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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 428)

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To major in film & traveling - Uc Essays Prompt #1 and #2

2 - Good afternoon :) Some general mechanical corrections in regards to both pieces. First, avoid contractions in formal academic...

Undergraduatemgasparo - Nov 25, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
"Detroit, that's a rough place" - UC application prompt 1

4 - More reflection is needed and less story...

Undergraduateshaydiego - Nov 25, 2008 / teenaxboee - Nov 27, 2008
Living in suburban paradise, right now, I have not fully figured out what I want to do with my life.

3 - Good afternoon :) I think your content is a good fit for this question. You do a good...

Undergraduatenancyy - Nov 25, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
"I'm a Mexican female" - UC Personal statement Prompt numero uno!

2 - Good afternoon :) I don't think you have a problem with voice at all! As a matter of...

UndergraduateNickle - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
I intend to major in communication studies. I have become extremely fascinated by mass media.

5 - Good evening :) While this piece is also good, I prefer the first piece. It seems to fit...

Undergraduatehmirza - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 27, 2008
'Will I be in college?' - UC prompt 1

3 - Good afternoon :) I agree with Nickle; you do a great job explaining the experience, but no time...

Undergraduatekyledood - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
"My mom and dad's office" - UC prompt 1 and 2

11 - The only thing I want to ask about is the title: My Mom and Dad's Office Is this...

Undergraduatesilversweet - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2008
'Shopping and Dinner with the Girls' - UCF HONORS COLLEGE

2 - Good afternoon :) Mechanically, make sure you don't use contractions in formal academic pieces; for instance, "couldn't" should...

Undergraduatemolzeeee - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
'It was God' - UCI PS Prompt #2 Help - quality, experience

2 - Good afternoon :) I think this is a proper answer to this prompt; you describe the experience and...

Undergraduatekobenit4eea - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
'College life / Cortland apple' - Transfer Essays

5 - Thank you Gloria...

Undergraduatecielov - Nov 24, 2008 / cielov - Nov 25, 2008
New SAIC essay now that it is on track, last advice needed.

2 - Good afternoon :) As you didn't include the prompt for this piece, I have edited your first paragraph...

Undergraduateadelewu - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app

6 - I applaud your extra effort. When you feel inspiration come over you, always use it! Put the comma...

Undergraduatejenf3r - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Kevin - Dec 27, 2008
Two short answers; How did you first learn of Smith College / why this College?

3 - Thank you so much!...

Undergraduateluv4evr - Nov 24, 2008 / luv4evr - Nov 25, 2008
Starting an admission essay on important discoveries being the result..

4 - E stands for "example" in that analogy, I think! :) Kevin...

Undergraduatexx_khushali - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Kevin - Dec 5, 2008
"every time I walk into the open space" - UC prompt #2

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited a paragraph of your piece and given some general comments as well:...

Undergraduatesncooper10 - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
"Tryouts" - essay prompt 1

2 - Good afternoon :) I do think that this is too specific for their prompt. I believe they are...

Undergraduatesncooper10 - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
UC personal statements 1 and 2 (transfer student, anthropology)

7 - Sure; post them here and I'll take a look at them!...

Undergraduatekaylearner - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 27, 2008
"Asian Americans and the glass ceiling" - Prompt #1 UC APPL

4 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included some general suggestions also:...

Undergraduateswt_babiigrl - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
'my grades did not meet my standards' - University of California PROMPT #2

3 - Thank you lots for helping me with the editing :)...

Undergraduatekids_jessy - Nov 24, 2008 / kids_jessy - Nov 24, 2008
"Been a student, but not a teacher" -Common app short question 156 to 150

5 - You're very welcome. I do think the second one is a more appropriate response; it acknowledges the prompt...

Undergraduateluv4evr - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
"I learnt to be positive" - UC prompt

2 - Good evening :) I think this is a great topic and answers the prompt very well. You describe...

UndergraduateAkvsp - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
"a spiritual change to impact others" - UC Prompt 2

3 - Thank you very much....

Undergraduatesome1uknown - Nov 24, 2008 / some1uknown - Nov 26, 2008
UC prompt 2, how a friend went missing, changed my life

NEW - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this...

Undergraduatejoycewrice - Nov 24, 2008 / — -
UC essay prompts 1&2- "The Jaws of Life" Any Critique would be appreciated!

4 - Good afternoon :) I don't think that it is too personal; there is a difference between the familiarity...

Undergraduatejojomover - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 25, 2008
essay for the Pratt (plesase revise the grammar)

2 - Good afternoon :) I have corrected the first piece of your essay and included some general suggestions: ...

Undergraduatesaemilee517 - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
'Class volunteer leaders' - Essay-elaborate one of your activities

NEW - The Common Application Short Answer elaborate one of your activities(extracurricular, personal experience, or work experience)(150words or fewer) plz...

Undergraduatehallelujah - Nov 24, 2008 / — -
"young teenagers" - UC prompt 1- does this work?

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited one section of your piece and then given some general comments as...

Undergraduatemathfun1227 - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
"my fervor for math grows" - UC personal statement. Promt #1

NEW - Hi, Gloria and other fellow proof readers. I really thank you all for saving people's lives here. As for...

Undergraduatet0mmypark - Nov 24, 2008 / — -
"I am the youngest of eight children" - Prompt 1 essay Help in title

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and also included some general comments:...

Undergraduatejrod91 - Nov 24, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
'family of teachers'; how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

2 - Hi tonydengcnu, I'd make the opening more concise: I was born to a family of teachers; my...

