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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 435)

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"in today's world values & goals are a must" FSU essay Vires, Artes, Mores

2 - Good evening. My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid...

Undergraduatealexispaige - Oct 12, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
Career goals and importance of college education in attaining them

12 - To Kevin- Thank you so much your advice will help me make my essay more consistent and organized. To...

Undergraduate4ever2bleed - Oct 12, 2008 / 4ever2bleed - Feb 15, 2009
"I had a rough start to my high school career" - FSU Essay

3 - Thanks what you said it really helps alot...

UndergraduateJCox2009 - Oct 12, 2008 / JCox2009 - Oct 12, 2008
For Conell, intellectual interests, their evolution

2 - Good evening. My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good response, but I am afraid...

Undergraduatemickeygirl - Oct 12, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
University of Pennsylvania courses / characteristics

6 - Great point! Regards, Gloria Moderator, EssayForum.com...

Undergraduatezhangyi - Oct 12, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 13, 2008
Essay supporting an issue about which you are particularly passionate.

6 - You have some great ideas in it, but I would suggest trying to focus on just one event, just...

Undergraduatemickeygirl - Oct 12, 2008 / cubs72191 - Oct 13, 2008
Strenght, football team - FSU Admissions Essay (Suggestions?)

5 - Yeah, I have been known to abuse commas. I've added a couple things to it and I think it's...

Undergraduateiambubbathedog - Oct 12, 2008 / iambubbathedog - Oct 12, 2008
A person's values - FSU admisions essay; Vires symbolizes a variety of strengths

3 - Good morning. I agree with the above comment, and have a few others as well: Make sure...

Undergraduatedurr135 - Oct 12, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
Still Part of the Team - I need my essay to be cut for Temple University!

2 - Good morning. Here are my changes; they get you down to 399 words, without the title: I...

Undergraduatepjoseph09 - Oct 11, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
Family history + my qualities or unique traits - UCF Admission Essay

2 - Good morning. A few things: first, the list of characteristics is a bit ostentatious; shorten it up a...

Undergraduatenayr - Oct 11, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
"...today's world with the turmoil" - FSU ADMISSION ESSAY

2 - Good morning. Your introduction needs a little bit of work as it has a couple run-on sentences in...

Undergraduatenayr - Oct 11, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 12, 2008
"Circle of Love" - Univ of Florida admission essay review on a meaningful event, experience ...

2 - Good evening. I only have one comment: "...enjoyed the day's festivities; for a brief moment, I was..."...

Undergraduatenayr - Oct 11, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 11, 2008
Unique characteristics - ability to mentor new students and to tutor underclass-men

5 - One suggestion that I had was that rather than list your accomplishments and say that they made you a...

Undergraduateshinoda10920 - Oct 11, 2008 / cubs72191 - Oct 13, 2008
UCF: "How has family/culture influenced who you are?

NEW - Work in progress, just wrote this from scratch. I'm having some trouble with word choice though, and on how...

UndergraduateSweed - Oct 11, 2008 / — -
The courses of study and the unique characteristics - Upenn essay

4 - Sorry I gotta do this but I gotta break it to you. It's too long. I checked it and...

Undergraduatewongxy - Oct 11, 2008 / stimpsimp - Dec 18, 2008
"many different points of view" - UR promt 2

NEW - Rochester students represent many different points of view. Each student constructs an independent study and research plan. Describe what...

Undergraduatejunma314 - Oct 10, 2008 / — -
How I can enhance the community around me? - UCF ESSAY

3 - Thank You so much and yes that was the one that I was responding to...

UndergraduateCydiona - Oct 10, 2008 / Cydiona - Oct 12, 2008
"...this power exists" - FSU essay on three famous Latin words

2 - Great response to the prompt; a few mechanical errors, but overall a strong essay. Nice opening and conclusion; the...

Undergraduatefloridagirl - Oct 10, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 11, 2008
For UR, what makes you a good fit? Give suggetions for my work.

4 - I suggest that you definitely include the publication information (at least one source) and remove any "filler" from the...

Undergraduatejunma314 - Oct 10, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 11, 2008
Upenn short question - "explain why"?

2 - In regards to the prompt, it seems like they want you to name a specific professor that you want...

