essay for master's degree program - Sweden
Hi everyone, I have an essay submission that needs be reviewed. It is for an Industrial Management master's degree program at Sweden. The essay is limited to 500 words. Please give me any insight. Thank you!
Being a leader at technology industry has always been my dream since I was a teenager. My uncle was an engineering department manager at a multinational glass company and he told me a lot about glass manufacturing process and his experience handling a diverse team. With him as my inspiration, I decided to continue my study at mechanical engineering program to get a deep understanding in technology industry. In the same time, I joined numerous organizational activities to help me shaped my soft skills. For that, I used to work in a team environment, dealing with various projects in a tight timeline. In my third-year, I managed to become head engineer at the university's robotic team. We developed a robot which got the Best Design Award in National Robot Competition in 2014.
Currently, I am working at a state-owned enterprise in Indonesia which focusing on airport service and operation. Joining Engineering Department, I was involved in several projects, managing some of them. Runway light overhaul and reinstallation project was the most intimidating for me, since I had to work with a number of vendors, planned the workflow allowing the runway to be fully operated during reinstallation process, added by arduous thinking on time management so we did not interfere with the aircraft schedule. Based on my self-evaluation on this project, I've realized that there are a lot of things to work on to become more effective in my management skills.
Nowadays, aviation business is experiencing rapid growth due to the increasing demand for air travel and it shows no sign of stopping. International Air Transport Association (IATA) forecasted Indonesia's aviation market to become the fourth-largest globally by 2039. I, personally, can see it as a challenge as well as an opportunity to take a big role in the future in this thriving industry. I aspire to be a leader in airport engineering development department, where I could have the chance to guide the evolution of aviation industry in my country. For that, I am eager to level up myself within Industrial Management master's degree program in XXX. I've found out that the subjects offered at this program, such as Project Management, Finance and Control in Industrial Organizations, and Industrial Transformation and Technical Changes are exactly what I needed to master in order to fulfil my ambition. With the skills, knowledge, network, and experience I will get throughout my study, I plan to come back to my home country and make a notable contribution to the aviation industry, which will give beneficial impacts as it will make an enormous increase in terms of nation's GDP and job availability in Indonesia.
As I understand, this program is very competitive and only accepts top-level students. However, I am convinced that my good study and professional record, combined with my organizational experience will enhance my chance to succeed within this program. I would be truly honored if you decide to accept my candidateship to be a student at XXX in 2021.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 This is an essay that establishes your interest in Industrial Management. It contains the foundation of your interest and how you pursued the occupational reference as an undergraduate and junior professional. It does not establish the motivation for your interest in the masters course based on the required professional exposure time and advanced academic requirements due to advanced career opportunities.
You need to revise the content of your presentation to be more motivational in representation. For that requirement, you can use paragraph 3 as the basis of your new motivation presentation. That aspect shows an analysis of the industry and how you view it as changing based on the new requirements for travel. Further developed, you can separate that single paragraph into 2, with the second one expanding further on your academic interest in industrial management as it relates to the field of aviation.
You can further add 2 paragraphs after that to represent the reason you chose to study in Sweden. The next paragraph, can then explain why you believe the university you have chosen best represents your academic and professional goals. Based on that revision, you will have a more appropriate motivational letter presented.
