Subject: appeal to a University of California (UC)
EDIT: Just noticed that there is no private message system. so here it is
To Whom It May Concern,
Education is extremely important to me because it gives me an opportunity to
discover more about myself and to pursue a career. I seek higher learning at your university because I want to take advantage of my potential to have an intimate relationship with knowledge, challenge myself to the vast opportunities that you offer, enhance the awareness and leadership of the world and community, and receive the opportunity to be under the guidance of your knowledgeable and accomplished professors.
During the first three years of high school, I could not focus on my schoolwork very well. It hurt me to see that my family could not get along with each other. Each day, I would come home from school hearing disputes among my family members. My mother would become angered by every little thing, such as spilling water on the floor or taking a shower a bit late. She could not hold her temper and was constantly yelling. My family began to tear apart when my mom found out that my dad was cheating on her. For a long time, she could no longer trust him and even wanted a divorce. Sometimes, I could hear her crying late in the night and my heart would be absolutely broken. It was these troubles that lingered in my mind and caused great stress for me. Whenever I tried to focus on studying, stress would accumulate and I would not be able to concentrate.
In addition to the current state of the economy, my past experiences, including rejection from all the UC's I applied to, has opened my eyes and mind and matured me as a person. This has helped me to realize the importance of education as well as to imprint lifelong lessons. It was time to regain control of my focus in school by overcoming the stress in my mind to form healthy studying habits. A teacher told me "Be positive and good things will happen to you." I took that advice and conquered stress by throwing away my negative thoughts. With self-discipline and refusal to let setbacks run the course of my life, I am now able to control the troubling thoughts in my mind and study for school. Since then, my grades have tremendously improved, along with my passion for learning.
As a goal-oriented person, I can prove that I am able to handle any work necessary to attain my Bachelor's and Master's degree. I plan to achieve this goal by carefully managing my time to study and go beyond the boundary. Please give me the chance to make my education count at your institute and the opportunity to give back to your institute.
"I want to take advantage of my potential to have an intimate relationship with knowledge, challenge myself to the vast opportunities that you offer, enhancing the awareness and leadership of the world and community, and receiving the opportunity to be under the guidance of the knowledgeable and accomplished professors." Revise for parallel structure.
"All my past experiences, the economy's current state, and in addition rejection from all the UCs I applied to has opened my eyes and mind and matured me as a person and helped me realize the importance of education as well as imprinting life-long lessons." The three items you list here seem unrelated. Also, you need to revise for parallel structure, as in the above case. If you don't know what parallel structure is, or how to revise for it, Google the term.
Overall, a very honest and moving essay. Good job. You might want to go through and eliminate the reference to games, though. The stress you were under because of your family situation is enough on its own to explain a prior record of poor academic performance. While games can be very addictive (as numerous studies have shown), they still aren't taken that seriously as problem by many. So, mentioning them might detract from the gravity of the rest of the material you describe.
I seek higher learning at your university because I want to take advantage of my potential to have an intimate relationship with knowledge, challenge myself to the vast opportunities that you offer, enhance the awareness and leadership of the world and community, and receive the opportunity to be under the guidance of the knowledgeable and accomplished professors.
that is some great advice from Sean. I would add that the first sentence is pretty boring/obvious, and maybe you could come up with a really inspired first sentence to replace it with. It will also be good if you can spend a sentence or two telling about your specific plans for entering a field that you have chosen in your own unique way -- to really make them take you seriously and remember this essay.
yeah i took his advice but unfortunately mailed it in before i could get the advice about the first sentence. hope its not too bad. what do you think
Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to your reevaluation.
In addition to the current state of the economy, m My past experiences, ...
I would get rid of the mention of the economy there. This letter will be successful, I think! Let us know how it goes. It is obviously thoughtful and sincere. If it does not work out, the next thing to do is spend 6 months accomplishing something impressive that you can write about in your next letter like this. Maybe you will end up being a rich entrepreneur in the process. If they reject this one, maybe you will need to go to a different school for a year and get excellent grades?
thanks for the feedback and support ill post back when i receive the results
I hope you get to do what you want to do! If you have a clear vision of what you want to do, you'll succeed!
