.

2 - Hi Taymour! You are a wonderful writer! I had to make a few changes and corrections, but...

Undergraduatesabs - Oct 1, 2010 / mea505 - Oct 1, 2010
"Growth Through Astronomy" - Common App essay review

5 - My upbringing was never really one that allowed me to obtain much liberty. Both of my parents, for fear...

Undergraduaterezzydemption - Sep 30, 2010 / mea505 - Oct 1, 2010
"Alessia for the world" - ESSAY ABOUT MY NAME.

5 - Thank you Kevin. I tried my best to not be lame :)...

Undergraduatealicepozzi - Sep 30, 2010 / alicepozzi - Oct 12, 2010
"my suburban town" - a life lesson learned that you can bring to the villanova campus

3 - garden of blossomed flowers. ---- flowers could be replaced with a more specific word, perhaps a kind of flower....

Undergraduatenicmont93 - Sep 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 5, 2010
My family and a big cat - my environment

3 - Thanks for doing this edit, Nicole. You are cool. Jack, use paragraphs so that the reader can enjoy bite-sized...

Undergraduatesonik293 - Sep 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 4, 2010
An inscription to help a person I may be sharing an abode with know me better

3 - This is good writing, good enough that it can get away with not focusing much on your goals. As...

UndergraduateYayz - Sep 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 4, 2010
"a rational thinker" - Biographical Essay.

5 - Well sometimes in moments of naturalness you can write something that really resonates with others. please check out...

Undergraduatevannyman - Sep 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 12, 2010
Runnins, values, experiences and goals - Samford Essay Corrections/ Recommendations?

3 - There are a lot mistakes as suggested by Jaron but, the content seems to very weak and boring. It...

Undergraduatesls61 - Sep 30, 2010 / donrocks - Oct 1, 2010
"being the outsider" - Essay about diversity

3 - Cool! I like this topic. Capitalize your clique: By way of this jumping from group to group I have...

Undergraduatevannyman - Sep 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
FSU prompt-essay about Grandmother and how I grew from that experience-feedback?

4 - Thank you soo much Farrah and Mark! Now that you pointed out the errors, I realized maybe I should've...

UndergraduateDragonsxxBears - Sep 30, 2010 / DragonsxxBears - Oct 2, 2010
"don't be upset about what you don't get." (best piece of advice essay)

6 - Thanks. I haven't been criticized about yet. Normally I make the reader confused at some instant or I send...

Undergraduatebovienkid - Sep 30, 2010 / bovienkid - Oct 1, 2010
Purdue Essay - Professional and Personal Goals ("engineering is challenging")

4 - Thanks so much for the help!!...

Undergraduatehgielj - Sep 29, 2010 / hgielj - Sep 30, 2010
Intellectually Exiting experience? (started a fundraiser at my school)

4 - Well, the good thing to do is make your essay a unique combination. You are a unique combination, with...

Undergraduatelynne1312 - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
Intellectually Exciting - Kaleidoscopes

3 - When you get to this part, I think you are not doing a good job of introducing the...

Undergraduatekellykat99 - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
UC Prompt1: "The Greatest Lesson Learned: Determination"

3 - It might become easier and easier! :-) Well, this has some great description, but I hope you...

Undergraduatekurriboh - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
FSU Essay - how personal should you really get?

6 - It just shows he had a rough time, not that he should be accepted into the school...

UndergraduateLorraineT - Sep 29, 2010 / hannah16 - Oct 2, 2010
"Soccer is my teacher"-does my essay convey this for Common App Short

4 - Move this sentence to the end of the essay and read it; see how you like it that...

Undergraduatekamron2011 - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
"focus on communication and the arts" - Emerson College Supplement Essay

7 - Heyyem, I love that expression of fingers not supposed to go :D However I am a bit confused. At...

Undergraduateheyyyem - Sep 29, 2010 / radwa - Oct 3, 2010
"the humanitarian aspects of medicine" - UTexas Statement of Purpose

2 - Individually, I am determined, hopeful, ambitious and grateful.--- I don't like this sentence. Individually does not really signify anything,...

UndergraduateChelseabdonahue - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 3, 2010
"hoof beats" - TWO COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAYS

3 - Well, my vote goes to the second one. I like a lot of the sentences and the way the...

Undergraduatetiffy - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
Interest, experiences and suitability of engineering - Princeton essay

3 - Thanks Kevin! That's encouraging. I'll definately correct these errors....

Undergraduatejonb - Sep 29, 2010 / jonb - Oct 3, 2010
"Yes, I will move"- significant experience, achievement, risk you've taken (OU Essay)

5 - Hi Sonia! I read your first essay and then I read through the critiques that were posted by...

Undergraduatesweetsown - Sep 29, 2010 / mea505 - Oct 4, 2010
"experiences with Autism" - UF essay

4 - I accidentally skipped past the main idea the first time I read this. I missed the sentence at the...

Undergraduatejnnystvns - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
Intellectual experiences + Mexico City - Peace Corps essays.

2 - Great opening paragraph!! ... personal growth which comes forth when one is immersed in a environment different from...

Undergraduatervh - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Susan - Oct 2, 2010
Junior Encounter: personal narrative for freshman in college

4 - Memory is something very intriguing. Throughout everyone's lifetime, there must be some fascinating recollections. When we pick up...

Undergraduatexiecong - Sep 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
"I found out I passed the exam" (Vires, Artes, Mores) - FSU Essay

2 - Shelby, This was one of the better essays I have read that dealt with this prompt! You have...

Undergraduateshelbyvillevoll - Sep 29, 2010 / mea505 - Sep 29, 2010
Dear Jack (Common Application Essay A)

4 - Thanks for sharing with us this info; I want to get more familiar with the band. This sentence...

Undergraduatethunder_two - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
Gymnastics + a successful elementary teacher: statement of purpose paper.

3 - When I read this first line, it makes me wonder why you are talking about preschool in this...

Undergraduatecarlton_caitlin - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
From Venezuela to the USA - A new perspective

3 - I think you have an unnecessary detail that the reader can figure out without your help: About 8 years...

UndergraduateMaina - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
how my grandfathers death affected me - prompt was to remember and reflect

2 - Pap's my grandpa; he had fallen and broken his hip about a month ago and mom goes to see...

Undergraduateklinhwilson - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
A week at Warrenville Paint and Hardware - experience, achievement, risk, dilemma

6 - this is my revised essay-- do you think this one does a better job describing me as a person,...

Undergraduateishfish82 - Sep 28, 2010 / ishfish82 - Oct 6, 2010
Climbing, clouds, rocks: Describe an activity, experience, achievement in your life

4 - Through experience, I have learned that gut wrenching feeling of meaning, purpose, and triumph. To rely on someone...

Undergraduatekbod - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
"The importance of the Spanish Language in my Life" - CU Boulder Diversity Essay

3 - I suggest adding 1 or 2 more concepts to this essay. It will be like orange juice from...

Undergraduateoldmanbootzz - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 2, 2010
Extracurricular experience: evolving through soccer

4 - The last sentence doesn't flow well, but other than that sounded really good....

Undergraduatecarlynnross - Sep 28, 2010 / hannah16 - Oct 2, 2010
"hard study and commitment" - Personal Statement - Highschool Years

3 - The song from which these lyrics are taken, released in 1986, idealizes the image of a normal teenager's high...

UndergraduateGrimRippah - Sep 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Oct 1, 2010

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