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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 323)

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'I grew up here, in Ohio' - Why are you interested in Ohio State?

5 - Okay, this is good, but I think it will be better if you talk more about your philosophy of...

Undergraduatenak2011 - Aug 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 1, 2010
'My parents have given their lives for me' - the world you come from

2 - I come from a neighborhood where violence is present on the daily basis. My family and I have tried...

Undergraduatelola033 - Aug 30, 2010 / sandeepkale - Aug 30, 2010
"my own unique and irreplaceable personality" - FSU Application Essay

3 - This will be much better if you give an intro paragraph that tells the main ideas you want to...

Undergraduatecourtney218 - Aug 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 1, 2010
USMA app essay, why do you want to attend USMA and become an active duty officer

3 - I do very well in critical environments such as the military, and I learned this when I went on...

UndergraduateC02091937 - Aug 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 1, 2010
My interest in business, Common App Essay comparison between the two

5 - I think it is always good to include a title. the title is as powerful as the thesis...

Undergraduatedolphin92 - Aug 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 1, 2010
"My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay.

17 - Paige, your writing is good, but you have a few grammar and punctuation errors. Here are a few: ...

Undergraduateptmx326 - Aug 30, 2010 / mynameisrena - Sep 18, 2010
"swimming is so much more than a sport", Common App - 150 words or less answer

9 - i think it'd be more effective if you just started with, "swimming's not a sport to me. it's a...

Undergraduateswim2011 - Aug 30, 2010 / tensplyr4eva - Oct 1, 2010
Ideal Beauty-Undergrad admission

4 - As I read this, I see that your theme is the way media makes girls feel like they must...

Undergraduatesapphire31 - Aug 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
I am an atheist: Struggle for personal growth - Common App: Personal Essay

4 - Capitalize Catholic in that first use of it. Hey, isn't Opus Dey that group mentioned in the Dan...

UndergraduateShadow93 - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
I taught English to underserved kids- most significant non-academic accomplishment?

3 - It was humbling to be able to reach so many lives at once, and this experience still remains one...

UndergraduateGreenLED - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
The Negative Effect of Modern Text Communication - Common Application Essay

4 - Thank you very much...I will incorperate your input! Murffly...

UndergraduateMurffly - Aug 29, 2010 / Murffly - Aug 31, 2010
To spend the next two years training to be a physician assistant.

7 - Intro one is very attention grabbing right from the start, something a lot of the readers will be looking...

UndergraduateJD5 - Aug 27, 2010 / briformby - Sep 2, 2010
"I hope the past will bring good fortune" -Need help editing my All About Me Paper

3 - If you want to talk about the name, make it a theme for the essay. What is the underlying...

UndergraduateMitted - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
Proud of my ethnicity ("a proud Filipino") - UCF essays

3 - I am not Chinese, nor am I Japanese. ----- this makes it a complete sentence. I am a...

Undergraduatepatricia5827 - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
While volunteering at hospital I got the chance to first-hand observe doctors in action

6 - Hey Khawater, thanks for reading and your reply :) I guess what I was trying to show there...

UndergraduatePrateek - Aug 29, 2010 / Prateek - Sep 2, 2010
Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech)

8 - I agree with Kevin, although not completely. I think you can write about anything, even if it involves...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 29, 2010 / ershad193 - Sep 1, 2010
Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King)

4 - Well... it is a great discussion, and a great idea. To cut out those words, I would lop off...

Undergraduatenavalava - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
Why Reed? Rhythm and High Hands

3 - I think it is better without "that" When I was little my uncle remarked to my mother, that "[Paul]...

UndergraduateQuintus - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
My parents + stem cell engineer

3 - November fifteenth, (This part is an unnecessary, distracting detail. On the day after my eighteenth birthday, I returned to...

UndergraduatePenndreamer - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 31, 2010
"What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event)

7 - I just noticed how much I like this sentence. This is a clever one... "So...y ou're not...

Undergraduatekcybug - Aug 29, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 3, 2010
What department? - "the opportunity to solve real-world problems"

3 - I don't want to spend four years studying <--- I do not college essays dont like it when you...

