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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 377)

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"never to bet against my parents" - GRAMMAR EDITING

3 - Why is it one long paragraph? That is the most important thing. One idea, one paragraph... that is the...

Undergraduatesongbird91 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
How I Role Model (UC PROMPT #1)

5 - I see that Susan got the errors... but little things could be improved, like... no comma is necessary here:...

UndergraduateKMA - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 19, 2009
Prompt: Describe ex of your leadership.

3 - Ha ha ha, awesome, we need more people like you!! How could anyone not be impressed with this essay?...

Undergraduatebrobson - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
"Never Really Considered Myself...." --Common App Short Answer

3 - Run on sentence: I never really considered myself to be quite the athlete; after years of dropped basketballs and...

UndergraduateJS2010 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
Senior Prom Committee Extracurricular 150 words or less

2 - I chose this job to create something that was worth remembering in high school. With only seven people,...

Undergraduatekaryenu - Nov 15, 2009 / lahariv - Nov 15, 2009
First generation student - Common App/ Topic of your choice

4 - Don't capitalize generation in that first sentence. Use a hyphen for self-learn. A little bit of assistance...

Undergraduatedjrmt - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
'studying politics in-depth' - GWU essay about what influenced me to apply

4 - Out Of the many reasons that inspired me to apply ... The George Washington University allows all...

Undergraduateaznq01 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
Essay about my experience - not possible to be specific!?

15 - your right kev!...

UndergraduateMoeMoe1 - Nov 15, 2009 / MoeMoe1 - Dec 1, 2009
USC prompt : "Perception of Mortality" does it agree with the prompt?

4 - It was me against a one-ton, metal, forty mile-per-hour moving machine. I almost lost, indefinitely. I crossed off...

Undergraduateguffaa88 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
A Future Doctor: 7 year BS-MD Program Essay

5 - Thank you everyone for editing this! I really appreciate the feedback. glorfs: Thanks for the in depth analysis!...

Undergraduatelahariv - Nov 15, 2009 / lahariv - Nov 17, 2009
UT austin "Issue essay"

3 - Also, don't capitalize nation in that first sentence. I almost want to suggest cutting it down to size as...

Undergraduatenuncio900 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 17, 2009
UC promt 1: Environmental Studies

2 - This might not seem like a very strong subject to you, but you can make it interesting by the...

Undergraduatesbenn334 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Susan - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt #2: Dr King

4 - Yes! Elaborate on biomed engineering, because you can show that you already read articles about breakthroughs and research projects,...

Undergraduatesaladbar_12 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC essay prompt #1 Success is not easy

4 - Find ways to use fewer words to say what you need to say: ...that makes me love playing it:...

Undergraduateagilbert1992 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Essay Prompt 2- Grandpa's Sin, My Revelation

4 - Thank you Susan and Kevin. I'll edit it while keeping your comments in mind. I appreciate it!...

Undergraduatetweezerman - Nov 15, 2009 / tweezerman - Nov 17, 2009
incorporated in my enthusiasm to contribute to this school,Does this make sense?

6 - No! :-) You could, maybe, incorporate enthusiasm into a mixture of emotions you are feeling right now....

Undergraduatekihyun91 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app

9 - Student tutors were only selected from the senior AP Calculus classes. Being a fervent fan of mathematics, I was...

UndergraduateHelpPls - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 19, 2009
'undeveloped third world countries travels' BOULDER what can you contribute

3 - You should briefly name them -- the organizations -- so that this sentence feels real instead of being...

Undergraduatekyleroland - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UCF has a well-established Nursing program and is very well-known. Why I chose to apply to UCF?

4 - Thanks, PatelJ. I notice you have been helping a lot of people lately....

Undergraduatemcfaddenm - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 12, 2009
"your future roommate to know about you" - Stanford Essay

4 - No problem. I would really appreciate it if you could read my 7 year Med. essay. Thank you!...

Undergraduatedanieljluebke - Nov 15, 2009 / lahariv - Nov 15, 2009
"ushering people in from sub-zero temperatures" - Stanford Essay

4 - I love this essay- I worked on his campaign too. I only wonder, what exactly did you gain from...

