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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 381)

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UC Prompt #1 The key to my world

9 - me neither.. anyways this is an amazing essay.. the detaisl you place in here are fantastic. Hope Stanford is...

Undergraduatebonjouramelie - Nov 2, 2009 / batmankiller - Nov 15, 2009
BU three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use qualities

3 - This is a great final piece, however i feel as if you summarize why you want to go to...

UndergraduateYolaynyMCiriaco - Nov 2, 2009 / palakpatel1992 - Nov 3, 2009
"no sense of diversity" - My Rutgers Essay

5 - The essay is good in that the ideas conveyed are interesting, but the language needs to be checked. I...

Undergraduatepalakpatel1992 - Nov 2, 2009 / Moonshadow0302 - Nov 5, 2009
UC Prompt 2 : Simply saying "No."

3 - It may sound stereotypical, but from my four years of my high school, I've known quite a lot of...

Undergraduatefendij3 - Nov 2, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
"my mom" - Personal Essay About A Significant Person in My Life

2 - Hi Rebecca, I think you're off to a great start here. I would like to give you a...

UndergraduateScoochie - Nov 2, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 2, 2009
UC Prompt #2 - my experience in raising a baby

5 - using a specific example may be better... n the rest was mentioned...see above......

Undergraduatetheasianlance - Nov 2, 2009 / simonma668 - Nov 5, 2009
NYU APPLICATION multiple prompts

3 - Here are some revisions. Let me know if the remedy is worse than the disease. ... Please tell...

Undergraduatepatorooni - Nov 2, 2009 / patorooni - Nov 2, 2009
proper paragraph formatting for application essays

3 - Good questions, it depends on the circumstances. If you are submitting via an online form, I think the above...

Undergraduatecasman - Nov 2, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
Aviation - Essay question for a job? I enjoy flying. I am a student pilot.

5 - I think I may have some facts you should know before you finalize that draft. I'm a high school...

UndergraduateCamodan - Nov 2, 2009 / zebrasapien - Nov 4, 2009
Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology

8 - well, now that I know Sam means Science and MAth, the whole essay makes sense. But if the admission...

UndergraduateMayada - Nov 2, 2009 / Haru0422KR - Nov 5, 2009
Exposed to many different types of characters, with each, lived a different life. World, Aspirations

2 - good essay! it would be better though if you described the world you come from: your home, your school...

Undergraduateboogerface - Nov 2, 2009 / bbventura - Nov 4, 2009
International trip alone?

2 - Awesome! I like how you connected it to college at the end, great ideas. I wonder if your intended...

Undergraduatecolorfuloving - Nov 2, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
Life goals from a liberal arts education

2 - From Spiderman to FDR to Jesus, we have all... I think the paragraph about pro-athletes does not fit....

Undergraduatemichiganmaniac8 - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Rape as a topic?

11 - I agree with all the previous comments. Even if you feel nervous about submitting such a personal challenge, I...

Undergraduaterollerderby - Nov 1, 2009 / angelica0716 - Nov 5, 2009
"You are good at everything." - Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay

5 - Well, it's hard not to sound self indulgent with this kind of essay! It's really tricky to get it...

Undergraduatelexmonti - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Jan 8, 2010
Why Northwestern (is it personal enough?)

6 - I couldn't help but notice that you have posted two Northwestern essays for this same topic. Are you using...

Undergraduateangie127 - Nov 1, 2009 / hellohello - Dec 4, 2009
UC #1 Family influence: Bioengineering

3 - I felt puzzled as I stared up at the strange ... In my mind, I imagined the contraption...

Undergraduateowlcity24 - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
Stanford Supplementary Essay #2-Sudoku The Roommate Message

6 - Yes, as Kevin said - perhaps something more about your personality, using Sudoku as a base - show how...

UndergraduateIndoodPossible - Nov 1, 2009 / Moonshadow0302 - Nov 11, 2009
Common App Short Answer - Working at A&F - criticism welcome!

2 - Excellent, it is great that work feels like a party. Remember in the future, when you have jobs that...

Undergraduatemattsaysfierce - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
Stanford Supplement Essay: Personal Narrative on career decision

2 - You know, what my first thought was? I thought, I would not want my surgery to be performed by...

