Hello sirs and madams,
I know my letter is way too long and also a bit informal, could you kindly point out to me how to shorten/correct it?
Do I need to completely rewrite it?
Please write at least 1500 characters, but not more than 4000 characters.
Detailed plan about your future (field of profession in electrical engineering) would be appreciated.
Dear Mr. XX,
My name is Duong, and I wanted to write this short letter to convey my interest in applying to the Bachelor's program in electrical engineering at XX University under the Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship programme. I've always aspired to become an Information Technologist and work with computers and technology, and after thorough research, I believe that a Bachelor's degree in electrical engineering from this prestigious institute will set me on track for a long and successful career in this field.
According to the university's website, one of the specializations available at the XX Faculty of Electrical Engineering was Information Technology, which would be the most fitting major for me. My reason for applying to the electrical engineering major is because I am interested in both computers and electrical systems, as well as their applications. I would like to further study the circuits and currents introduced in my Technology and Physics classes here in Vietnam, and then acquire programming and computer-related skills from the fourth semester onwards. Following this path would prepare me as a well-rounded and versatile prospective employee.
XX University offers an open, welcoming, and diverse studying environment, which would be perfect for me. In my elementary school years in New Zealand, I loved to mingle with my peers from all around the world, experiencing their vibrant cultures and sharing mine. Having fellow students of many different backgrounds at university would help me to broaden my horizons, growing my knowledge by studying their different approaches and attitudes to studying engineering. I would also venture to say that I am a dedicated learner, regularly studying on my own to uncover previously unknown knowledge. The XX Faculty's stated mission is to educate creative, independent, and professional graduates, and putting in the work to become such a student will prepare me well for many careers in my chosen field.
I am passionate about information technology and would like to use the skills provided by this degree to help society. After acquiring a Bachelor's degree, I want to find a job in the IT field which deals with providing online services, possibly educational or technical help, for anyone who needs them. This career choice will require extensive further learning in academia and computer science, but I am determined to carve out a respectable career for myself which will also benefit others.
The opportunity to study at this location is also a very attractive one: With Hungary being a developed and culturally rich country, and the capital Budapest being a beautiful and multicultural city. Belonging to the European Union and Schengen States, a degree from Hungary would be widely recognized. Hungary also holds the reputation of being a great destination for scholars in the scientific disciplines. Many great inventors, pioneers, and Nobel laureates were educated in this country. The opportunity to have a quality educational experience and earn a well-respected degree would be invaluable for my future.
The Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship programme allows a unique chance for all qualified students to study in this country with its strong academic background. XX University in particular is a desirable destination due to the practical and science-based education it provides. However, I and many international students would not be able to study in Hungary and Budapest without the financial aids this program offers.
Thank you for considering my application,
Tran Thuy Duong
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,280 3982
In response to your question, yes, you need to completely rewrite this essay. You are nowhere near the requirements of the discussion. The discussion instructions requires you to discuss what your career plan is. You can base this on what you hope to achieve as an electrical engineer after you have completed your course of study. So, think of at least a 2 year career plan. Why 2 years? Well, after two years, you can opt to study a masters course in relation to your profession. So the placeholder for the end of your career plan will be exactly that, taking an MA in a certain course. That is, after you have garnered enough professional experience within 2 years that will show your ability to progress in this career.
What is the plan after you graduate? Where do you plan to apply for a job? Why there? What is the aim for the first year of your career? Do you plan to switch companies within 2 years? Why? Where will you apply? Why that company? Where do your see that transfer taking your career? Will that eventually lead to an MA? What professional skills do you hope to develop during this time frame? How is that relevant to your line of work? Do you plan to specialize in it? These are but a few of the discussion questions you can consider responding to as you develop your more appropriate draft response essay.
I think you need to shorten the letter and cut off some words. You may merge the third and fourth paragraph because they have the same point, explaining the XX faculty at a certain university.