Please evaluate, point errors,... anything!
Length has to be 400-600 words. Written 479.
an unparalleled fit
Dear Sir/Madame:
I am writing to express my profound interest in applying for UPF's Master's Degree Program in Sound and Music Computing, which happens to be an unparalleled fit for the professional itinerary I have pursued for more than 5 years now. I am an ambitious, tenacious Computer Science student in University of Zaragoza, but the extent of my inherent fascination for the aforementioned degree goes beyond my academical background. Ever since I was a child I was wholly, irremediably drawn to videogame audio, so much so that it feels emotional to be writing these sentences in this very moment. My passion for the field remained soaring for years, until lastly, someday throughout my junior high school year, I made the unwavering choice of one day being entrusted the labour of conceiving the audio for a visual medium.
With that steadfast determination, for over 4 years I have tirelessly produced and mixed electronic and orchestral music, learnt to play the piano solidly, write musical notation and use diverse audio software, read multiple books about interactive and adaptive soundtracks, orchestration, production principles, and a long list of others. One substantial accomplishment as a result of this autonomous study was being selected by a discography in the USA, -PARMA Recordings-, for a compilation CD of notable chamber pieces by aspiring composers.
My future is yet to be written, but I am fully certain that studying Sound and Music Computing at UPF is what would best catapult myself towards my dream; not only it offers courses, such as "Computational Music Creativity" or "Music Recording and Mixing", that tremendously appeal to me and would undoubtedly push my knowledge in the field to the next level; but also UPF's audio research group, -MTG-, has worked on projects that captivate me beyond description: TELMI specially, as it both combines my favourite field in Computer Science, which is AI, with learning a musical instrument; and stirs me on a personal level, since my father actually suffered from Focal Dystonia which now prevents him from being able to play guitar to his full ability, -likely due to poor learning methods-; moreover, the different possible internships listed on the website are all of utmost, unbelievable interest to me, -just the thought of being given the chance to learn alongside companies like Native Instruments, Dolbyor Yamahasends shivers down my spine, truthfully-. These are all deciding factors that hands down make UPF, and no other university, the best option to drive me towards my greatest life goal.
I am adamant that my innate devotion for the field, the ability to autonomously learn and tackle problems I have built throughout my Bachelor's Degree, the self-discipline and resolution I have developed over the years by studying independently, and the musical experience and knowledge I already have are all crucial points that differentiate me from most of the candidates.@IValdivia
Welcome to the forum. I'm going to evaluate and give feedback on this essay, and I hope this will somewhat help you in your writing.
First and foremost, that first paragraph needs to be hammered down a little bit more. Considering that you had quite an assortment of details laid out here, it would have been better if you had compartmentalized everything. For instance, talk first about your educational background, then your values, then a glimpse of your personality. If you're able to create distinctions and not necessarily put everything in a messy cluster, that will certainly improve your writing.
Furthermore, that second paragraph also needs to be treated with that same idea. I have noticed that you merely compiled all of your details without properly making it clear why and why this is important for the entirety of your application. Don't just leave out fragments of your details. Rather, do your best to explain everything in context.