Undergraduatekart00cj - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
"The Fusion of Psychology and Music In My Life" - Cornell Prompt

3 - try phrasing this differently. perhaps be more specific on what achievements your motivation has led you to. ...

UndergraduateILUxpssh - Nov 1, 2009 / angie127 - Nov 1, 2009
interesting or amusing story about yourself - UGA prompt

8 - The first response is a little formal, you want to make sure the colleges get to know you, not...

Undergraduatealam889 - Nov 1, 2009 / mle2010 - Nov 12, 2009
Obsession with time - Stanford Roomate short essay response

5 - This can sometimes become problematic, as I find just relaxing extremely difficult. Lots of people find relaxing difficult....

Undergraduatekart00cj - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
"My Mission Trip" - UF prompt

3 - Graciously , I walked over to ... I think you should also talk about the part time job...

Undergraduatelilminkzmayb - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 4, 2009
"The non-athletic guy" - Common App Personal Essay

2 - I think its very conversational which is always a plus in a essay. It's witty and really does talk...

UndergraduateSignifica - Nov 1, 2009 / sopheebliss - Nov 1, 2009
a six month old embryo in a jar...? personal statement

7 - Bravo!! The revised version is very good. im not the smartest cookie but ill try hah:) The only things...

Undergraduatejpg_76 - Nov 1, 2009 / damnsam - Nov 24, 2009
My answers for some application profile questions

5 - Thanks you three, I'll get to tweaking my first statement...

UndergraduatetheAbraham - Nov 1, 2009 / theAbraham - Nov 6, 2009
"More than meets the eye" - essay for Chicago U.

4 - ^Because...that is a unique ability, as most people fail to make eye contact during a conversation? Overall,...

Undergraduatelisandrag - Nov 1, 2009 / Liebe - Nov 4, 2009
Chinese Chess - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay. Currently overlength )):

3 - fifteen instead of 15. Don't say "under me," because it sounds a little haughty. I think you...

Undergraduatezhangyitao - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
'Project WORTHY'. I need to cut some of this UIUC essay down, can you help?

9 - The first paragraph is identical as is the last. The second paragraph is better served by the second version...

Undergraduateanuj1450 - Nov 1, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Nov 3, 2009
UF Admissions Essay- continuity and grammar questions..

4 - My first impression of your essay was defined by the second word that you chose: aberrant. It sounds a...

Undergraduatejwatson - Nov 1, 2009 / abutler5 - Nov 5, 2009
Singapore food - Your roommate to be - Stanford Roomate Essay

7 - Hi Zhang Yi! Great work on this essay! There is something that is so refreshingly effortless and authentic...

Undergraduatezhangyitao - Nov 1, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 1, 2009
"what to gain from diversity"-UM prompt 2

3 - I think a lot of people would agree that those first sentences are not necessary. But... I really like...

Undergraduatebmore1991 - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
"a helping hand" college essay

10 - You might want to explain this meningitis encephalitis. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what kind...

Undergraduatebecca3924 - Nov 1, 2009 / HelpPls - Nov 16, 2009
My Cello - playing on it is my most challenging, but most rewarding personal activity.

3 - Playing the cello is my most challenging, but most rewarding personal activity. Sometimes, I practice anywhere from thirty minutes...

Undergraduatebyflash - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
World of knowledge, digital art

4 - Sorry I did not get here in time to help. I think you should not, in the future, use...

Undergraduatehdirt1 - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Common App Short Essay about Tennis help

4 - I really love tennis and have played for my town's team since I was 11 so I can understand...

UndergraduateJKarma14 - Nov 1, 2009 / linmark - Nov 12, 2009
Duke Supplement: Why Duke?

3 - Hi there! I actually love this essay! Paragraph 1 feels honest and authentic (esp. the 'I play golf!'...

Undergraduatecdrappi - Nov 1, 2009 / ivyeyesediting - Nov 2, 2009
Bringing attributes of Determination and time management to UF

2 - Oh, this part is very good!! ----> As the youngest child, I had the advantage... I think you...

Undergraduatepenutsmurf - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Two Statements - life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments

2 - Write a sentence about what you were doing instead of focusing on school. If you were passionate about something...

