Your letter has numerous grammar mistakes: Poor usage of articles, punctuation within a clause, improper formatting, wordiness, spelling, verb agreement and massive usage of colloquial speech. I have attached the corrected form, but i have highlighted the last line of your letter because i could not make out what you meant.
My name is Lillian, born on 02 July 1993. In 2010, I joined North College of the Beijing University of Chemical Technology, majored in Financial Management and graduated in July 2014. I worked very hard studying financial foundation knowledge in school. I would like to get greater academic achievement through pursuing accounting and financial knowledge.
I chose New Zealand, not only for its beauty, but also because of its advanced education system. Chinese traditional education system and way of thinking varies greatly from the overseas' system, which is bigger and more challenging, but am willing to learn more about the advanced knowledge, increase my proficiency in English and quickly adapt to the new environment.
Massey University is among the biggest universities in New Zealand and scores successes in Business. I was delighted to have been admitted as a postgraduate student in Accounting &Finance in Massey University. As Massey University's motto: the implantation to infinity. I will cherish this opportunity of study in Massey University and work so hard during my two years abroad study; provide a valuable basis for my return to work even further.
Before I made this decision, I discussed this matter with my family. I have total support from my parents. This made me more certain of my decision. I plan to study the following:
1) I will master English in less time, and adapt to local cultures, provide the basis for two years postgraduate study.
2) Study Accounting& Finance very conscientiously, since it is my favorite subject. I intend to finish the study smoothly within two years.
3) Once I finish my study and go back to my home country, I will find a right position in the accounting field. I will use finance knowledge that I will have acquired from the New Zealand to achieve my dreams.
I believe that a study in New Zealand will be a fruitful stage of my life. I will finish my postgraduate study and comeback and get a good further.
