Stipendium Hungaricum program application
Hi, I have a motivation letter that needs be reviewed. It is for Stipendium Hungaricum program in Bachelor of Computer Science. The essay is limited to 4000 characters. Please give me any insight. Thank you!
Dear whom it may concern,
With this letter, I would like to express my interest to study in Hungary of Computer Science as a Stipendium Hungaricum scholar.
Those who persevere will excel. That is one of my life's mottos. I am sure that every single success is started from a dream. I do want to be a Software engineer in the future. During the course of my studies in high school, I got a lesson in Information communication and technology, which studied Pascal basic programming language, and basics of HTML and CSS. I learned how to manage a website to make more it attractive, which made me even more incented to delve deeper into the realm of computer science. For me, programming seemed to be a source of unfathomable mysteries. I am particularly interested in the courses Artificial Intelligence and Software Engineering. Besides, I have found them essential for me to understanding of information technology more in-depth and systematically before realizing my dream.
I have chosen Hungary as a country for my study because I want to leave my native country's comfort, to learn more effectively in another developed country with the best education for science and technology. As one of the safest countries in the world, Hungary has a very supportive environment for my study and to improve my English. Some many scientists and inventors come from Hungary. Such as John von Neumann, the greatest mathematician from Hungary, Erno Rubik, the inventor of the Rubik's cube, and many more. For those reasons, I am now applying for the Stipendium Hungaricum. And I will learn more about the Hungarian people's culture and the Magyar language little by little before I go to Hungary, to make it easier for me to interact with the local community. Therefore, if I face culture shock or something like that, I will be able to manage it. I am much eager to undertake this challenge and gain new experiences in Hungary.
I am sure that I can be one of the potential candidates for the Stipendium Hungaricum program as I have proven my excellence in education. When I was in junior high school, I attended an accelerated program in which I could finish the three years study program for only within two years. I have actively participated in different kinds of science and mathematics Olympiads within those two years of study. My active contribution within the middle school has been continued while I was in senior high school. As a student with a merit-scholarship program, I have the responsibility to study harder and contribute more. I attended a semi-military senior high school, where I had to stay in a dormitory with other students from different ethnicities, religions, and backgrounds. These educational experiences have enabled me to be more responsible, mature, tolerant, and adaptable.
For the next few years, the Indonesian government will focus on regional planning for the new capital city. Some of these plans are the creation and implementation of an autonomous electric vehicle. Artificial Intelligence will play an important role in the development of autonomous vehicles to present advanced features in transportation products. Moreover, it is my mission to take part in the development of this technology, not only for the new capital city but also for other regions in Indonesia, especially in the transportation planning sector. I believe this sector industry can produce vehicles that can be marketed both in Indonesia and abroad. Furthermore, I think that I am responsible for making a big move in this field, and this program will give me a great chance to be someday someone who is remembered for her innovations.
Thank you for taking the time to read my motivation letter. I will appreciate speaking with you about my application, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4782 Your opening salvo is too wordy when it need not be. A simple to whom it may concern would have sufficed and there was no need to introduce that one liner greeting at the start. It is using up word count without adding relevance to the presentation. You can reformat the opening salutation and delete the first sentence. Just get to the point already. The reviewer does not have time to waste.
In the second paragraph, there is no reason to enumerate the notable Hungarian names with their accomplishments. Again, that is useless information that does not relate directly to your reasons for choosing Hungary as your undergraduate base of studies. Being a safe country makes sense, wanting to leave your comfort zone, also makes sense. Language and culture aren't very good reasons to choose the country. These need to be more academic and personal growth centered. Culture shock is something that you will definitely have to overcome, but simply knowing some of the language and culture will not help overcome all of that. So you need to pick more weighted methods of overcoming culture shock such as joining student organizations, exchange student programs, or some other related things.
It is better never to claim your credentials as making you a potential candidate. It sounds boastful and doesn't leave the reviewer to make his own conclusions. Just state your academic qualifications in a humble manner. That often works better than outright saying "I am a good candidate! Pick me!" which is what your first sentence does. It tends to turn off the reviewer. Remember, there are other candidates who will have far better and notable accomplishments than you do. So boasting at this point will not help your case. However, implying your qualifications would be better suited for the presentation.
