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('she is amongst the well-endowed people') LOR from the employer

Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 4, 2011   #1
Hi all and Kevin.It has been so long,since I visited Essay forum.
last time I came up with a letter of recommendation from my employer and you suggested me some modifications.
"Now, it there anything you can add to this that will make it seem like you really are exactly the right person for this scholarship? What would you be looking for if you were the reader? Would it be some mention of ...um... maybe a story! I think a compelling anecdote could show that she is an inspired professional whose potential is still unrealized because of difficult circumstances. A paragraph-long anecdote could help a lot to win the reader over...


That is why I say the first para was ineffective. It had nothing original... just ordinary letter of rec. stuff.

As of now, I still look at the first paragraph, and I want a key word added to it. I challenge you to use the word "atmosphere" in the last sentence of the first paragraph. If you do not like how it comes out, try the word "creativity."

The point is to add a jewel to the center of the lotus... to add a magic word that fills the reader's mind as she skims the first paragraph".

Now I am here again,with a modified draft,hope this one gets a green signal soon...

It is with great pleasure and enthusiasm that I am writing this letter of recommendation to endorse Ms. ABC application to your University. I hope my perspective will be helpful to you to evaluate this promising candidate.

I've known her for twenty months. ABC is an industrious employee, who executed her responsibilities in a consistent and thorough and manner. She believes in doing the tasks effectively in the first instance itself, and has a strong conviction towards hard work supported by sincere and responsible approach.

She comes from a very respectable family and possesses high moral values. Having gone through many tough times during her studies, she knows the value of capital. I was impressed by her altruistic attitude evident by her work as mess incharge of the girl's hostel. She made a well planned food budget, which was economical as far as monetary aspect was concerned ,due to which not only the college but also the hosteller girls especially those who had financially strained lifestyle got benefitted.

With the passage of time, another quality I noticed in her is accessibility. She possesses excellent inter-personal and communication skills that help her in getting along with her seniors, peers and juniors, even with unlettered workers, with equal ease. She is among the most popular employees and almost speaks to everyone with outmost ease, thus endorsing her with one of the very important traits of being a good leader. On the social front she was actively involved in various departmental and college functions like seminars, debates, presentations and social campaigns, where she proved to be a very reliable team member and an effective leader, giving her best and getting the full co-operation of others.

She is an ambitious person and has made the necessary investment of time and effort to learn more about her educational options. I am sure she will perform very well in varied situations. Her enthusiasm and diligence for learning are her plus points .She has a positive mindset and is always on a look out for new challenges to turn them into opportunities. Her systematic approach to problems makes her come out with variety of innovative solutions within the stipulated time.

I do wish to express my conviction that she is amongst the well-endowed people, whom I have come across in the past many years. I endorse her candidacy with full confidence. I am sure she would benefit from a graduate program from your prestigious university. Please don't hesitate to contact me, if you need any further information.

Hope to get your reply soon. :-)
OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 5, 2011   #2
Somebody please check my LOR and suggest me some changes (if reqd.)
Please guys help me soon...
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Oct 6, 2011   #3
I hope my perspective will be helpful to you in evaluating this promising candidate.

ABC is an industrious employee, who has executed her responsibilities in a consistent and thorough and manner.

I do wish to express my conviction that she is amongst the well-endowed ---This is not the right use of 'well endowed'! Well endowed usually means big breasts, when you're talking about a woman!--- people, whom I have come across in the past many years.

OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 10, 2011   #4
Dear Susan...
Thanks a lot for replying me,however I am doubtful in some regards like:-

Is the usage of word MESS correct,as in India we call the food court as mess..like if we have the hostel (private/in campus) then usually there are also mess facilities provided. which is a place provided to dine. but I think that this word is known in some different sense..may be SHABBY!!

also I didnt understand what you want me to do in last sentence..as far as the word WELL-ENDOWDED is concerned...
Do u want me to replace it by some other suitable adjective??

and else and except these changes is there anything which need to be omitted or modified???

Do tell me!!

OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 12, 2011   #5
Please guys help me out,as I have to get this one signed by my employer, as he is leaving the institute,so considering the exigencies reply soon.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 13, 2011   #6
Hi Ankita -- your writing is good enough !!

Its possible that you've lifted these nice sounding phrases from other LORs, because that's what they are: nicely rounded phrases. After reading them one is likely to say: are they really about her.. how can I know that for sure? !

What comes through, is your enthusiasm, even if it is in the trouble you took putting all this together.

On a different note -- how much should you even be concerned about getting this perfect? What is your benchmark? It could either be english-perfect OR it could put across perfectly who you are. I think, not saying it like a native english speaker is not always a weakness. Because, you're trying to put across something in your mind which is quite different. It is of a nature of experience, that cannot be had in an english-speaking country. The cultural "atmosphere" you experience in is of a different quality, and you best convey it in exactly the words coming to your mind, those you put it all down in -- broken grammar though it might be. It is you who is stretching as much towards the person evaluating your work. Do not stretch so much that it isn't even what you would have liked to have said.
OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 14, 2011   #7
@ Rajiv: Thanks for your comments. but I want to say that even though I referred some LORs but this one was not only made by me but also my refree was involved. He suggested some points (that are absolutely true) , which he wanted me to elaborate. I just acted upon his advice. But as of now, I am in a dilemma as what you said was like I must make it simple not exaggerated one. last time Kevin suggested me to write an compelling anecdote,something which still remains indelible in the mind of the reader even if he/she skims the draft. I did the same,that too a true story.

