I am writing a motivational essay for a congressional nomination <500 words
Dear Congressman Trone,
My name is Alexey Koulikov, I am a Senior at Stephen Decatur High School, and I am very interested in marine engineering. I am applying for a congressional nomination for the United States Merchant Marine Academy.
I am applying for admission to an academy because I want to be commissioned into the Navy after graduation. I chose the Merchant Marine Academy because It is my favorite in terms of location, education, and opportunity post-graduation. The USMMA is located on the Long Island Sound and is 20 minutes away from one of the most culturally diverse cities in the world known as New York City. More importantly though, the education at the USMMA known for its science, engineering, and mathematics programs. These fields are something that I am deeply passionate about and involved in, but more importantly they are tools I can use to help people. Lastly, the Merchant Marine Academy is unique from other service academies because of how many different paths there are after graduation. Right now, I am planning on commissioning into the Navy after graduation, however, I am willing to keep an open mind as to what other career paths I could pursue.
I believe I am an outstanding candidate for a service academy nomination because I know exactly what I am signing up for and why I am doing it. I have been in constant contact with alumni and current attendees of service academies, as well as officers I have met through leadership camps and NJROTC. I have learned that in general, an Officer has more responsibilities than someone who has enlisted, and they live a very regimental lifestyle. However, I believe that the reward of keeping the United States secure and allowing future generations to grow up just as I did, in a country in which anything is achievable, is worth the risk and sacrifice. My athletic background is also a driving factor in my candidacy for an academy nomination. I have been wrestling since the first grade and it has really prepared me to become an officer. Wrestling has helped me develop leadership skills and it has taught me to dedicate myself to something I am passionate about. Especially in recent years since I became captain of my wrestling team and have had the opportunity to volunteer and give back to my community through multiple youth wrestling programs.
In conclusion, I am extremely excited to have the opportunity to receive a congressional nomination for the USMMA. Thank you for taking the time to review my nomination application. If you have any questions, please email me at ******, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,705 3785
There is no clear motivation referenced in this letter. The student does not have a clear connection between academic and career goals. The presentation glosses over the actual motivating factors in favor of tourist preferences /reasons. A specific career goal, that can only be achieved by joining the Merchant Marine Academy must be indicated. That means, keeping in mind other options aside from the Navy is not possible. The letter fails to convince the reader of an honest desire to serve the country. Consider reversing the essay by trying to sound less like a person interested in going on a tour and more like a person who will use the Merchant Marine experience to become an exemplary Navy officer in the future. sell yourself as a future Navy officer , who will get his sea legs as a merchant marine.