Readmission Letter Appeal Help, Withdrew without Suspension

Looking for any ways to refine or improve my appeal letter, grammatically, structure, wordiness, etc. Thank you in advance!!!

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for readmission into the elementary education program for the Fall 2015 semester as a full-time student. I was previously a student at *** from 2002-2006. At the time I decided to take leave from the university, it was my intention to only take a year away to deal with a string of family hardship related matters and in turn regain focus and a passion for continuing my academic pursuits.

As my academic transcript represents, I completely lost the focus and initiative required to achieve measurable success in my studies by the time I was in my third year. I attribute the change in my motivations at that time in a large part to the loss of all four of my grandparents, the unexpected passing of my only uncle, and my father being diagnosed with a debilitating case of peripheral neuropathy, all of which led to my mother going into a state of depression. A sense of mortality began to permeate my thoughts and replaced much of my drive to perform even adequately in my academics. Being self-reliant to a fault, I never sought help from professors or support staff despite my plummeting GPA. I began putting all my time and energy into forming relationships and maintaining them to help ease my feeling of loss as a self-prescribed "live for the day" antidote. I take full responsibility for refusing to be proactive when there were steps that could have been taken to limit the damage I did to my academic reputation.

Despite having amassed 92 credits through my fourth year, it would not have been prudent to continue at *** at that time and simply hope for a fundamental change in my approach. I elected to return home in order to be close to my remaining family. I began working in the school system immediately as a substitute teacher and was hired as a middle school basketball and baseball coach. In 2007, I worked 170 of 175 possible days across the three local school districts in every grade level. In 2008, I took a full-time substitute position at the high school level. In 2009, I began working as an Ed Tech at the elementary school level, the position I have held since, while coaching soccer and basketball at the high school level. I have been able to work with hundreds of children, build a tremendous network of peers in the educational field, and be exposed to training and diverse situations that will undoubtedly lead me to be more successful in my transition to a classroom teacher.

I am pursuing returning to complete my coursework at *** because it is important to me to finish what I started. I believed it was the best fit for me in achieving my educational and career goals from the first time I visited the campus and still do. It would give me a tremendous amount of pride to be able to return and prove myself. I know I will be unable to fully utilize my strengths and capabilities in the educational field without a degree. I am ready to re-attend *** and excel to a level that allows me to pursue graduate level courses in administration afterwards, but realize that decision ultimately lies in your hands. I hope I can satisfy your need to see that, if not through this appeal and other letters of recommendation, than with a face-to-face meeting at your convenience. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

*Name*

Hi, mattmac. I think your letter is already great, but I can make a few suggestions:

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This sounds a bit dramatic to me. Although I'm sure you're not trying to exaggerate, it sounds like you are. If I were writing this, I would leave this sentence out. You've already explained why you were struggling; there's no need to hammer it in with this sentence. Remember - you are training to regain their favor...Mentioning "sense of mortality" might scare them off instead.

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I would stop the sentence at "loss" and leave out "as a self-prescribed..." "Self-prescribe" has negative connotations (I immediately think of "self-medicate" using alcohol or drugs). The sentence will convey the same meaning without negative connotations if you stop at "loss."

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I would not use the word "refuse" - it sounds too negative. How about this: I take full responsibility for failing to be proactive when there were steps that could have been taken to limit the damage I did to my academic reputation.

I think I'd reword the end of that sentence to make it flow better. Here's a suggestion:
I take full responsibility for failing to be proactive and seek out the help I needed .

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OK, I need to stop there, but I hope that has helped you a little!