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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 401)

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"Hola! Me llamo Allison"; Stanford Essay 2 - Roomate essay / tear it apart

3 - Yeah, this essay does what it is supposed to. Try to avoid sentence fragments, though: Okay,...

Undergraduatetreehugger77 - Aug 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 4, 2009
At this summit of world leaders, tensions were high; avoid falling into cliches.

6 - Either way, you should still return to the simulation at the end of the essay. You need to close...

Undergraduatechahn375 - Aug 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 8, 2009
personal statement topic (my family, their love and care)

12 - I agree with ppthecat. Your essay could be copy/pasted into a lot of other applications without many changes. You...

Undergraduatenuniji - Aug 3, 2009 / 2010nbailey - Aug 13, 2009
Events in my life - New UF essay.

5 - Please don't start with those words. Your story is strong and could be compelling but needs to be...

UndergraduateDeadpool013 - Aug 3, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 5, 2009
Ut topic A- someone who has impacted your life (too much information?)

4 - Yeah, you need this essay to be about half the length it currently is. Bad enough (from the point...

Undergraduatenancyroll1 - Aug 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 4, 2009
'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements

12 - ^Yes I did, because you were not clear. There really is not that much of a difference...

UndergraduateRheaV - Aug 3, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 8, 2009
Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay

5 - In the first couple of paragraphs all of your sentences are pretty short. You should make some long, some...

Undergraduateemilyroll0 - Aug 2, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 3, 2009
Miss Judy Common App

21 - The analogy in original doesn't work because there is too much of a gap between the introduction and the...

Undergraduatebrendali92 - Aug 2, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 6, 2009
'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you?

14 - I have had trouble with this one also. Start a thread and we may be able to help...

Undergraduatethegerman - Aug 1, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 4, 2009
"Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago

20 - yea, i considered taking it off my list. i just have all the other essays done. and there like...

Undergraduatetal105 - Aug 1, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 7, 2009
Transfer Admission Essay - a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals

6 - Media and their connection to the human experience are fascinating, so much so that this tepid statement falls...

UndergraduateCorpusCallosum - Aug 1, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 4, 2009
"Whatever you do, own it!" - UCF admission - Why did you choose to apply to UCF

13 - Flows well but I agree with everyone and listen to Sean....

Undergraduatebmw - Jul 31, 2009 / NorisGR - Aug 11, 2009
"Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback

15 - Passive construction involve using forms of "to be," the weakest verb, to turn what would normally be the subject...

Undergraduatetreehugger77 - Jul 31, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 4, 2009
"My dream" essay (a medical profession)

7 - Your writing certainly isn't generic, and a hook, while nice, is more of an extra than a necessity. If...

Undergraduateeternal flame - Jul 31, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 3, 2009
The story of two eagles-- common app

8 - OH, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUGEESTION. I will consider your suggestions and make the revision according to some of...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 30, 2009 / tiantian12 - Jul 30, 2009
World I come from essay prompt, how's the idea?

4 - you should also divide the essay in to respective paragraphs....

Undergraduatesunshine101 - Jul 30, 2009 / mbjaya999 - Jul 31, 2009
UF application essay. 461 words. Critiques? Comments? Good/Bad?

NEW - Prompt:In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment...

UndergraduateDeadpool013 - Jul 29, 2009 / — -
University studies and my career

5 - lol. They might be tempted to actually use it....

Undergraduatefestusmmadu - Jul 29, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 3, 2009
"people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay

26 - ^Hey Simone. When I said that, I was not making a statement based on my own opinion. I was...

Undergraduatetal105 - Jul 28, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 8, 2009
UC Admissions Essays (my personal virtues; why Cornell) - LF some critiques/insight/help

8 - Yes, this essay is now very strong in both form and content. I'd make one more editing pass, attending...

UndergraduateDreid3 - Jul 28, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 2, 2009
"My life full of wonderful events" - UF Admissions Essay

9 - To cut down on the word count, ask yourself what you want the essay to say about you, then...

Undergraduateionutalbu25 - Jul 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 29, 2009
Is the content too cynical for the common application?

3 - I agree. While the story is compelling, you must remember the purpose, which is to tell the admissions committee...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 28, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 28, 2009
'I would never do another pageant' - univer. of michigan--setback youve faced ESSAY

9 - I think it's a good overall essay. Great subject considering it's something you love. The ending, with all the...That...

Undergraduatetal105 - Jul 27, 2009 / Deadpool013 - Aug 3, 2009
"My Own Dr. 90210" - common app essay

7 - thanks again for more ideas. btw in the first paragrapg, i was trying to say i want to do...

Undergraduatetal105 - Jul 27, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 28, 2009
'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine

10 - I am fervently interested in pursuing my degree of Doctor of Medicine at Yale University because of its long-established...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 27, 2009 / Liebe - Jul 29, 2009
"BALLS UP," his voice echoes through my ear canals ; Essay on tennis

6 - I actually wrote it as a college app essay on my dedication to tennis....

Undergraduatevip747 - Jul 27, 2009 / vip747 - Jul 29, 2009
Diversity, my different background - UM diversity esssay

6 - Thanks for the advice....

Undergraduateimmefrank - Jul 27, 2009 / immefrank - Jul 28, 2009
Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay

34 - Thank you! That's really kind of you to say. Good luck to you too, hope you'll continue to post...

Undergraduate10tlala - Jul 27, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 3, 2009
Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak?

8 - Well, I sent it off a few minutes ago. For my mental and emotional health don't tell me if...

Undergraduatekenziii - Jul 26, 2009 / kenziii - Jul 28, 2009
"My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay

11 - Do your own spell checking, then post a revised text here for a final grammar check....