Undergraduatetonydengcnu - Nov 23, 2008 / trinilissabee - Dec 9, 2008
UIUC essay - Child Education Work

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included some general comments: ...

UndergraduateAkvsp - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
"Visiting Vietnam in the summer of 200" - UC PROMPTS

NEW - Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how...

Undergraduatemike0oh - Nov 23, 2008 / — -
The importance of the attachment in infancy - Short question...

6 - Thanks Kevin, I'm surprised and so proud of myself (: It was a wonderful help!...

Undergraduateapramone - Nov 23, 2008 / apramone - Dec 3, 2008
"born in Salinas, California" - application essay

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and made some general comments as...

Undergraduatemember123 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
A stem cell and genetic biologist - UC prompt 1

4 - Thank you dasani, and thank you Gloria once again....

UndergraduateTosyl1051 - Nov 23, 2008 / Tosyl1051 - Nov 26, 2008
"The special interest group"; what do you think? - considering civil engineer B.S

12 - Thank you so much (:...

UndergraduateFYI - Nov 23, 2008 / FYI - Nov 27, 2008
Mechanics a Great Experience

2 - Good afternoon :) Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and." In...

Undergraduatejrod91 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
"I have volunteered at our neighborhood's public library" - UC prompt 1

2 - Good afternoon :) Make sure that you don't begin your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so,"...

Undergraduategora2867 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
'academic strenght and research opportunities' Why decide to apply - emory supplement

2 - Good afternoon :) I think this is a great response to the prompt. You explain very well why...

Undergraduatevolleyball09 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
A time when you tried something for which you had no talent. Essay.

4 - Good afternoon :) I just ran your piece through both Mozilla and Word, and they both picked up...

UndergraduateAkvsp - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
UNC essay - the result of my curiosity

4 - Ah, I didn't catch it the first time! Thanks! I think this is a great answer to the...

UndergraduateAkvsp - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
"I was the only Latin American student," common app- significant experience

NEW - hi i will like some comment and help with his essay it says min 250 words and i have...

Undergraduateestefa227 - Nov 23, 2008 / — -
my first intro to chemistry class - UM Major

3 - yea sorry i forgot to answer what exactly i wanted advice on but I just wanted to know if...

Undergraduatemihirmj - Nov 23, 2008 / mihirmj - Nov 24, 2008
"Gained social, intellectual, or cultural differences" - UM Diversity

4 - You're very welcome. The content looks good to me; you answer the prompt and it is easy to read....

Undergraduatemihirmj - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 24, 2008
"the day I first came to America" - admission essay

2 - Good afternoon :) First, some mechanical suggestions. Make sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences...

Undergraduateskjw25 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
A CULT and YOUTH?- UC Essay Prompt #1. revise.

7 - I was repeatedly taught that I did was not affiliated with any particular "religion" but to a "method" by...

Undergraduatenunya415 - Nov 23, 2008 / EF_Kevin - Dec 23, 2008
"the school varsity tennis team" - Prompt #2

7 - I feel like focusing on the tennis team is a good idea, but your not describing how you've applied...

UndergraduateFatalKid91 - Nov 23, 2008 / shahindian2009 - Dec 13, 2008
Resilience and Confucian proverb

3 - Good evening :) OK, let's see. How about, "When I was six, I curiously pressed a key on...

Undergraduaterainyxoxo - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
'volunteering at local schools' - UC prompt#2 - Helping people

2 - Good evening :) I think you've got really good content here; you describe what experience/event you are proud...

Undergraduatemember123 - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
"What Men Live by?" - Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels

4 - Thank you so much!!! by the way are you still working at this late night?.. I feel bad..:( ...

Undergraduateskjw25 - Nov 22, 2008 / skjw25 - Nov 23, 2008
'one cannot do everything, one can do something' - UT Austin- issue of importance

2 - Good evening :) This is a wonderful essay! I only have a couple of suggestions: "...in 9th...

UndergraduateJamandaJuice - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
"Catia - My role model" - Opinion... Admission Essay

6 - i think you should make the first few sentences more interesting; say something that will grab the readers attention...however...

Undergraduateapramone - Nov 22, 2008 / trinilissabee - Dec 9, 2008
"Linked to my grandfather's presence" -UC prompt 1

2 - I think this is a great piece, especially that first paragraph. You acknowledge and answer every facet of the...

Undergraduatesurfsandiego - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
"The person, my grandpa" - UC prompt #2

2 - Good evening :) Since you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have made some...

Undergraduatelyndn21 - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
"I think Florida State is perfect" - FSU essay

2 - I think your content is a great answer to the prompt. You take each character trait and evaluate and...

Undergraduatealexanderstodda - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 23, 2008
questions on UC personal statement

2 - Good evening :) I think that answering an essay prompt with a complete sentence to begin with is...

Undergraduateskjw25 - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 22, 2008
"There is one who leads and there is one who follows." - admission essay

4 - I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the university or their admissions procedures and requirements. Can you post the prompt...

Undergraduatektjhmj - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 22, 2008
"Music is discipline" - Prompt #2 uc essay

3 - Thank you for taking time to read over my essay!...

Undergraduatehsgrad09 - Nov 22, 2008 / hsgrad09 - Nov 24, 2008
"I had to reach the finish line." - Help with Prompt 2

2 - Good evening :) I think you've got a good start here, but the focus is in the wrong...

Undergraduatelilibeth91760 - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 22, 2008
I have already previewed life at Penn State and absolutely loved it - summer experience

4 - I think once you've done the mechanical/grammatical polishing, it will be a great piece. Take a deep breath and...

Undergraduateeleankel - Nov 22, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 22, 2008

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