"the Norwich office positions" - possible job inquiry

Hi guys,

As you can see this is my first post on the EssayForum. I am here because i want to learn how to write clear and structured sentences, paragraphs and just to improve my writing in general. Over the past 6 months I have been trying to take in certain things that might help improve my approach and, to help structure everything. I think the only way i will truly learn is to be critiqued by people who know what they are on about. So, I thank you in advance, and please dont hold back on criticising/point me in the right direction; i want to learn.

This is a recent email i sent for a possible job position earlier today:

"Dear Karen,

I hope you are well.

My team leader initiated that I should write in respect of any possible part-time positions that may be available within the Norwich office. I am looking for one or two days per week, including any Saturday vacancies, along side my final year of university. I am currently on the Savills Summer Scheme within the Lansdowne House office in London. I originally started within the Planning & Development department on the 1st of June, however, since then, I have gained an extension for the month of July, and most recently, for August and September within the London Residential and Development Department.

I am currently studying Real Estate Management at the Anglia Ruskin University. I enjoy all aspects of the course, and ideally, I would like to gain as much experience, within Savills, before I graduate next summer. My timetable for lessons and lectures for the next academic year is for Monday's and Friday's. So, I would be available for any other days of the week, including Saturdays. I will be commuting from my home in Sheringham, so getting to and from the office wouldn't be any problems. I am very open to anything that might be on offer within your office.

I have attached my CV for your convenience. If you require any additional information, please let me know.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Kind regards

James Carter Adams"

Please comment. Many thanks.

Wicked..good stuff man

The only thing that I can think of is changing some sentences and not starting them with "I"

I would combine these two sentences:


I'm not 100% sure, but I think your use of the word initiated at the beginning might be incorrect...you might want to check for yourself with someone more knowledgeable, though.


The above sounds strange to me. I would consider changing to "anything your office has to offer", which is also more reader-focused.

Finally, I would consider using a business letter format rather than the good old "dear so-and-so," format. If you stick with this, make sure you put a comma after "Kind regards".

Overall, very good, though, I think. I like the strong sentences. :)

Hope we catch everything for you ;)

Wow, good replies. Its a huge help. Do you have any tips for grammar etc?