Undergraduateohmygoodness - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Common Application Volleyball essay; My family is notoriously terrible at sports

4 - In the last paragraphs, reflect on experiencing moments of extreme focus, meditative, similar to your other passion, which is...

Undergraduatesmallfry320 - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
'Immigrant to the United States'; I did my best to avoid alienating from my American peers

5 - Don't end with that "good tings come in small packages," because it weakens your essay. Your essay is very...

Undergraduatemadmadiah - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Diversity Essay-Illustrating the value of diversity in my life.

3 - In the beginning, I think it is impressive that you talk about globalization as something that makes out fates...

Undergraduateperejdam - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Common App Essay: Choose your own topic: Poker as a conceit to life

2 - I think it might be more powerful without putting " " marks around "play a hand." "His heart...

Undergraduated3adma - Nov 1, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
'my dream with various courses' - Northwestern essay

3 - Although there are many reasons why Northwestern is my higher education destination, my primary reason is its academic excellence....

Undergraduatedelta598 - Nov 1, 2009 / Lunacy - Nov 1, 2009
Short answer-desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future

2 - Interesting opening which leads naturally to your point about coming from a large (200??) family. What does it mean...

Undergraduatetkkt1 - Nov 1, 2009 / linmark - Nov 1, 2009
Basketball has become an indispensable part of my life - Common app short essay

7 - Thanks everyone :D This is my second draft. But it's 160 words long ==! So help me to cut...

Undergraduatetrung2012 - Nov 1, 2009 / trung2012 - Nov 3, 2009
Tug of War - Evaluate a Significant Risk-Macaulay Honors Essay

4 - kwami, would u look at tht. i found your essay. and i do like it the struggle with your...

UndergraduateKwameOcran - Nov 1, 2009 / farhanaxp - Nov 28, 2009
"Anthem of My Independence" - Georgetown Essay

5 - The essay is fine for the prompt (which you feel best describes you .) So you need to devote...

Undergraduatecngo15 - Nov 1, 2009 / linmark - Nov 2, 2009
Why did you chose this major?--Bucknell supp

3 - ...the relation between nature, science and humanity . I don't think the problem is that it is too...

Undergraduatedark horse - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
UM - Ann Arbor Undergraduate Admissions Essays

4 - ...two years, but it was not until this year that I finally gained insight that was truly meaningful --...

Undergraduategino250 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
My dad has always had this personal history of how he escaped from communist Bulgaria

4 - Thanks, Janson, for making a great contribution here!...

Undergraduatefendij3 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Wrestling - College Essay...any suggestions?

6 - Thanks becca!!! You too!...

Undergraduatec7939950 - Oct 31, 2009 / c7939950 - Nov 9, 2009
'Beauty and the beast' - Stanford #1: Intellectually engaging activity

3 - As a reader who does not know much about music (beyond jazz, some classical and some pop/hip hop) and...

UndergraduateBartok - Oct 31, 2009 / linmark - Nov 1, 2009
Rice "Why this college" motivation essay

3 - ...program and strong reputation for providing quality education. Another thing that attracted me to Rice was its relatively...

Undergraduateblubunny5 - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
Diversity has always been important to me ; Why Emory Essay ^^?

3 - Thank youuuu! I will fix immediately....

Undergraduatemadmadiah - Oct 31, 2009 / madmadiah - Oct 31, 2009
The locket. Last words my sister said to me at the airport

4 - thanks so much...may you please check my poem on Poetry Writing section. .... thank you again......

Undergraduatebilal ABUZENAH - Oct 31, 2009 / bilal ABUZENAH - Nov 3, 2009
Conduct Explaination- UF

4 - Yes, college is big business, and you stand a good chance despite these issues. I suggest rewriting this...

UndergraduateBrickwiggles - Oct 31, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 3, 2009
I want to push the submit button tonight (Stanford)

19 - VERY NICE! however, nitpicking: My Hard work, sweat, and perseverance all climaxed to that point. - this...

Undergraduateekfoong - Oct 31, 2009 / twizzlestraw - Nov 25, 2009
Putting my thoughts on paper; UT austin Statement of Purpose

7 - I think this will be my final, before my submission. Thank you Kevin for the editing that you done...

Undergraduatenuncio900 - Oct 31, 2009 / nuncio900 - Nov 18, 2009

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