Hi Ra Mi, welcome to EF! :)
I would like to modify and rewrite your letter completely because the format of your letter is quite messy. You've neglected some important points in writing a letter, especially punctuation marks.
Dear Mr and Mrs John
Dear Mr and Mrs John,
I'm YoungMy name's Young and I come from Korea.
Today, iI am writingwrite this letter to
thanksexpress my gratitude for allowing me to stay with your family when I
am going to live and study ...
I'm 16 years old
, and I study at Seoul High School. I live in Korea with my family
, particularly my father, mother
, and my younger brother. My father is a businessman, my mother works at her
shop, and my brother is
still 5 years old
, so that he
doesn'thasn'tgone to school
yet .
In free time,
I like listening to (...) shopping with my friends.
I also like watching films,
so I often go to the cinema.
Next month, while I'm
studying there, I want to
hard study study hard and
try to improve my
English.On the other hand. i'mAlso, I am ready to discover a
beautifulwonderfulcountrycity like New York. I think
i'llthat it would be exciting to havewith a new life in New York. After finishing
universitymy undergraduate study , I want to
becomebe a businessmen like my father. That's
one of my biggest dreams .
I hope we
lives happy and has memorables together.can live happily and share many memorable experience together.Best wishes,
Ra Mi Young
As you can see, Space, Capitalization, and Punctuation marks are really important. Good luck in revising this letter :)