Undergraduatewongxy - Oct 10, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 10, 2008
An experience through which you have gained respect for you differencies.

2 - Good afternoon. The middle paragraph seems a bit too stiff for my liking; how about softening it? Something...

Undergraduateelthano - Oct 10, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 10, 2008
What led you to choose the area of academic interest you chose?

2 - Your content provides a good reply to the prompt, but your mechanics need some work. I suggest a refresher...

Undergraduateelthano - Oct 10, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 10, 2008
"Life can be full of many obstacle and surprises" - Admission essay

5 - Ok, thanks a lot for your help! I appreciate your time and effort....

UndergraduateSammy - Oct 9, 2008 / Sammy - Oct 10, 2008
FSU essay: "Vires", has been forefront in my life

2 - Just a general comment: perhaps refreshing yourself with the rules of comma usage could benefit you; you seem to...

Undergraduatebailey - Oct 9, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 9, 2008
personal history - FSU to get accepted in college

2 - I'm not sure what the prompt is, so I am not sure how you would like me to proceed....

Undergraduatelecokr - Oct 9, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 9, 2008
Luncheon to honor the winners of the Boca Delray Music Society - UF

NEW - Any feedback is appreciated. I have a concern with my middle section. I'd like to make the middle...

Undergraduatesimpleterms - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
"I thought long and hard about where to spend 4 years" - UCF Essays

4 - You're very welcome, and thank you for the encouragement! Regards, Gloria Moderator, EssayForum.com...

Undergraduatehockeyplyr1034 - Oct 9, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 11, 2008
"Wings of Wax" - Emerson College Admissions Essay

NEW - We understand that the college application process often feels stressful, when it should be an opportunity for self-reflection. Stop...

UndergraduateBostonbound - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
"I have played piano" - Chopin's Second Ballade

6 - Thanks!...

Undergraduatepianolegend91 - Oct 9, 2008 / pianolegend91 - Oct 16, 2008
"... becoming Superman" - FSU Essay..last one I promise

NEW - And last but not least the FSU essay. Like before, all help most appreciated. Thank you! As a...

Undergraduatebeckerb33 - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
passion for a particular subject or a cause Univerity of Delaware APP essay

NEW - Have you discovered your passion for a particular subject or a cause? I walked into the exhibit early,...

Undergraduateoxomelissaoxo91 - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
"I've been a musician for eight years.." - FSU admission essay

6 - i decided to just delete the last part. "along with the help of my role models: my band director,...

Undergraduateliljay9083 - Oct 9, 2008 / liljay9083 - Oct 11, 2008
"million thoughts to pressure me" - FSU essay intro comments/suggestions

2 - That's cool you're a Christian too! I'm applying to FSU as well. It's my top choice. :) That's so...

Undergraduatepilla2008 - Oct 9, 2008 / beccaboo3290 - Oct 9, 2008
"...constant fighting of my parents" - UCF essay number two

NEW - This is my second UCF essay on How my family history, culture or environment influenced me. As before, please...

Undergraduatebeckerb33 - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
Your activities - common app personal statement - 3 to choose from

NEW - In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words...

UndergraduateBD26 - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
"My mother's diagnosis" - admission essay --Vires

NEW - The Florida State University motto "Vires, Artes, Mores" focuses on strength, the arts, and tradition. Each of these values...

Undergraduatehannah45 - Oct 9, 2008 / — -
'Summers with senior citizens' - common app short essay - volunteering

3 - your essay is just fake. I have heard of this story many times, and this just won't work. ...

Undergraduatecaliforniagirl - Oct 8, 2008 / joseph0807 - Dec 28, 2008
My moral strength: parents and my Catholic education -FSU application essay

3 - Thanks so much for your feedback. I really appreicate it!...

Undergraduatepencil - Oct 8, 2008 / pencil - Oct 8, 2008
ARTISTIC TALENT; UCF- Unique characteristics and qualities

2 - Good evening. The beginning is difficult because right now it is confusing; it does not match up with...

Undergraduatehicckups - Oct 8, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 8, 2008
"Vires, Artes, Mores" each been reflected in my life ; Froeign student from Brazil

NEW - The Latin words "Vires, Artes, Mores" have each been reflected in my life in some way or another. These...

