Please gimme some suggestions, I appreciate ur efforts!
Dear Sir or Madam:
My purpose for applying to this master program is to both expand on my solid education and to create more opportunities for myself in the future. I wish in particular to be trained at an advanced level in distributed systems, database systems and data mining. My ultimate goal is to become an expert in constructing and designing large distributed systems in Chinese industry. I believe that advanced training in a graduate program of good quality will realize my dream.
As a highly motivated undergraduate majoring in Software Engineering at XXX, I have gained distinctive academic results, hands-on experience in different research areas and leadership skills. With my three years' consistent efforts and keen interest, my GPA (87.1/100) ranked the third among 91 students of my same grade. Besides courses listed on my transcript, I did a lot of experiments in relation to these courses. My outstanding academic performance won me acceptance into a competition project which was an embedded system for automatic drive vehicle model. Due to my comprehensive specialized knowledge, I was appointed as the team leader. My duty was to implement GIS on PC and to develop network communication module between PC and the smart car model. Through 4 months' hardworking, I dug out the well performed solution and we won the 2nd prize in the National College Students Programming Competition at last. Later, I was involved in a graduate research team which mainly focused on data retrieving. Together with my adviser and my fellows, I spent numerous hours in the laboratory studying papers, experimenting new ideas and evaluating results. These days had given me an insight into the methodology of conducting research. During my internship in XXXX Co. Ltd., my quick learning and hard working also impressed the project manager. These experiences solidly equip me for my graduate study. Furthermore, as a class president and the president of Youth Volunteer Association in CS department, I have taken the initiative to organize numerous meetings and activities, such as the May Day chorus competition of school and the donation collection to deaf mute children.
My passion for Information Technology was not limited to a narrow range. My interest in distributed computing began from two years ago, when I got to know it from the Distributed Computing Information Forum in Chinese. Fascinated by the relevant projects such as GIMPS and SETI@Home, I have picked up some theoretical foundations about this field. By implementing distributed computing, we can make the full use of PC's resources to conduct massive computation in a cheaper and higher efficiency way. But I know that there are some fundamental challenges faced by this technology like fault-tolerance. To be sure, China still pales in this area of research and application in comparison with most of the western countries. And yet, it is such a promising area. It is an ideal research area for aspiring computer scientists to keep current with the latest technologies and to make innovations.
I wish to delve deeper into the subjects to be able to carry out independent research and analysis and to follow it up with a PhD or serve in a research institution. My long-term goal is to be an expert in distributed systems and to aid the development of this area in China. I am aware that my knowledge pertaining to large-scale distributed system is so insufficient. It is essential that I should fill in the gaps in my knowledge of in parallel and distributed computing, and performance measurement.
The desire to acquire these skills is one reason why I am attracted to the SEDC program. The XXX Uni. is well known for its excellence in the information and communication technology field, complete with an accomplished faculty and modern research resources. I am also attracted by the program's inventiveness and uniqueness. With students from various nations, it provides its students with a good chance to learn from different cultures.
I am confident that I will match the high standards set by your university and I will be able to greatly contribute to the program. For all these reasons, I strongly aspire to secure admission to purse graduate studies, with adequate financial assistance in your program.
I believe that advanced training in a graduate program of good quality will help me to realize my dream.
With my three years' of consistent efforts and keen interest,...
..I spent numerous hours in the laboratory studying papers, experimenting with new ideas
During my internship in XXXX Co. Ltd., my quick learning and hard working also impressed the project manager.
My interest in distributed computing began from two years ago...
It is essential that I should fill in the gaps in my knowledge of in parallel and distributed...
...I strongly aspire to secure admission in order to pursue graduate studies, ...
Great essay! Sounds like they'll be lucky to have you as a student!
Hello, I came to help, too, because I saw that you gave some great help to another student.
Notice that Susan fixed your spelling of the word pursue.
Excellent, you are so accomplished that they have to admit you to the school!
I think the essay is already great, but if you want to make it better cite an article in APA style. That will be hard if you do not know how to cite sources, but you probably do. People do not usually cite sources in admissions essays, and that is why I recommend it.
Thanks for helping so much with that "tv destroying communities" essay.
I would leave it out because it's on your transcript and resume. Everything I've heard says you shouldn't duplicate information. Instead, you could take the same n number of words and say something else that sets you apart from the applicant pool that is not found somewhere else in your materials. It doesn't hurt your statement to leave it in, but if you were trying to cut back words, I would cut that. I agree that it is a merit, but one that will be testified to elsewhere in your packet.
