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Personal Statement on why I want to attend a Service Academy (For Congressional Nomination)


DFLOW 1 / 1  
May 29, 2019   #1

why Service Academy and why i should be picked



The cadets who attend the service academies are one of a kind; they are dedicated to every aspect of their life and pass the challenge of balance rigorous academics, fierce PT and, leadership obligations. My journey began when my veteran coach said I should join the military last football season. I looked into it and found the service academies; asking my uncle who is in the army, about it, he informed me I should commit to it.

During my freshman year, my mother passed away due to drug abuse. For similar reasons, my father was incarcerated. That year, that morning, I choose to rise above my situation and set an example for three siblings and not repeat the cycle. Like a phoenix, I rose from the ashes and unfolded my wings. I am not a worrier, I am a warrior with no barriers.

One year passed and I was out in the Arizona sun with pads and a mindset to dominate. I wasn't gifted in football but refused to let that influence my determination. If a coach could not say, "He's ready for the NFL" then I would make sure, my coaches could say, "He's the hardest worker on the field". Everyone on that field could see that I poured every ounce of sweat into my current rep and then do it again for the next rep. Last football season, my coach, a veteran from Iraq, told me, "You would do well in the military because of your tenacity and heart". Quitting was never in my reference of mind, only other ways to dominate. Whether that meant training on the field, bulking with weights or, studying in the classroom, I got it done. I embrace the grind.

However, I am not just a varsity athlete. I am a leader. While in wrestling, I became the team's captain. My coaches challenged me to become team captain because of my effort and ability to set an example. My peers chose me because of my commitment to them by helping zone their technique, tutoring for school and, emotional support. I did not accept mediocrity from my teammates, I only accepted 101% from them and they expected that from me in return. In school, I was elected into student council because they trusted me to get things done correctly and make their school year, a great year. I joined bridges to be a friend to those new to our schools and helped organized our events so they would feel welcomed.

I was not satisfied with excelling in sports and school, I engaged with my community. In addition to attending high service, I help out with their outreach events. I've helped senior citizens, who are deaf, with my ASL class by feeding them and signing with them during brunch. Additionally, I am raising clothes and hygiene items for MANA House.

My veteran coach told me a story of a guy while in enemy territory crawled hundreds of miles by picking a spot, crawling there and doing it over again for a mission. I want to make a sacrifice that level of commitment to my country. John F. Kennedy asked what we can do for our country. This country has given me the chance to shine in life and I want to make sure, this country, that has given so much to me, is protected. I want to ensure, that our freedoms are defended because they defended me. I want to guard the US as that man did.

I serve with a wholehearted commitment and when I am going, I do not stop. Like a phoenix, I have a fire in my eyes to do as much as I possibly can. I will rise from the ashes of any situation and soar to completion, even if that means picking a spot over and over again to reach my goal. The service academies are an honor, earned through love and tenacity. I have what it takes and will give what it takes and more to the service academies.

\\ This is meant to demonstrate why I want to attend a service academy and the why I should be picked.

Maria - / 1,100 389  
May 29, 2019   #2
@DFLOW
Hi there!

Good luck with your nomination. Let me help you with your essay.

I think that, first and foremost, the beginning of your essay is quite put-together. I would only suggest that you try to integrate more formal writing techniques to establish more of a decent tone in your writing.

That being said, I do think that putting yourself alongside being a phoenix (as a comparative) can be utilized in a better way in your essay if you can provide more of a narrative format to its introduction to your text.

While I also recognize that these types of essays do not necessarily have to abide by traditional academic formats, you should ensure that you still knit formal writing rules into your writing.

Taking these into account, let's revise.

Cadets who attend service academies are eccentric; they dedicate themselves to balancing rigorous academics, fierce PT, and leadership obligations. My journey began when my veteran coach* asked me to join the last military football season. I looked into it and found these academies. Upon asking my uncle, who is in the army, about it, I was convinced to commit to it.

*It can be beneficial to personalize this through mentioning specifically a name if you're willing.

Best of luck in your application! Keep us updated - and don't be afraid to ask more!


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