Undergraduatedanieljluebke - Nov 15, 2009 / songbird91 - Nov 15, 2009
"very diverse, delightful, and invigorating" - Rutgers Undergraduate Essay.

4 - Thank you very much Susan Mr. Nunez for your help:) I just finished fixing my essay whereever it was...

Undergraduatecar3n - Nov 15, 2009 / car3n - Nov 15, 2009
Open topic Supplement Essay about guitar-playing

10 - Thanks for all the feedback! I've revised the final two paragraphs and my conclusion is more explicit and...

Undergraduateglorfs - Nov 15, 2009 / glorfs - Nov 17, 2009
FSU admission essay STRENGTHS

5 - thank you all for the help and the wonderful comments!...

UndergraduateDanielVino - Nov 15, 2009 / DanielVino - Dec 6, 2009
massachusetts college of pharmacy supplement essay.

3 - I remember my whole family crying and mourning for days. As a future pharmacist, I look forward to...

UndergraduateNEEDHELP99 - Nov 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt #2: Rebuilding a Club

6 - Wow, I am impressed by how well you write. Also The president and I also broke down each...

Undergraduatevintage - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable?

9 - Yes, it definitely answers the prompt, and yes this new ending is great. Dramatic pause: However, I still...

UndergraduateKlaw30 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay

5 - John Quincey Adams My family came to America with limited amounts of money and two small bags filled...

UndergraduateNEEDHELP99 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
Wisc Prompts - #1 Personal Experience, #2 Why Economics?

3 - Hey thanks. I think you just pointed out a huge mistake of mine. (make an introduction without getting into...

Undergraduatemin12 - Nov 14, 2009 / min12 - Nov 15, 2009
"Judge people by their character" - FSU Essay Rough Draft - Mores

5 - "Judge people by their character, not by how they look,their looks. " "I succeeded in making it and...

Undergraduatethndthighs - Nov 14, 2009 / glorfs - Nov 15, 2009
IWU-one paragraph why essay

3 - Wow, Kelsey did such a great job, I don't know what to say! ...I had lived in Chicago...

Undergraduatejindu85 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
"As a child, I was basically perfect." - Describe the world you come from

8 - I absolutely love love the way you write. I never skipped a word or a sentence and my eyes...

Undergraduatepinkxp92 - Nov 14, 2009 / laughatmyname - Nov 20, 2009
"passionate abut studying" - University of Rochester Supplement (common app)

9 - Okay Dokes. I'll try that P.S. thanks (for the saying i was funny part).. oh (and for the...

UndergraduateJd87rh - Nov 14, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 23, 2009
Game Freak- Common App Essay

10 - I think your essay was really good, but I at first I thought you were going to write about...

Undergraduatejindu85 - Nov 14, 2009 / karyenu - Nov 17, 2009
a diverse individual with my own "vibrant" background - Rutgers Admissions Essay

4 - Hmm, I think you should describe what your "coat of many colors" consists of, just so you don't sound...

UndergraduateJS2010 - Nov 14, 2009 / robyag6 - Dec 25, 2009
MIT "Something for fun" and "Department" Essays critique?

6 - Thanks EF_Kevin! I'm not really sure if for the second one, MIT wants a specific course or just a...

Undergraduatesozin817 - Nov 14, 2009 / sozin817 - Nov 16, 2009
How does my reflective essay sound?

3 - Has there ever been a time where your parents told you not to play in the house? Well it...

Undergraduatetiger13twin - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
Go-go the suprising culture- UVA supplement essay

6 - it's great, i just see one tiny thing. I'd add you there b/w the music and never...

Undergraduatest21 - Nov 14, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 20, 2009
UC Prompt 2 - Music Molds My Mission

6 - I developed a strong personal attachment to music ever since the very first time I moved my hand over...

UndergraduateRypto - Nov 14, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 17, 2009
Bucknell Essay 2/3 About Me's

4 - Even as a child, I have always loved music. ---> You don't need to include "have," so leave it...

UndergraduateLorxX099 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 19, 2009
The world I come from is not out of the ordinary. I haven't chance to be a wonder woman yet

3 - Unfortunately, I haven't yet had that chance to travel all the way across the world or be a Wonder...