Undergraduatelecokr - Oct 8, 2008 / — -
Describe a setback that you have faced (brother) - essay

7 - beccaboo3290's tips are excellent! Good job guys! The main thing about formality in academic writing is to stay...

Undergraduateelthano - Oct 8, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 9, 2008
Live a life that is pleasing to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, FSU essay

5 - wow like your essay a lot good ideas, nice flow good luck...

Undergraduatebeccaboo3290 - Oct 8, 2008 / pilla2008 - Oct 10, 2008
Education superiority,Cultural variety,Lively student life, Location; Why Lehigh U?

NEW - Question: As you researches and visited colleges and universitys, why did you decided to apply to Lehigh? Please give...

Undergraduatejunma314 - Oct 8, 2008 / — -
"swimming season" - FSU vires and mores

4 - You could add a couple of lines regarding this to the middle of the essay, but I would not...

Undergraduatemeganwhitehurst - Oct 7, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 8, 2008
"I'm mentally ready" - FSU ESSAY HELP

4 - I think this is a good response to the prompt; you may not be happy with it because you've...

Undergraduate4ever2bleed - Oct 7, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 11, 2008
"Bump in the road" for UCF

NEW - I was hoping you could look over this and tell me what you think, as well as making and...

Undergraduatebeckerb33 - Oct 7, 2008 / — -
UCF - Unique characteristic (perseverance and dedication)

3 - Thank you very much!...

Undergraduatelexoticstylez02 - Oct 7, 2008 / lexoticstylez02 - Oct 7, 2008
UCF essay - "the beautiful pieces of art set up around me"

2 - Good afternoon. You have a very organized, well written essay here. Your paragraphs are properly structured, you use...

Undergraduatemegan1407 - Oct 7, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 7, 2008
"Left Mom and Dad in China for California" - good for Common App topic 1?

NEW - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on...

Undergraduatejunma314 - Oct 7, 2008 / — -
"The world I was headed for is more important" - admission essay

NEW - Describe the environment you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and how this environment...

Undergraduatejunma314 - Oct 7, 2008 / — -
"One more shot" - common application short question (150 words)

NEW - "One more shot. Just gimme another shot. Don't give up!" "Yes!" We win the game. Here I stood in...

Undergraduateendagu222 - Oct 7, 2008 / — -
UC ADMISSION ESSAY: YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK

2 - Thank You for fixing the grammatical errors. "hoping to find something closure" At first, I was trying to make...

Undergraduatealexteele - Oct 6, 2008 / alexteele - Oct 7, 2008
"The Treble and the Bass" - No prompt, just me rambling

6 - I think it would be a good thing to hand in as an extra; I don't think it's appropriate...

UndergraduateJustJoshinbyJ - Oct 6, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 8, 2008
3 Admissions Paragraphy Essay - career goals, education

3 - I rewrote it... My goal is to obtain an enjoyable career in which I cannot only express my...

Undergraduatemelaniesucks - Oct 6, 2008 / melaniesucks - Jan 12, 2009
UF Essay - The Place I Adore

2 - ...lugar! (I will never go back to that place!)" ...Oaks Middle school that I... ...language, customs, traditions,...

Undergraduatecarompapale1 - Oct 6, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 7, 2008
'Continuing to excel' - FSU Essay - Vires

2 - It looks like it answers the prompt efficiently. I would use the Latin word you wrote about in the...

Undergraduatetrewton - Oct 6, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 7, 2008
my part in giving back and bettering the society - Proofreading and Advice

NEW - UF Admission Essay. Here's the prompt Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how...

Undergraduatemikeg12 - Oct 6, 2008 / — -
College application -brainstorming- advice

3 - Thank you very much for you help :) i will follow those suggestions and then submit it so i...

Undergraduatelilfred333 - Oct 6, 2008 / lilfred333 - Oct 7, 2008
Defining moments in people's lives - uc admissions essay

2 - Nice job; a good example and a great answer to the prompt. The essay flows well, good transitions are...

Undergraduatelaurenkill - Oct 5, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Oct 6, 2008
Cross-country / Nano Research Facility - one of your activities Help

NEW - In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words...

Undergraduateprivater_ryan - Oct 5, 2008 / — -

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