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Poetry   Posts: 8

The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote).


NonSequitur  
Dec 3, 2009   #1
The Barber

is an archaeologist with sharp scissors
& red sidebrushes

cuts &
(if rid of weather)- trims morsels of time

birthdays assembled in a riddle on the foor
a chronology

the scalp
pale & raw beneath rounded bifocals

an artifact of boyhood & hot summers
all for $12 plus tip

This is a going to be a submission to my school's litmag, and I would love to have it critiqued before sending it off.

Thank you everyone!

Mayada  
Dec 4, 2009   #2
Hehe, I love your ending.. but I don't really get the connection between the barber and an archaeologist..
EF_Kevin [Contributor] 129  
Dec 5, 2009   #3
The barber is an archaeologist, because he excavates what lies beneath the mop of hair I wear.

This is a great poem. Some punctuation could help it or hurt it... I would experiment with some. I wouldn't want to mess with the content. It's great! If you are allowed to write more lines, you should, and increase the imagery. Thanks for sharing this; I appreciate this sort of thing.
Mayada  
Dec 6, 2009   #4
The barber is an archaeologist, because he excavates what lies beneath the mop of hair I wear.

Good point..
Jeannie  
Dec 7, 2009   #5
cuts &
(if rid of weather)- trims morsels of time

I love this except the part in parentheses...I don't understand that part if it is indeed a part of the poem (I put things in parentheses as a side note and grammar be damned!).

"cuts and trims morsels of time" <I really love this! Especially with the follow-up,
"birthdays assembled in a riddle on the foor
a chronology"
What a unique way of looking at a haircut :) clap!
This was a pleasure to read, Zhang!
Juniper_Jumper  
Dec 10, 2009   #6
interesting poem, lots left for interpretation and invites the reader to actually think, unlike most high school poems. I'm wondering what do you mean by the second and third stanza? is there a more subtle message?
OP NonSequitur  
Dec 12, 2009   #7
"if rid of weather"

double entendre here (sort of)

weather as in bad weather. the barber's is rather cranky and does not have the patience to 'trim', rather he 'cuts'.

weather as in weathering/erosion. if the hair was weathered (unkempt and dirty), he can perform a harsher procedure ('cuts it'). however, if the hair/artifact is rid of weather, he is able to be much more graceful and therefore 'trims'.

hope that makes sense.
Jeannie  
Dec 12, 2009   #8
hope that makes sense.

Well...yes, now that you gave me that lengthy explanation! Haha! Perhaps it is just me. Do most of the people you show this to understand without asking? If the answer is "yes," then erase everything I say. teehee. But I think you can come up with something a little clearer without losing the morsel part (I love that).

Poetry should have a certain amount of ambiguity and mystery, I think, while steering clear of perplexity or incomprehension (she says while writing yet another nonsensical haiku). :)

I don't mean to nit-pick, I'm just giving one opinion.

Blue skies!

Jeannie


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