Hi everyone! I saw how helpful you all arithmetic everyone else and I hope that you can do the same for me. After 10yrs out of school, I'm looking to return. However I did terrible I my first time around, basically registering for classes and not finishing because I had to work instead. In order to be admitting as a transfer student, I must have at least a culmative 2.0 GPA and well, that is not the case for me. I am submitting a letter along with my application in hopes to gain admission. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you!
Dear Admissions Committee Members,
My name is ___________. The purpose of this letter is to respectfully request transfer admission to your Borough of Manhattan Community College. I attended California State University, Fresno between Fall 2003-Spring 2007 and then Fresno City College from Fall 2007-Spring 2008. I feel that writing this letter is appropriate as I am fully aware of the overall 2.0 GPA requirement for transfer admission and I would be remiss if I did not address my poor undergraduate GPA.
The reason for my poor scholarship was an accumulation of life altering circumstances beginning with the deportation of my dad to Mexico. The incident literally traumatized me. Such a huge change was both disheartening and an incredible financial strain. My dad's absence left me alone trying to support myself academically and financially. My mother, who had been unemployed my entire life, had to find a source of income for our family of seven. I moved into on-campus housing at Fresno State and found a entry-level position working at University Courtyard, Fresno State's on-campus housing office to support myself.
Within my first year at University Courtyard I had been promoted several times, each time receiving a pay raise with more responsibilities requiring more time and effort on my end. With no help from family and no one to lean on for assistance, I engrossed myself with work, in turn causing an incredible academic strain.
After three years at University Courtyard, my supervisor resigned and I was selected to fill her role as an "interim" Assistant to the Director of Housing. This was a huge role for me to fill but I was the only other person in the housing office at the time that was experienced enough to handle the operations efficiently. This was supposed to be temporary until University Courtyard could find someone to fill the role permanently. Months passed and I found myself in the office as late as midnight preparing room assignments for the new freshman class, preparing agendas for weekly staff meetings and managing my front desk employee schedules; I was a full-time college student supervising 20+ other college students. At this point, I had focused so much on work that my studies took a backseat and were immensely affected. Soon there after, the Director of Housing also resigned. I took on whatever work I could but in the Spring of 2006, I literally hit a breaking point and could no longer handle the load I was trying to carry. Succumbing to the pressure, I called my mom to inform her that I was coming home. I broke the lease to my apartment and resigned from the University Courtyard the very same day.
Because I left Fresno State without notice, I received Unauthorized Withdrawals (WU) for all courses that I was enrolled in which led to academic dismissal. My previous supervisors from University Courtyard found out about this and, on my behalf, petitioned for Spring 2007 re-admittance and re-admission was granted.
I returned to Fresno State and found a new job only to find myself in a similar situation repeating the same cycle. I transferred to Fresno City College and worked at a local jewelry store answering phones and gift wrapping. After a few months, I was the head of our inventory department; a few months later I was also the head of our repairs department. At this point I figured I could succeed without a degree.
When I turned 25 I packed my bags and moved to New York because a jewelry store in Scarsdale, NY saw my resume and was willing to hire me as a sales associate and pay 2x the amount I was making. Fast forward to 2016, I've been in New York for six years and I am now managing the same store. With nearly nine years of experience in the same industry, reaching the top of my company and the lack of a bachelors degree, I find myself hitting a brick wall and only able to only make parallel moves.
I am now experiencing first-hand the importance of education. I know that I am a powerful asset to any company that I work for but the companies that I want to work for require a bachelors degree. I can no longer identify with the prioritization skills of my younger years and I firmly believe that my transcripts are not indicative of my current academic potential.
In preparation for resuming my studies, I will be letting go of my responsibilities at work and putting school first. I will also meet with an academic advisor throughout the year to help guide me in the right direction towards a 4-year college to complete my degree.
Hopefully you'll understand my frame of mind which lead to decisions of long ago.
Your time is gratefully appreciated in regards to this matter and I hope to hear good news from CUNY!
Regards,
_____________
(I am also including copies of the petition letters mentioned above)
Thank you again forum!
Hi Tina, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we appreciate your high regards to this forum and indeed, we strive hard to provide you with the most credible and accurate feedback in order for you to submit and even stronger project.
Now, as I go through your essay, I must say, your case is a very current happening, not only in the US but in most part of the world today. Education is one thing that you can be proud of, the good news is, acquiring a good education is never too late to anyone who is determined to learn and fulfill a lifelong dream.
Further to your essay, it is fairly written, though I have a few suggestions, please find them below;
- instead of using "Because", to begin your sentence, use " Due to the fact that..", I believe this is more appropriate and formal for the purpose of your essay.
8th paragraph
- I can no longer identify with the prioritization skills of my younger years andwas not able to prioritize my goals, however, I firmly
9th paragraph
- In preparation forof resuming my
Hopefully you'll understand my frame of mind which lead to decisions of long ago.
Your time is gratefully appreciated in regards to this matter and I hope to hear good news from CUNY!It is of my utmost gratitude to the management of CUNY for taking your precious time in reviewing this letter and hope to hear from you soon.
There you have it Tina, I hope the insights are helpful and I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.
@justivy03 thank you so much! Those small changes make a big difference, especially on the closing. Changes made. Thank you again.
Hi Tina, no worries at all Dear, we are here for you and there's nothing that makes and keeps us going than, logging in and reading words of gratitude from all of you. We definitely see to it that the feedback we provide are not only appropriate to the task at hand but also, we aim to give that extra strength to keep and make your essay stand out.
This particular letter that you have, I must say, is quiet critical, simply because it is a make or break essay, however, give it all your heart, all your great intensions to further your education and make yourself a better individual. When your intensions are pure and the clarity of your letter is evident, the administrators and reviewers will see this and will hopefully grant your request of transfer.
While you're at your revision Tina, I strongly suggest that you observe the length of your letter too, remember, the panel of reviewers often review a lot of letters each time they need be, therefore, keep your letter straight forward, true to its intension and make sure that it's not that long for it not to be too taxing to review. I hope to review your final letter soon.
Hi Tina! I'm not here to edit your essay- I would if I had time but right now I'm kind of busy. I really came to tell you that I had to do something very similar for a CUNY school as well. I think they wanted to ensure I was prepared this go-round and when they read my essay, they admitted me right away. As long as you have a good plan to succeed, you should be fine, because I think they are looking for that more than the situation/ reasoning behind why you did not succeed last time (although that is important as well).
Actually, that's what I'd give you the most feedback on, so here goes. So much for the time crunch. :) I think you should detail your plans more. That, as far as I'm aware, is really what they are looking for. The essay is less about what happened and more about what you will do this time to ensure success. How do you plan to succeed? Think about what went wrong last time and focus on how you can learn from it. For example, you were in a situation where the pressure and responsibilities mounted and mounted. Having experienced that, what would you do differently? For example, at what point would you have stopped taking on responsibilities? When would you have cut off taking new work? at what point would you have gotten support from teachers, supervisors, peers, etc...?
What kind of support system do you have this time if something similar should happen or if the stress gets to be too much? How exactly will you prioritize school? Have you taken on less outside responsibilities or simply not working altogether? Do you have someone at work that can work with you when it comes to this? What kind of study plans do you have that might be different from the last time? What will meeting with the adviser more frequently change? These are some things to think about when writing your essay!
Take care and good luck!
