"Education is my way of escape" - admissions letter

Dear Sir or Madam,
I would like to start off by saying that I am very humbled to even be considered for the application process.
My name is Yohana Tesfamariam, I was born and raised in Asmara- Eritrea where unity is the major tool to success. My country has been through a 30 years long armed struggle and received its independence in 1991. My parents were soldiers and they sacrificed their adolescence years to give e the ultimate gift, a country that I can call mine.

But as a third world country the only way to survive the struggle at home or in life was through education. Education is my way of escape because; I can do something with my life.

Growing up my mother used to work in a Hospital, as a result of spending a lot of time there I ended up making a promise that one day I would give back to my people by doing one thing, that was to introduce new medical technology to be introduced in order to improve the skills of the medical care. My country has lost any people already the least I could do is boost the medical technology in order to excel in the treatment of the citizens.

The main area that I would like to focus on in University is Biomedical Engineering. This field will allow me to fulfill my dreams of giving back to my people. Therefore as a head start of my carrier I have been in studying a Scottish school in Israel where, we learn by the British system. I have been in this school all my high school years and will be graduating in July 2011. Hence I have done my O levels and I a currently doing my A-levels.

The subjects that I take for my A-levels are: Math, Biology, Chemistry and Literature. I enjoy going to school and being able to absorb great knowledge because if I was in Eritrea I would be forced to follow the path that has been set for young girls which is, to get married at a young age and take care of the household. I refuse to live under the shadows of a man and by graduating and getting a degree from one of the top schools in the world, I will send the message that dreaming big and desiring education is not a waste of time.

Coming to Israel, I learned that there are many options in life and if you thrive for the best and never kneel down you can achieve the best. Because at the end of the day the only person that can get in my way is me.

Thank you very much for your time,
Yohana T.

years to give e ----me not e

But as a third world country ----need a comma after but

work in a Hospital----dont capitalize hospital

Therefore as a head start of my carrier I have been in studying a Scottish school in Israel where, we learn by the British system. -----change to-----Therefore as a head start of my carrier I have been in studying a Scottish school in Israel where, we learn by the British system.

Besides from correction from em2always, I think your essay should be OK
Good luck

My name is Yohana Tesfamariam, and I was born and ...

...the major tool for achieving success.

Do not capitalize hospital here:
Growing up my mother used to work in a Hos hospital, and as a result of spending a lot of ...

And let's use a colon:
time there I ended up making a promise that one day I would give back to my people by doing one thing: introduce new medical technology to be introduced in order to improve medi cal care.

:-)