Doctoral Program at Birmingham Website Application - Letter to supervisor candidate

Dear all, please give me any corrections or suggestions......

candidate professor in the university - letter contact

Dear Professor,

Excuse me, I do apologize if I less polite to contact Professor by this mail, let me introduce myself, my name is Ahmad Maulin Naufa, I was graduated from Master of Science (Financial Major), Faculty of Economics and Business, Universitas Gadjah Mada, Indonesia.

I am applying Doctoral Program at Birmingham Website Application. Beside that, I supposed that I have to contact candidate professor in the university in order to discuss research proposal if you may interest, then I see Professor with an advanced financial knowledge particularly the stock market. I do interested in your publications in several top tier journals.

Therefore, I would like to enhance my previous research (Indonesia evidence becomes ASEAN countries), related with ownership but specifically in foreign ownership. By the title "Comparing foreign ownership on the stock, volatility return, volume, and risk of stock among ASEAN countries", I believed that you are the best Professor who could help me to conduct my research and study there. May I ask you to be candidate Professor, at least give me any suggestions? I do hope I could forward this email with my resume and proposal research.

Thank you

You have some grammatical errors like:

if I less polite to contact
I think you should just write "I apologize for my impoliteness..."

I was graduated
I graduated

Beside that
I do interested in your publication
...

Also, calling the professor "Professor" is really unnatural, you can just use "you".
Hope that you will be admitted!

Ahmad, I am not sure what the purpose of this letter is supposed to be. Can you enlighten me on the reason behind the letter? If I know what the letter is for, I think I will be able to help you clean up the language so that it will sound more fluid in English. Right now, this letter sounds like it passed through a very bad online translator. It needs a lot of work but I can't begin to advise you as to where to start because I don't have any idea what the concept of the letter has to be. Part of what puzzles me about this letter is, who is the professor? Why did you address this letter to him? What is he supposed to do for your application? If you can also clarify those points, I bet the essay can be edited to become more focused and more expressive towards your concern. I'll wait for the instructions for this letter before I delve into a deeper explanation of how to improve this letter.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I would like to pursue professor as supervisor candidate to continue my degree in Ph. D