Long time no see! Sarah.
This is my sixth writing exam practice. Please give me feedback.
Thanks in advance.
Question:
At an inter-class sporting event your team became involved in a dispute which led to an outbreak of fighting with the opposing team. You witnessed the entire incident and do not agree with your school principal's decision to expel two of your classmates.
Write a letter to the principal, Ms Lam, to explain how the fight arose and to ask for understanding and leniency with regard to your classmates' conduct. Suggest an alternative punishment and outline the most useful lesson students can draw from this experience. You can base the incident on any team sport with which you are familiar. Sign your letter 'Chris Wong'.
Dear Ms Lam,
I am one of your students from 7A. I heard the news about your decision to expel two of my classmates for fighting at the recent inter-class football match. As a witness of the entire incident, I would like to show my point of view to this, hoping you can take it into account and reconsider the punishment.
At the 7A verse 7B football match, I was audience, watching the match and cheering for the team of my class. All the players went to great lengths to score a goal. It caused many collisions. Trying mindlessly to take possession of the ball, an opponent badly hurt a 7A player. However, the referee gave no card to the player. It flared up pushes and shouts between the teams. Finally, it became unstoppable; John and Tom got into fight with the players of the 7B team.
John and Tom were wrong at the fighting. However, I think we should put ourselves into their shoes and understand why they behaved in that irresponsible way. Before anything else, the player of the opposing team badly hurt one of our players but showed no sign of regret. Plus the players are sweating and tiring; It would be easy for anyone losing their control, as we could see this kind of thing happens occasionally at professional football and even other games. Added to this, it is the last football match they would attend in our school; the dedication they would put into this match is understandable. They may take this game over-seriously and therefore act barbarously.
Besides, there are reasons compelling me to beg for your leniency for John and Tom. As we know, they are good students in their class. They never got a demerit before and always pay full attention in every lesson. And the results of their school tests and exams can prove their good-student nature. It is a loss for our school to expel good students just because of a single bad behavior. Also, expelling them before four months when they will take the infamously difficult A-level exam is too harsh. They would lose the chance to take the mock exams and return to school to seek help from teachers. Therefore, although the punishment per se may be appropriate, the infliction that the students suffered would be double.
I think it would be better to impose an alternative punishment. I would suggest keeping them at school for hours after school would be a productive one. On one hand, they would know that they must suffer the consequences of their conduct. On the other hand, it would not be detrimental to their study.
Although that unwelcome incident happened, students can learn a lesson from it. They would learn that barbarous actions are always unacceptable in a civilized place. No one should break this rule and resolve a problem by a fight. If they did it, they would suffer the consequences. Also, students would bear in mind that they should control they emotions in any case, otherwise, the result would be devastated.
To bring this letter to a close, I would like to beg for your understanding and leniency for John and Tom again. Please don't give up them!
Yours sincerely,
Chris Wong
Greetings!
Good to see you again! Here are my editing tips:
I would like to share my point of view on this
I was in the audience, watching the match and cheering for my classmates' team.
John and Tom got into a fight with the players of the 7B team.
John and Tom were wrong for fighting.
Plus, the players were sweaty and tired; it would be easy for anyone to lose control. We can see this kind of thing happens occasionally at professional football games and other types of games.
Also, expelling them four months before taking the infamously difficult A-level exam is too harsh.
I would suggest keeping them after school for several hours each week would be a productive one.
Also, students would bear in mind that they should control their emotions in any case; otherwise, the result would be devastating.
Please don't give up on them!
Good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
please make it more professional, this is one part of my out of class activities
As the captain, I led our major representative team to enter the 1/8 Final in the College Students Debate Contest organized by Northeastern University; also, I received the "Best Estimated Participant" title.
Well, writing is an art, and art is not professional.
How about this:
I led our major representative team to enter the 1/8 finals in Northeastern University's College Students Debate Contest. As captain of the team, I received the "Best Estimated Participant" title.
how about this?
leading our team to the 1/8 finals in Northeastern University's College Students Debate Contest. I received the "Best Estimated Participant" title as captain of the team/
Yes, that is beter. I like sentences with no comma! They are swift and forthright.
