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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 402)

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Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death)

23 - I agree. It's great. Here are the only things I could find-- "Now, instead of running out...

Undergraduatejaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 3, 2009
"Experiences or accomplishments that defined me as a person"

5 - Julien 15, You may want to begin by thinking and answering the question - " What is the most...

Undergraduatejulien15 - Jul 20, 2009 / bretta49 - Jul 20, 2009
This year's cross-county varsity - common app significant experience essay.

14 - The essay was always well-written, with plenty of specific details. You just needed to cut it down to the...

Undergraduateprompter - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 24, 2009
Career aspiration essay - the pharmacist.

10 - Your aspiration is to be a pharmacist. Probably, you have some more specific ideas about that, such as...

UndergraduateYongKee - Jul 20, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
Common App Essay: What I learned playing piano at a nursing home.

5 - Thank you all for this advice! I've added information about research that Dr. Oliver Sacks has done, fixed my...

Undergraduatenadabatu - Jul 19, 2009 / nadabatu - Oct 19, 2009
Suggestions for personal statement for Top university (Chinese in Canada)

11 - thank you...

Undergraduatelacetti - Jul 19, 2009 / lacetti - Jul 21, 2009
The Most Influential Person in my Life essay (my husband)

6 - I'd like this to get to the point more quickly. I think we all know that children are influenced...

Undergraduateaintmissbehavin - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
"My Name" - Common Application short answer essay

8 - And that's precisely your problem. I still say you should reduce the essay to a single opening sentence,...

Undergraduatevip747 - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
"Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had....

16 - WOW! u can write. both of these do show that :D i did like the 1st one better though!...

Undergraduatekura - Jul 18, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 27, 2009
"Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay

22 - Well, any essay you write should have a theme. Usually for application essays, each essay conveys one or more...

Undergraduatenike - Jul 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
Need Help with application essay about my personal characteristics

11 - start off as a story... maybe you will get inspiration?...

Undergraduatebookworm1286 - Jul 17, 2009 / Hamlet9876 - Jul 25, 2009
"Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement

26 - I grew up an only girl with seven brothers in a single family home with my mother. We lived...

UndergraduateMichele1248 - Jul 17, 2009 / tal105 - Jul 27, 2009
"My grandparents" - UCF Undergrad essay

6 - Whoa -- that's an overly long sentence. It's good to say that you want to use your college...

Undergraduatejennameister12 - Jul 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 18, 2009
Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay

9 - Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality As the school bus lurches to a stop,...

UndergraduateiHasWritersBloc - Jul 16, 2009 / jaredstabb - Jul 20, 2009
Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life..

15 - lol Your sentence structure is flawed. For example your second sentence. Your tenses need work. Following your passions. Your...

Undergraduatelol - Jul 16, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 6, 2009
"Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay

11 - ^I did suggest 'not' in my revision. I guess Brandon did not want to use my suggestion. ...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 16, 2009 / Liebe - Jul 18, 2009
About my environment - admission essay topic

7 - Can you unify all three points with a common thread? That would go a long way towards making the...

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jul 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 20, 2009
My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay

10 - No problem. I look forward to reading your next draft....

Undergraduatekritipg - Jul 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
Stanford Experience Essay

7 - The entire essay sort of suffers from focusing on an experience that stoked your enthusiasm for engineering, when that...

Undergraduateaan027 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
"Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay

17 - Did you ever come up with a revised draft for this one?...

Undergraduateaan027 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 28, 2009
'history and international situations' - UT essay: important issue

9 - Could you demonstrate some of your key points with specific examples? For example? As evidenced...

Undergraduatespalash9_9 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary

36 - As a musician, you might benefit from exposing yourself to as many different genres as possible. Hip hop on...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 21, 2009
UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread?

21 - "Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its culture." You...

Undergraduatekrisdp25 - Jul 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 26, 2009
"We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =)

29 - How are the other paragraphs? Do I focus too much on the setting of the competition (in the first...

Undergraduatezam614 - Jul 13, 2009 / zam614 - Aug 15, 2009
Are there any experiences or accomplishments that helped define you as a person

5 - Right. Everybody says that they have overcome obstacles and become stronger as a result. The idea is to...

Undergraduatebianxii08 - Jul 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 14, 2009
Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish..

32 - You are right! Thank you very much! Right now I am considering of using the idea of "Are we...

Undergraduatetiantian12 - Jul 12, 2009 / kangnahua - Aug 14, 2009
'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions?

21 - Universities should create more job opportunities for students and help them have certain jobs quickly after their graduation....

Undergraduatekrisdp25 - Jul 11, 2009 / Kalyn17992 - Sep 15, 2013
The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son

8 - Okay, since he tossed his siblings in there, and assuming that his siblings share his view of their dad....

Undergraduatebrandon - Jul 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 12, 2009
(cheerleading labour) - PENN STATE PERSONAL STATEMENT

6 - Hey Brittney, I am also applying at Penn State. I just finished my statement: the title is "want to...

