I need some feedback on a Essay. I had to write a 5-paragraph essay in the the 1st person form about being in the renaissance. I need help in elevating the writing. I am in the 11th grade.
Letter Home from the Renaissance
My Dear Alfonzo, these cities compare completely different to our small farm. The brilliant colors of Florence and Venice give the appearance of glistening life. My hand quivers while I write this letter of my travels. I apologize that you must stay with the farm, but I hope that the revenue send you will ease your sorrow. I received income for a few of my sketches of the countryside. The Florentines especially loved my sketches of David, and the Nativity. I realize how much time passed since we last communicated, but in this letter, I inform you of what I witnessed and saw in my travels. You may not believe what I tell you, but I assure you that I inscribe only the truth of what captured my eyes. Hopefully, we will visit the cities together next time, but for now, I can offer you my words and sketches, enclosed in this package.
Florence appears more beauteous than we ever dreamed. This city, gargantuan as it becomes during one's approach, entices every visitor. Brother, I tell you this with all honesty in my heart, Florence brings tears of joy and beauty to any weary traveler's eye. So graceful and magnificent, the town captivates you while walking through the busy streets. I cannot stop sketching everything that crosses my path. The architecture, so smooth and strong, takes me back to Rome at every corner. The art's vibrant colors capture the attention of all spectators and visitors. There stands at least one glorious sculpture on every street. Florence certainly stands out as the grandest city in all of Italy.
While in Florence, I received and accepted an offer to dine with a man named Lorenzo de Medici, and I soon learned of why people shouted "the Magnificent", while he passed in the streets. Upon entering his home, which appeared similar to a palace fit for a king, I gazed out onto the courtyard at a young boy sculpting marble. This boy, Lorenzo stated to me, posses the potential to surpass the greatest artists and sculptors that ever lived. To my eyes though, I only viewed a small boy who could chisel at marble with some accuracy. Now I told you Alfonso, I send you income along with this letter; well you must thank this man for the majority of it. Lorenzo purchased numerous of my sketches, and presumptuously supplied me with seven hundred Florins. I apologize for only sending you four hundred, but I required the rest for my trip to Venice. I mourned upon leaving Florence, but awaited my next destination eagerly.
Venice, the queen of the Adriatic, preferred an alternate look than that of Florence. Upon my weary eyes, I saw more ships and water than I saw of majesty in Florence; however, it remains a site to see filled with water, and bright colors. The architecture, in a Romanesque form, but lacked the classical form, and appeared to create a new, modern style. The art appeared more secular, than that of Florence, but I managed to find several religious paintings. I actually met a young lad by the name of Titan, who painted with incredibly, gorgeous colors I ever laid eyes upon. Shockingly bright, but he brilliantly applied the colors to fill the painting. Venice, a bustling city of trade, could not fill the void of my heart that yearns for the captivating sites and culture of Florence.
I now begin to run low on ink my dear brother, I wish you well, and hope that you enjoy this letter of adventure. I look forward to coming home to see you and the farm once again. I must though, on my travel home, take rest in Florence for at least a night. In order to thoroughly enjoy the culture and beauty that the city offers, my stay requires an extension beyond a single night. I must say that the visit to the city of Venice remains a fond memory; however, it could not satisfy the culture thirst that I encountered in Florence. We must surely travel to Venice first, before adventuring to Florence. I must bid you a dew Alfonso, and look forward to reuniting in the near future. Your dear brother, Alberto.
I totally love your writing, its tone is really the Renaissance time. It's very very well written, especially, you're just in 11th grade. Good job, Jolee. Through your letter, you transfer me back to Renaissance time. It just likes you take my hand and bring me to those cities that you have mentioned. For the grammar, I'm not so sure, but I believe that you don't make many serious errors. Keep up with your writing, I think you can be a novelist because you have a great immagination.
I need help in elevating the writing.
No you don't! How did you learn to write so well? If you know of any books that can help me learn to write like you, I want to know the titles.
For this essay, I am happy to say I thought of something that might really benefit you: imagery words and good action verbs.
Imagery words include smells -- when I type about the "strange smell of grape juice" it really makes you smell something.
But look at this:
incredibly, gorgeous colors I ever laid eyes upon. Shockingly bright, but he brilliantly applied the colors to fill the painting.
You mention it, but you mentioned no colors, no textures, no images.
Let the reader see something!
Also, good action verbs are really full of action. Run is better than appear, and gouge is better than run. It's just about being interesting. Ha ha, well, that is how it seems to me, anyway.
So... your writing needs more imagery words and action verbs.
