Persuasive Letter (proposal for change, rapport, credibility, logical arguments)

(I'm writing a persuasive letter for my college class. Its a proposal for change & I need to build rapport & credibility, & make a few logical arguments. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help me edit and give me a few tips.

Dear ****,

You, like me, have seen a favorable amount of success at a very young age. Even though we have gone down different paths in business, we have always triumphed over adversity. I am proud of what you have accomplished so far with your new website, but I am also aware that you are having some difficulty in capturing your viewer's attention and maintaining a high retention rate. Hopefully, my expertise in marketing can help your website gain an extra advantage to ensure even more success. I encourage you to inspect this letter very carefully before you decide whether or not you want my help.

****, what you presently have, or how your website is currently running is not satisfactory. You can do, have, or be more and generate exceptional profits. My advice has helped many people just like you get improved results. Try them once. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Imagine your future as you deserve it to be. You can reach your dreams and achieve your goals with my help. The more you read through my ideas the more you will understand how easy they are to implement as an integral part of your business.

You probably already know that success on the web does not happen by accident. Running a successful online business requires self-discipline. Unfortunately, we know that self-discipline is not the sole factor to success. Maintaining a viewer's attention is vital. You only have 4 seconds to capture a viewer's attention. By developing an interactive layout for your website, you can increase the average time spent on your site. Most websites fail at keeping the viewers attention; please do not make the same mistake, it is essential to keep your site creative, interesting, and interactive.

Around one year ago I read an article that positively changed my marketing career. The gist of the article stated that you must offer some sort of continual benefit and/or social experience, in order to maintain a high retention rate of viewers. By offering a newsletter that gives updates, information, and discounts, you will be able to connect with the viewer. Another way to maintain a high retention rate is by creating a forum. You offer your viewer a social experience as well as the chance for them to express their needs and opinion of your website. That alone enables you to the make the necessary changes that will increase your retention rate. A forum also creates an "internet family" that will invite new members to join your website, creating a free word-of-mouth marketing campaign.

Creating a forum, making a newsletter, and revamping your website might seem expensive but the return of the investment is huge. Spending a little money and giving 33% effort is better than being cheap and giving 100% effort. My ideas are much easier to implement than they look. Once you have everything up and running, you will notice an increased retention rate and a diminished bounce rate, I guarantee it. I would not tell you to implement these ideas if they truly had no benefit for you, because I always want your respect and I know you will make the right decision.

I hope everything goes well and I know you will be successful, yet again.

Best Regards,

*****

Anyone?

no bumping :P if no one posts, it'll stay in unanswered

what is this really about? an english paper? is the recipient a friend? i dont quite get the first paragraph otherwise.


woah. some what strong, maybe not a bad thing. but sudden


im confused here


and here. maybe because of the extended "helped...get improved..." <sounds somewhat forceful again.
reading up to the 2nd paragraph, i don't see anything about your one "ideas" where are they :?


what does this have to do with web design? unless the real reader knows, im clueless


nice, the first piece of obvious advice.


ok, but what else, other than the obvious, have you stated here?


great advice. finally something solid


again, puzzled here.


the ending part is good. but the "yet again," why say this?

overall, your advice is somewhat meager. make a forum, vamp up the interactiveness of the site, make a newsletter, and fluff. the structure of the intro to ending is decent, by long winded on the intro part. your own advice is meager compared to pleas to accept the advice. good luck here~

Well, to tell the truth, this essay benefited me a lot. I think that it is great advice, and that for people trying to make a website profitable it really has some keys to success. I like this tengoldenrules.com

Jon is talking about some longwindedness, and I agree. the first para is condescending.

It absolutely is true that you need to enable visitors to interact, and that a forum creates a kind of family...

Revise for conciseness, but really, this is very good advice!!