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"Damsel's Nightmare". What do you think about my limerick and the description?


alswn95 11 / 28  
Apr 29, 2010   #1
This is my first time writing a limerick and I have no idea what to write about it. Please fix some grammar mistake for my description and the meter in my limerick. I'm still not used to the whole meter idea so some my be off. Thank you! Also, is there anything more I can talk about in my poem? Just a quick idea would really help.

There once was a damsel whose nickname was Sue
Whose nightmare consisted of deadly swine flu
She sought for a place
With little swine case
Invested on a ticket to fly to Peru!

"Damsel's Nightmare" is a limerick about one of the recent health issue-the swine flu. The swine flu also known as H1N1 spread rapidly throughout the world. Airport has been one of the worst place to visit during the flu season because the flu has been transmitted through travelers.

My limerick uses AABBA rhyming scheme along with the amphibrach metrical foot. To give an example, in the first line the metrical feet can be shown as. "there once was/a damsel/whose nickname/was Sue." In addition, there is a use of irony because Sue is afraid of getting the swine flu, yet, she decides to go to the airport and get on a plane where the swine flu is most commonly transmitted. The theme of my poem is about how fear makes people to make stupid mistakes. The damsel was so afraid of the flu that she only thought about escaping to a safe place that she forgot about how going on a plane is most unsafe. The tone of my poem would be mocking because Sue is afraid of
TimMill 9 / 63  
Apr 30, 2010   #2
Hello Jacqueline!

Your limerick is nice, it has the basics down, is the right length, and has the right rhyme scheme. The meter is a little off, though- your first, second, and last line should have between seven and nine syllables, and the third and fourth lines should have between five and seven.

Technically, your first line is too long by two syllables. You do have the right rhythm, though (u u / u u / u u / u u /). I don't know how strict the guidelines are- you may want to change it.

Lines 2-4 are good rhythmically. Line 4 is a little unclear grammatically- "a place with little swine case" is not good English, but for the sake of the limerick, I'd say it's alright. Unfortunately I don't have a better example off the top of my head... sorry.

The meter in line 5 is off. You should change this- the meter should be similar to line one; instead, you have u / u u u / u u / u / /. Try to rework your meter here into the u u / u u / u u / u u / pattern. Also, it should be "invested in", not "invested on".

As for the description:

about one of the recent health issue

should be "about a recent health issue"

The swine flu also known as H1N1

The swine flue, also known

Airport has been one of the worst place

Airports have been some of the worst places

The theme of my poem is about how fear makes people to make stupid mistakes.

You may want to develop this a little- while I can see what you mean, you haven't supported that at all in your description. Add one or two sentences about the theme.

The other sentences are okay- a little choppy, but pretty good overall. Also, it looks like your last sentence is cut off- did you mean to post more?

It's looking good-just a little work and you'll be in good shape!

Hope this helped.
Tim
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 30, 2010   #3
Meter is easy!! Just memorize the sound you are trying to achieve... (line 5) She DAT DAT DAT DAT DAT Peru!

Did you understand what Tim said about the pattern? This subject can be tough if you have not studied it. The trick is to enjoy it! This stuff was fun for people before the TV was invented, ha ha... essays, too. Essays were read at coffee shops for people's entertainment.

:-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 3, 2010   #4
Caught deadly swine flu on her way to Peru!
Too many syllables.

A damsel whose nickname was Sue
Had nightmares about the swine flu
da da da da da,
da da da da da,
da da da da da da da da
(And booked a quick flight to Peru)
OP alswn95 11 / 28  
May 3, 2010   #5
A damsel whose nickname was Sue
Had nightmares about the swine flu
So sought for a place
With little swine case
Caught swine flu on her way to Peru!

"Damsel and Swine Flu" is a limerick about a recent health issue-the swine flu-also known as H1N1. This influenza had spread rapidly throughout the world; and airports have been some of the worst places to visit because the flu easily transmitted between travelers.

My limerick used the AABBA rhyming scheme. In addition, it uses enjambment because the lines flow on each other without any use of punctuation. The mocking tone manifested the situational irony in the limerick. Sue decided to flee to Peru thinking it would keep her safe from the swine flu, but she got the swine flu on her way to Peru.

The situational irony developed the theme of my poem: fear is responsible for rash decisions, "Had nightmares about swine flu/So sought for a place/With little swine case/Caught swine flu on her way to Peru!" (2-5). Her fear about being infected with swine flu was so great that she only thought about escaping to the country with the least confirmed case of swine flu, overruling the truth about the hazardous plane.

The new revised one. Thanks Kevin.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 6, 2010   #6
Nice!!

it would be even better if it said:
Caught swine on her way to Peru.

That meter would be PERFECT!! But... it would not make sense this way SO I would write....

Embarked on a flight to Peru.

:-)


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