Review request: Letter of intent for ELAP Scholarship (Canada)

Hello! I am applying for the Emerging Leaders in the Americas Program (ELAP) to study at Canadore College in Canada. The requirements for the letter of intent specify a one-page document written in English, explaining my motivation for studying in Canada and how the program aligns with my future professional goals.I would greatly appreciate your feedback on my letter of intent. Below is the text (with sensitive information censored ):
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Dear Selection Committee,

My name is [First Name] [Last Name], a 20 years old undergraduate student in Bioprocess and Biotechnology Engineering at the [Campus Name] of [University Name], Brazil. I am writing to express my strong interest in studying at Canadore College through the Emerging Leaders in the Americas Program (ELAP) to advance my skills in bioinformatics and to become a transformative agent in order to foster collaboration between Brazilian and Canadian institutions and contribute to scientific advancements worldwide.

Studying at Canadore College, located in North Bay, Ontario, offers a unique opportunity to immerse myself in a high-quality educational environment that values diversity and fosters career growth. Specifically, the college's Biotechnology Technician program, with subjects such as Statistical Programming, Molecular Biology, and Bioinformatics, aligns perfectly with my goals. Moreover, I am particularly inspired by the work of Professor MSc. [Professor's Name], head of the program, whose contributions to biotechnology resonate deeply with my aspirations.

My academic journey is driven by a strong commitment to research. As a [Scholarship Name] recipient since 2023, I have been exploring renewable energy using microbial fuel cells and anaerobic digesters for biogas production from different wastewater sources, applying metagenomics to optimize processes. Additionally, in a voluntary project, I've been studying miRNAs, a concept central to the 2024 Nobel Prize in Medicine, and their role in gene regulation under drought stress in [Local Biome] species, utilizing transcriptomic and plant genomics analysis. These projects have sharpened my skills in bioinformatics and molecular biology, and I am eager to expand them at Canadore College. Learning advanced approaches from experts will enable me to further contribute to innovative solutions for pressing global environmental challenges.

Beyond research, I have also served as a teaching assistant for Calculus, sharpening my mentoring and teaching skills. As co-founder and Marketing Director of [Organization Name], my campus's first junior company, I developed leadership and community engagement. Additionally, my volunteer work as a reviewer and infographic producer for [Initiative Name], one of Brazil's largest biotechnology social media initiatives, strengthened my collaboration and networking abilities. Studying in Canada, with its multicultural environment, will further enhance these skills, preparing me to work in diverse teams and contribute to global scientific advancements.

As a low-income student from a region often overlooked globally, I see this opportunity as a chance to grow and inspire others. Upon returning to Brazil, I plan to organize open workshops, courses, and mentorship programs through my personal and professional platforms, such as social media, my university, and organizations I influence, empowering fellow students in my community with the technical skills and knowledge I acquire.

Thank you in advance for considering my application. I am deeply committed to contributing to ELAP's mission and Canadore College's vibrant academic atmosphere, and to sharing the knowledge I gain with my city, university, country, and beyond.

Sincerely,
[First Name] [Last Name]
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The essay should be focused more on your future career plans, with a solid discussion of how your plans align with the offerings of the program. This essay fails to accomplish that task. You waited until almost the last paragraph to address what should have been the focal point of the letter of intent. You under explained that aspect and do not really show how your future career plans align with the scholarship. Your academic biography and other accomplishments are not relevant to the letter of intent. What is important, it to show your intent to study a specific course, based upon your specific career projections. These are the only considerations that should be presented in this letter. Everything else, should only be presented in a short form.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your detailed and constructive feedback on my previous draft. Below is the updated version of my letter. I'd greatly appreciate it if you could take a look and let me know if this version better addresses the expectations of a strong letter of intent.
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Dear Selection Committee,

My name is [Name], and I am a [age]-year-old undergraduate student in [Major] at [University], [Country]. I am writing to express my strong interest in studying at Canadore College through the Emerging Leaders in the Americas Program (ELAP). Driven by a passion for biotechnology, I am committed to pursuing an academic and research career focused on bioinformatics and metatranscriptomics, aiming to develop innovative solutions to address pressing global challenges.

The Biotechnology Technologist advanced program at Canadore College, with its focus on Biostatistics Applications, Bioinformatics, and Statistical Programming, is the ideal environment to advance my skills. I aim to master high-throughput sequencing data analysis and computational tools to study gene regulatory networks, particularly in forest species from the Cerrado, a biodiversity hotspot. My current research on miRNAs and their role in stress responses, a field recognized by the 2024 Nobel Prize in Medicine, seeks to develop strategies for resilience against environmental stress exacerbated by climate change. The program's advanced curriculum will prepare me to address these critical challenges with cutting-edge solutions.

Beyond research, I have sharpened my leadership and teaching skills as a teaching assistant for subjects like Calculus and Analytical Geometry, fostering a collaborative learning environment. As co-founder and Marketing Director of [Your Junior Company], my campus's first junior company, I developed project management and teamwork abilities while promoting biotechnology innovation. These experiences have prepared me to thrive in a multicultural academic setting and contribute meaningfully to Canadore College's vibrant community.

I'm ready to make a difference. Coming from a region often overlooked globally, I am determined to use this opportunity to inspire others. Through my personal and professional platforms, I plan to organize free workshops, mentorship programs, and outreach initiatives to encourage students in my community to pursue international opportunities. By sharing the knowledge and skills I gain, I hope to foster a culture of innovation and collaboration.

Studying at Canadore College through ELAP will not only prepare me to contribute to global scientific advancements but also enable me to act as a bridge between [Your Country] and Canadian institutions. I am eager to bring innovative solutions back to my country while fostering long-term partnerships that address shared challenges in biotechnology and environmental sustainability.

Thank you for considering my application. I am committed to making the most of this opportunity and using it to create a lasting impact in my field and community.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]
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Thank you again for your time and support, it means a lot to me!

Paragraph 2 and paragraph 3 are not necessary. Instead talk more about way you are interested in the program, why do you think you are the right candidate for the program, and what makes you stand out?