Now what exactly do you want me to do? Kindly let me know.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 15, 2011   #8
I'm going to try and explain the main point I wished you to understand with the help of an example:

If you use 'copy and paste' function enough in Word you'll notice an icon which appears near the text you've pasted. Expanding this you'll see it gives you choices, whether you want to preserve 'source' formatting or want the copied material to be changed to 'destination' formatting. Seems to be no biggie unless you are working on something fairly large and you use this 'copy and paste' function frequently between two documents which are formatted differently.

You make a choice -- 'source formatting' or 'destination formatting' -- but do you realize that you choose from a set of possible and different contexts of what is best.

Reading your LOR above I could not tell: are you transferring from a college in India to a school in US or another English speaking country, or were you tranferring from a school to a work-place, or a work-place to another work-place; is the latter in an English speaking country -- meaning your evaluator will be a native speaker of English.

You said most of what is mentioned in your LOR is correct; so what remains is the impact your language alone will make. Here's where I wished you to appreciate that an astute reader will find too many, all too perfect expressions suspect; and if the reader is learned as well about other cultures, he or she will have a good sense of English as it is written by Indians; I mean grammatically correct English, but yet different from how native speakers, or other cultures would use it.

Example: in India the 'well-endowed' term is common and good usage. Mostly as: well endowed with talent.

But as Susan pointed, in US it means big-breasted. I think this is a specialized use of the term to US, maybe other English-speaking countries picked it up. But should an evaluator take this amiss .. I wonder. You want to play safe, go for the 'destination formatting'. You want to impress the reader with who you are then be yourself, make an impact !!
p177 2 / 4  
Oct 15, 2011   #9
in evaluating
which was evident
She created
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 18, 2011   #10
Are you just a hard driven, gritty girl out to succeed because you haven't had the opportunities that 'privileged' people have? And believe you've been held down not just by your personal circumstances but also because you're of the feminine class?

And you also believe the world is there for you to take whatever you can from, provided you break no laws?

If you've heard yourself described as this anytime - I suggest you slow down !!

Happiness is a fragile thing you don't necessarily get by succeeding; much as you might now believe it is so !!

That's my impression on reading your original LOR
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 19, 2011   #11
Hey! I'm sure I too was given this same advice when I was in shoes such as you are in now. Did I care to listen -- you bet not !!!

Go ahead, do what you believe in, and good luck.
OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 20, 2011   #12
@ Rajiv: I am a docile person. and your valuable suggestions are always welcome, even if they appeared to me perplexing initially.. but then you nicely quoted a pragmatic example to let me understand.

Kevin had suggested me to "to add a jewel to the center of the lotus... " Well here I found a lotus (RAJIV) helping me out to place jewels" :)

I hope I ll be getting your perusal, for my other drafts (still in nascent stage ) also.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 21, 2011   #13
The only docile leader I can think of was Mahatma Gandhi ! Glad to help you Ankita, you have an engaging way !!
OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 26, 2011   #14
Hi..happy Diwali.. With this note of diwali greetings I am here by pasting one more LOR for your perusal.. Hope to get signal soon.

I am extremely pleased to recommend XYZ for pursuing her Master's study. A student of my college, I have known her very well during her graduate study, and appreciate her dedication, sincerity and discipline. She has scored a First Class with distinction in Bachelor of Engineering (Electronics) and has made both her College and Department proud, topping in the "ABC" subject in the department

I fondly remember her extracurricular involvement, where she has demonstrated leadership qualities, organization skills, and team work in most co-curricular activities and events held in college in various committees and in various capacities. The enriching experience which she gained during the years of her undergraduate education have stamped astounding imprints on her academic and non-scholastic career, and have made her confident enough to carry forward this spirit in her future with full determination.

I was the chairman of anti ragging committee of the college and she was an active member of the same. During this association, I got several chances to observe her closely. She took conscientious efforts to keep a check on such menace by counseling the students and bringing the bullies to book. Further, I admire her skills in communication, oration and noteworthy helpful nature, which made her quite popular among her batchmates and juniors. She helped needy students who had difficulties in their subjects by tutoring them for free during her college days.

I have strongly advised her to pursue a masters' degree and would be honored by your University accepting XYZ for her study preferably with some financial aid, thereby providing her both the opportunity & motivation to reach greater heights. And I assure you that she deserves to be offered the esteemed scholarship
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Oct 26, 2011   #15
Happy Diwali to you Ankita ! Should you not post this new LOR in an independent thread so you invite comments from all readers? I'll give my inputs as well, in a day or so.
OP Ankita 4 / 28  
Oct 28, 2011   #16
hi Rajiv..well I thought that this particular thread is for the LOR's so pasted the second one also here and as far as inviting others for their comments is concerned..everyone is welcome..and when anyone posts a message in a thread..that thread comes up in the stack and the visitors can visualize it and also jot down their opinions.

anyways if you want me to open a new thread I ll do the same (as already stated I am a docile person ;))
and thanks for your modifications. :)

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