Undergraduaterayban11 - Aug 29, 2010 / patricia5827 - Aug 29, 2010
Business letter to an associate from abroad, philosophy of Negotiation [in Business]

5 - Thanks Kevin. I hope the professor likes the letter as much as you and Ershad did....

Undergraduatebenjy613 - Aug 29, 2010 / benjy613 - Aug 30, 2010
the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, your reason for choosing FIDM

5 - EF_Kevin OMG Thankyou SOO MUCH Kevin!!! i'm sorry, i didn't post 2 more edits, because my paper is...

UndergraduateHiLoTurtle - Aug 29, 2010 / HiLoTurtle - Aug 30, 2010
"My step grandmother died of type 1 diabetes" - Common App essay Topic 2.

4 - I have never heard that rule. It makes sense, though, because it can be one of those situations...

Undergraduatezamarripajorge1 - Aug 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 30, 2010
"It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma

15 - wow, harsh. Well, I guess there is wisdom to that... I like the way the essay ended....

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 19, 2010
"College In My Thirties" - the positive or negative aspects of coming to college

3 - Keep those verb tenses the same: What I did take pleasure in is was being with friends and...

Undergraduatebradberry916 - Aug 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 30, 2010
"Sibling Class" - Something you do for the pleasure of it

9 - Hmmm, i would hang out with friends once in a while, so as to relieve stress. Alternatively, i will...

Undergraduaterayban11 - Aug 28, 2010 / jiajun95 - Sep 2, 2010
"The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit

12 - I think you should talk less about the location. Your essay is based in returning to California, not Stanford....

Undergraduatewinstonli - Aug 28, 2010 / CrazySmiles - Sep 12, 2010
"Hair of Silver with a Heart of Gold"

4 - I only have to read that first sentence to know you are a great writer. However, I want to...

Undergraduateshmagus - Aug 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 30, 2010
"edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment

8 - I think you can go with 'My Dad'. Unless the professor has specifically asked you to use third person....

Undergraduatecomet2000 - Aug 28, 2010 / heythere11 - Jul 23, 2014
Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat?

8 - I'm looking at my post and realized that I typed it in wrong. My bad. Here's how it was...

Undergraduateblackpixel23 - Aug 28, 2010 / blackpixel23 - Oct 21, 2010
The National Honors Society president: Common app "additional info" HELP

4 - This is a well-articulated idea... I think it is worth considering. Rey and Michael, thanks for this great...

UndergraduateEmily Cons - Aug 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 30, 2010
"Literature is the best way to overcome death"- Amherst Supplement- Reply to quote

6 - Okay, I worked on it. Thesis: That moment drastically changed my view of theater and my view of...

UndergraduateMichael48304 - Aug 28, 2010 / Michael48304 - Aug 30, 2010
The person whose trait has influenced me the most is My Father

7 - Thanks that really helped zengr i will make that correction...

UndergraduateReby - Aug 28, 2010 / Reby - Sep 2, 2010
"The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan

11 - Yep, that will work. Nice! actually, reflect might work as well as express does. The sound reflected not...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 27, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 2, 2010
"outstanding abroad program" - Short answer to BU application.

3 - I agree. The good thing to do is have a theme and focus a little on your plan for...

Undergraduatesamishobe - Aug 27, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 29, 2010
"My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of

6 - I forgot to point out this in the first draft. The transition here is too abrupt for my...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 26, 2010 / ershad193 - Aug 28, 2010
distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit, Ohio

4 - It will be nice if you talk a little about your passion for architecture. Why this instead of a...

Undergraduateaurora33 - Aug 26, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
"The study abroad program really caught my attention" -essay for transfering to UT

7 - The message of my essay is to explain my educational background, to show how i came to decide on...

Undergraduatecrchica33 - Aug 26, 2010 / crchica33 - Aug 30, 2010
"say curiosity and determination" - Stanford essay: Note to Roommate

8 - I think the reason Stanford asks to write a note to your roomate is because they want to see...

Undergraduatesharonhoyy - Aug 26, 2010 / CrazySmiles - Sep 12, 2010
"to major in the Medical field" - Application essay (the Ohio State)

3 - This kind of sentence is never good. Don't waste any time acknowledging stuff they say on their website....