Undergraduatebrittanytrappe - Jul 9, 2009 / Michele1248 - Jul 18, 2009
Capital Punishment (the death penalty) Essay. Should be allowed or not?

11 - I was thinking more of getting free labor from bound people, especially people who have proven themselves criminally inclined....

Undergraduateorlando - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
Medical Secondary

26 - Yep. Your essay are normally fairly strong to being with, and with your commitment to revising them as strenuously...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jul 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 17, 2009
'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay

24 - No worries. We are very patient people....

Undergraduatediiaa36 - Jul 6, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 21, 2009
"Elaborate on one of your extra-curriculars" - 150 words or less - critique?

9 - I agree that this is a strong essay and I can see the passion you have for danceing, but...

Undergraduatellunachick2319 - Jul 4, 2009 / FoxyKittie14 - Jul 15, 2009
Undergraduates essay to UCF

5 - I agree with sean, i don't think this essay answers either of the questions. Try to expand on your...

UndergraduateBallerinaskap - Jul 4, 2009 / krisdp25 - Jul 13, 2009
The personal statements for University of Wisconsin,

5 - As you revise, cut out anything that is unnecessary, vague, or wordy, thusly: "One thing that I am...

Undergraduatekw106 - Jul 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
Undergraduate Review, "Newton" (Rutgers University)

7 - It's okay to say that you are an avid reader -- I just wouldn't mention that you read...

UndergraduateSeebConnect - Jul 2, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 6, 2009
i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ?

5 - Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and after reading...

UndergraduateKTZ - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
"Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :)

5 - The experience itself is sort of interesting -- a coincidence of symptoms that awakens with in you an awareness...

Undergraduatepaircorner - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
An appeal letter for Business Management Admission !

6 - Try rewriting your appeal letter using only 60% of the words you currently do, and eliminating every instance of...

UndergraduateDannyBoy - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes

4 - Yep, verbiage aplenty here. (Isn't "extra verbiage" redundant?) In any event, try to say what you want to say...

UndergraduateMayada - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
"My Mom" - help with most influential person essay.

9 - Notoman's sample essay is exactly the sort of model you need to follow when reworking your own. You may...

Undergraduatebrandon - Jun 30, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school

17 - "It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma" =...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be?

6 - You just need to speak from the heart while also answering the prompt. You might talk about how you...

Undergraduateprasun8463 - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay

9 - And the first sentence in most of these paragraphs does sort of act as a topic sentence anyway. ...

Undergraduaterediat - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques?

6 - You could just delete the first sentence, and that would help a fair bit. You still wouldn't have the...

UndergraduateJennameister - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems

8 - In general, "kid" should be avoided. And I agree. You're ready to send it in, which I expect...

UndergraduateCharlie221133 - Jun 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 1, 2009
"I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay.

5 - Interesting read. Try to cut down on the double statements, 'unsafe and unstable' . They're unnecessary, and they slow...

Undergraduaterpwal7 - Jun 27, 2009 / Charlie221133 - Jun 30, 2009
'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic

5 - Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This highlights a wider problem with your use of language -- you tend...

Undergraduatecutestchloe - Jun 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 27, 2009
Topic for my personal statement (characteristics, family history, culture)

3 - A lot of people have this problem, but really, there is no need to worry. No one in...

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
"My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay

9 - Followed shortly thereafter by "there is" and "there are," though this will require some rephrasing rather than simple deletions....

Undergraduatedblaze98 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay

11 - Thanks again, Simone and Sean! :)...

UndergraduateEalgian - Jun 25, 2009 / Ealgian - Jun 28, 2009
how to reply an letter of acceptance

18 - Dear Moderators, I see what you mean. It is meant to say " "I write in reference to the...

UndergraduateMchonos - Jun 24, 2009 / bretta49 - Jul 20, 2009
Show how my university studies affect my career future?

11 - Thank EF_Sean for your suggestions so much. I will repair and complete my essay....

Undergraduatephanphuongngan - Jun 23, 2009 / phanphuongngan - Jun 25, 2009
"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?

6 - I think this is a good start, but you have to be specific of what program you are applying...

UndergraduateNickT - Jun 23, 2009 / kw106 - Jul 3, 2009
"No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement

26 - For introductory clauses, just remember that the modifier always, always, always modifies the noun that comes directly after...

Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 24, 2009
Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance)

10 - When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction, I should have sought counseling but I did...

Undergraduategodlyatheist - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 26, 2009
Need help with question - news story that will shape my future

11 - Of course, if CarlosGarcia19 is the sort of person who is specifically interested in related research questions, then...

UndergraduateCarlosGarcia19 - Jun 22, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 23, 2009
"experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement

7 - It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be....

UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 21, 2009 / Liebe - Jun 26, 2009
Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet)

11 - That about sums my own view of the matter, too. I suspect that the vast majority of application...

UndergraduateItaly - Jun 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 22, 2009
'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA

11 - Yes, it would only take a sentence or two to specify your new study habits. It is, of course,...

UndergraduateDrudoy - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 21, 2009

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