Undergraduatestevenjordan25 - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 2, 2009
"Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :)

20 - Yeah, you rely too heavily on weak verbs: "The school was nothing like my expectancy. It was comprised...

Undergraduatedlrhksgud4 - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 30, 2009
"Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application

6 - I'm glad to hear that! I think you've got it right. Your engaging list of foibles...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 26, 2009
'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer

16 - Okay, then yes, your essay is fine. I just wanted to see the exact prompt, because you could have...

Undergraduate10tlala - Jul 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 27, 2009
"I can - the sky is the limit" - UF Essay

3 - Yeah, "can't," on its own, without context, is a fairly innocuous word. As with many essays I see here,...

UndergraduateJkuhlman78 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 24, 2009
'DNA Repair / Surgery / Medicine / Upbringing' - Short Response to Johns Hopkins

3 - Using molecular techniques such as cloning and immunofluorescence, I deeply engaged in the study ofstudied how the cells recognize...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
UF essay -- Trip to Iceland

2 - This is a very good start, but needs pruning. Remember that the prompt asks for a concise story. Go...

Undergraduatemeg12212 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
"my peers' views" - admission essay-common app

5 - The question is: Did you participate in truly voluntary civic activities, rather than resume-embellishing activities? If so, list them....

Undergraduatextlraptor - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 27, 2009
Hough Graduate School of Business - admission essay

2 - I'm glad you're dedicated to hard work and endurance, because you've got a lot of work to do before...

Undergraduateprincessbelle79 - Jul 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
"valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays

19 - Yeah, "the fact that" is a lazy phrase. I use it myself sometimes because I can be lazy,...

UndergraduateOrchid19 - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
College app: Contribution to educational environment essay: help with beginning

6 - Try it a couple of different ways. See what you like best. Hey! That works when creating recipes too!...

Undergraduatebluedog - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
"I come prepared very well academically" - UF Application Essay

4 - I like the engaging introduction, but the essay then becomes dull. If you know that you may lose the...

Undergraduatestuygator - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
"My work experience" -- Too...nonchalant?

9 - That sounds right, thanks! (: I didn't think about it like that....

UndergraduateJACOX1 - Jul 23, 2009 / JACOX1 - Jul 25, 2009
Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus")

6 - Yeah, the German lover might throw people off. There is Germanophile, but it doesn't have the same flow as...

Undergraduatethegerman - Jul 23, 2009 / Notoman - Jul 24, 2009
"responsible student", "ideal school for me" - UCF Admission Essays

3 - Let's work on wordiness. Being biracial had been something that I felt made meonce led me to feel...

Undergraduateomgitsafly - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 24, 2009
Admission Essay to Med School; "give me the bad news first"

3 - Thank you EF_Simone. Will take your advice....

Undergraduatemarian - Jul 22, 2009 / marian - Jul 22, 2009
"My ultimate goal of earning an MD" - UF essay!

4 - I'm moving this to the original thread. Keep revisions in the same thread as the original essay....

Undergraduateschooler101 - Jul 22, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 22, 2009
Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco

14 - It is very endearing! I smiled the whole time I was reading it....

Undergraduateashtonrounds - Jul 21, 2009 / Notoman - Jul 29, 2009
"My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience

7 - ^Isnt phenomenal a bit too powerful of a word for this context? My eyes finally landed on...

Undergraduatellunachick2319 - Jul 21, 2009 / Liebe - Jul 22, 2009
Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay.

11 - i noticed that some of your sentences, well, a LOT at a time, are short sentences. when reading it...

Undergraduatechelsealwayss - Jul 21, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 2, 2009
I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay

11 - Thanks, Notoman! I'll use the semicolon. :]...

Undergraduate2010nbailey - Jul 21, 2009 / 2010nbailey - Jul 29, 2009
Need some advice with my Admission essay for Radiology tech program

2 - I'll tackle the first couple of paragraphs and then challenge our forum members to pitch in on the...

UndergraduateLisse - Jul 21, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
"To persue studies on a dedicated level" - Common App. Transfer Essay

4 - That about covers it. Provide us with the exact question you are supposed to be answering, and a...

Undergraduatemollymango - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 27, 2009
Family influence - violence essay

14 - Yeah, at the moment, after reading your essay, if I were the admissions officer, I would really like to...

Undergraduatejoshstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 23, 2009
Obstacles in the road - Need assistance with UCF Prompt

6 - Good job. Love the first line. Extra points for "epiphany" -- one of my favorite words....

Undergraduatejoshstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
I will forever be nostalgic for the summer of 09 - PENN STATE essay

4 - sometimes its hard to understand the critiques of others as a writer, but i agree with what liebe has...

Undergraduatedjl5252 - Jul 20, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 31, 2009
AP biology - University of Florida Admissions Essay

4 - ok, I will rework my organization so that that is more clear, thanks a bunch...

Undergraduateyabbs1004 - Jul 20, 2009 / yabbs1004 - Jul 21, 2009
FSU Essay - "Going to FSU will only make me stronger"

5 - It would also be nice if you could connect all three through some sort of common theme, or else...

Undergraduatekrisdp25 - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 23, 2009
influential person my father

4 - 1. Begin with what is now your second paragraph. 2. Write more about your father's characteristics as these...

Undergraduateokons4life - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
"my inner characteristics to shine" - UCF prompt Contribute to UCF community

7 - "Dramatic" difference, "momentous" impact, "intense" leadership... these all seem a bit, um, dramatic for the simple fact of having...

Undergraduatejaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 23, 2009
Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death)

23 - I agree. It's great. Here are the only things I could find-- "Now, instead of running out...

Undergraduatejaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 3, 2009

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