Undergraduatektsmith316 - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
"A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay

8 - Your English is almost perfect! You just have a few small errors. ...while my brother was in the...

UndergraduateSunny1 - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging

4 - I have to advise against this intro. The essay is supposed to be about an idea or experience,...

Undergraduatejelidtj - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
"dedicated to the arts" -A significant experience: New College Admission essay

4 - ...this small school is so much greater than it seems. -----Right here, you raise the question in the reader's...

Undergraduatesekreeger - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
"a career in the science field" - Admission for Biology/Pharmacy

2 - I was at loss with words when I was trying to find the right word, but now I...

Undergraduatedoctah - Aug 25, 2010 / freezard7734 - Aug 25, 2010
Master of Science degree in Computer Information Systems (About me essay)

2 - I like having alone time and not seeing people constantly, I think it is peaceful.--- this is nice. It...

Undergraduatelilschmitty09 - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 27, 2010
"...If we were to admit one more student, why you?" - ISB admission essay

3 - Look at how much better a sentence becomes when you remove unhelpful details: I am an individual full of...

Undergraduatecaprigaurav - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 27, 2010
"I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note

4 - Thanks everybody , Im going to fix it....

Undergraduatedfrojas - Aug 25, 2010 / dfrojas - Aug 31, 2010
Things that make me unique and distinct from any other person

4 - Hi, my name is Gabriel ... knows me better than myself. Like any other young boy, I can also...

Undergraduatetukkus23 - Aug 25, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 27, 2010
"Sunny Side Up" -- Rice Perspective Essay

8 - IT is not abrupt at the end. This is great for the perspective prompt. However, it definitely is not...

Undergraduateih8artichokes - Aug 24, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 8, 2010
Philosophy that everyone can accept: "Vires, Artes, Mores" FSU essay

5 - YOUR FIRST PARA 1. 8 i 's in your one sentence. BIG PROBLEM. you sound assertive and off dominant...

Undergraduatelpnkylee01 - Aug 24, 2010 / donrocks - Sep 3, 2010
"The Lessons from Soccer" CommonApp: Short EC Activity Essay

5 - That thematic angle of soccer acting as a new way of learning is actually what I was trying to...

Undergraduateblackpixel23 - Aug 24, 2010 / blackpixel23 - Aug 27, 2010
My mother is my courage, inspiration, and hero.

7 - Hi, Thanks very much for this comment. It help me to think about my ideals. Tks again...

Undergraduatedeejay_02 - Aug 24, 2010 / vegetablevn - Sep 23, 2010
My life as a lacrosse player, my frist college application essay, very rough draft

7 - I nearly threw up at my first lacrosse practice. --- this makes it too easy for the reader. Give...

Undergraduatekcmonster - Aug 24, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 27, 2010
Stanford Supplements-Guinea Pig & Thought process essays.

6 - I also agree. I think rewording it would be better: "At first I was slightly annoyed, but I...

Undergraduatetitanswim - Aug 24, 2010 / freezard7734 - Aug 25, 2010
How do you feel .. would benefit from having you as a ss? What can you contribute?

5 - Thanks for the help, I'm going to edit it now....

Undergraduatenhoc_kinhcan - Aug 24, 2010 / nhoc_kinhcan - Aug 27, 2010
Essay for transfer student with previous poor academic performance

4 - This is very good, but something seems missing. You indicate a lack of decisiveness about what you want to...

Undergraduatemirek84 - Aug 24, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 26, 2010
"rugby was my best sport" -Using 150 words, activities or events and experiences

4 - As the journalism and law club editor, I faced immense pressure -- stud ents demanding a magazine and the...

Undergraduateviwagude - Aug 24, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 26, 2010
Common Application Personal Essay "Challenge: A Gift of Advancement" - feedback

4 - Nevertheless, we had fun having a chance to play a sport that we loved and and did not get...

Undergraduatehosu223 - Aug 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 25, 2010
"the amazing wealth of knowledge that surrounds me" -Common App Essay

10 - So I decided to go online and see if I could spot a fact. pray prey and...

UndergraduateFirtree1 - Aug 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 25, 2010

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