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critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem


xynare 3 / 6  
Aug 26, 2010   #1
Like the Color Orange

Like the moist clumpy residue of Cheetos
coating my fingertips
viscous with absorbed saliva
and cheesy goodness

Like the first pages of a book that's never left a shelf
a whiff cardboard and wood
a chemical tang of binding glue
and printed ink

Like a grease encrusted patty
lettuce limp and soggy meshed with mustard and ketchup
assembled hastily by teenagers working for minimum wage
What a burger

Like the relentless purring:
Tigger
Purring from my feet
Purring from my lap
from atop my history text book
from my shoulder
Strait into my ears

Like the magnet man
Sentenced to long years
On the fridge
Holding calenders
That no one ever uses

The point was describe what your favorite color looks like, feels like, tastes like, smells like, sounds like. I'm not sure I have this down right. I'm open for suggestions and critique.

Thank you

rushingasever 1 / 9  
Aug 26, 2010   #2
is this supposed to be written in a poetic manner?
if yes, try improving some lines to make them rhyme, for it is good to hear, and is uniform,
and BTW, this is cute, :P
OP xynare 3 / 6  
Aug 26, 2010   #3
Thank you for mentioning this. I forgot to add that this is for my creative writing class, and our teacher won't let us use end rhymes for this poem. I was looking more along the lines of advice, or critique about word choice for the senses. Can you tell which stanza represents which sense? Could you tell what color I'm writing about without looking at the title? I'm slightly worried about this.

and BTW, this is cute, :P

Thank you very much.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 28, 2010   #4
Nice, that first stanza made me laugh with glee.

Like the first pages of a book that's never left a shelf

What is the significance of saying it never left the shelf?

lettuce limp and soggy meshed with mustard and ketchup

Somewhere there is an EssayForum moderator standing up before his computer and clapping his hands, cheering.

Use a hyphen:
grease-encrusted
ershad193 14 / 337 5  
Aug 28, 2010   #5
I don't get poems.
I wouldn't be able to digest one even if it is forced through my wrong end. Hence, to make such an imbecile appreciate this, you must have done something right.

Could you tell what color I'm writing about without looking at the title?

Yes, I think that was pretty clear to me. You don't need to worry about that.

Can you tell which stanza represents which sense?

Let's see...the first one is on "feels like," second on smell, third on taste, fourth sound, and fifth on "looks like"... am I right?

If I'm right, then I think in the first stanza the word "goodness" doesn't fit.

This is a typo I believe --> Straigh t into my ears

I love the fourth stanza.

There you go, my first poem critique. You can of course dismiss it as a load of tosh.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 30, 2010   #6
Ha ha, that's pretty funny. I have never heard the word tosh used in a sentence...

Ershad, thanks for catching that question about knowing the color without looking at the title. I didn't respond to that. Kaylee, I think the mention of Cheetos takes care of that. :-)
ershad193 14 / 337 5  
Aug 30, 2010   #7
I have never heard the word tosh used in a sentence...

The Brits use it mostly. If you spend half of your weekends watching soccer, then you're bound to remember some of the commentary.

I think the mention of Cheetos takes care of that. :-)

Yeah that's a clear indication. Moreover, the word "purring" reminds me of Garfield, and he is orange...wait, is he orange?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 31, 2010   #8
Yes, Garfield is orange. Ha ha, always an interesting conversation...
Hey, that connection between purring and orange is kind of flimsy!!
ershad193 14 / 337 5  
Aug 31, 2010   #9
Hey, that connection between purring and orange is kind of flimsy!!

I know, but that's what it reminded me. Actually, I love cats (even in cartoons), so I notice anything remotely related to them.

By the way, the Garfield strip on my newspaper is in black-and-white...thus the confusion.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Sep 1, 2010   #10
Oh yeah, I see how that can cause confusion.


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