Undergraduatebreefinazzo - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt #2: "Duality" (let me know if it is adequate enough)

3 - I decided that I would learn to live respecting and remembering both of my cultural heritages and keeping a...

Undergraduateguffaa88 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UC Prompt#2 Personal Quality - Marching Band

5 - I felt as if all hope had flown been lost, but I could not give up. You have...

Undergraduateoek0127 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
UT Admissions essay: influential person

9 - OH WOW. I posted the wrong essay prompt. Yeah, my essay is actually supposed to be on the "write...

Undergraduatesatang00 - Nov 14, 2009 / satang00 - Nov 21, 2009
"proper education" - A&M Essay: Topic B

3 - Thanks for your help!! Its so nice to have a fresh set of eyes to look at a paper!!...

UndergraduateBrandon_Tuba - Nov 14, 2009 / Brandon_Tuba - Nov 15, 2009
Rutgers Essay Topic: First two paragraphs

4 - Here's how i'd change it up. It's only small changes. over all i think your short essay is very...

Undergraduateipwnu4free - Nov 14, 2009 / Jd87rh - Nov 14, 2009
"I already had many stereotypes" - U of M: Diversity essay

4 - Ha ha, I understand what Susan means. I think this part should be removed, because it may have...

Undergraduatebatmankiller - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 16, 2009
My english teacher as an influential person - Common App Prompt

4 - Yes, I think you should get right to the point: My eleventh grade English teacher, Mrs. Ostrenko, is...

Undergraduatedavidson10 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
"I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay

9 - Ha ha, yes it is awe striking! Well, I am glad the experience is a positive one...

UndergraduateTheseGuns - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 16, 2010
Personal statement for University of Wisconsin Madison. prompt #1

4 - thanks for the advices. I tried doing it again and it did not turn out so well. It...

Undergraduatehelpme143 - Nov 14, 2009 / helpme143 - Nov 18, 2009
"I caught my target unaware of my presence"; USC -Visions and Voices

10 - Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this! I have made the necessary grammatical changes. :D I was also...

Undergraduateaquamarine - Nov 14, 2009 / aquamarine - Nov 22, 2009
What name would you suggest for Grinnell?

13 - I named Grinnell as THE PHOENIXES as they recovered after the severe storm in the past. :D...

Undergraduatehera246 - Nov 14, 2009 / Robertlatt - Dec 23, 2009
Supplement DEAR ROOMMATE

4 - I look forward to meeting you and sharing with you my enthusiasm about (all kinds of things at this...

Undergraduatemia01 - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
husband of my mother's friend - SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE Common Application Essay

3 - He was born in XXX.... J impresses me with his unbelievable stories, that I really enjoy listening... The...

Undergraduatemia01 - Nov 14, 2009 / hera246 - Nov 14, 2009
"XX Model UN Conference" - Common App Short Essay

10 - What is thee question that you are answer. try to add more in about how this experience affected you....

Undergraduatejindu85 - Nov 14, 2009 / NEEDHELP99 - Nov 15, 2009
"live your life as a work of art" - Common Application

6 - This is not quite right: I live vicariously through my piano. When you live vicariously through the piano, it...

UndergraduateRhonWeasley - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009
'glorious alumna / colleges for women' - Smith college supplement

2 - Your first part is fine....I don't think anything needs change. Give more points to justify why women education was...

Undergraduateadamsnoopy - Nov 14, 2009 / hera246 - Nov 14, 2009
"Old Pride" - 500 words personnal statement.

9 - I don't really see how you were prideful in the situation. I see how you showed preseverance... Also, pride...

UndergraduateMonsieurWise - Nov 14, 2009 / twizzlestraw - Nov 26, 2009
waterskiing, UC Prompt 2: Personal Experience.

4 - good subject and connection to ur grades. make more variences in ur sentence structure and use more sophistocated, but...

Undergraduatejohn7777 - Nov 14, 2009 / kyleroland - Nov 15, 2009
Growing up a Muslim American, a world of justice and equality

3 - It was not until recently that I discovered that my mother not only accomplished everything for us as a...

UndergraduateHaderdaraide - Nov 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 15, 2009

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