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Down the canal in "Venice" - Poem.

turquoisia 1 / 3  
Oct 11, 2011   #1
Hello readers!
This is quite new for me; posting my writing and poetry online, but I think that this is a great advance for contribution from not only the people around you but also from people all over the world, from different countries and cultures. Anyway, this is my poem, "Venice":


Her eyes were glittery,
Dazzling as diamonds,
Reflecting the dark river,
That rolled in waves
Down the canal.

Her dark hair,
It was as fine
As the elegant velvet
Of elaborate ballgowns,
Swept to and fro,
Amongst the warm liveliness,
Of the Balls.

Her cherry lips,
A delicate flower,
With crimson petals,
Curled invitingly,
Dangerously, alluringly.

She was lithe,
So pale and fragile,
Wrapped in a breeze of blood hues,
Yet standing tall,
With head held high.

So, the feedback I'm hoping for is constructive criticism, such as suggestions to replace words that for example, may not be as descriptive. Also, advice on how I structure my poem will be greatly appreciated. I'm happy to read comments about what you think of my poem too! :) And yes, this poem was written to describe the city of Venice in Italy. Personally, I have not been there myself, but if there are any suggestions about Venice and icons in Venice or important monuments and buildings that I should include, I am really happy to hear about those.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 15, 2011   #2
I think it's great that you used the past verb tense. I would have used the present tense, but it would not have been as good that way. The past tense makes the metaphor even subtler, because it makes it seem like you are telling a story about an encounter with this girl.

I don't like the line that says "of the balls." But I like everything else about this. If I was going to suggest a change it would be to change that line.

I especially like "Wrapped in a breeze of blood hues" ... I like the sound of it, but I don't understand a breeze of hues. I like the idea of something being wrapped in a breeze, but my mind trips over the idea of a breeze of hues.

Anyway, I like this poem, and I'm glad you found EssayForum.
OP turquoisia 1 / 3  
Oct 16, 2011   #3
Thank you for your feedback!
Okay, cool, I'll consider those. Yeah, I thought too, that 'of the balls' was a little too blunt. I was looking for balls that were well-known specifically to Italy, or even Venice, where only the higher class or aristocrats attended. I couldn't find any so I wrote that...Do you have any suggestions?

As for the 'wrapped in a breeze', I wanted to convey an image of a tall woman clothed in a flowing crimson dress. That might not have worked out so well..Maybe I should reword it -again, anything in mind? I'm thinking, 'clothed in [a breeze of?] blood hues'. I'm not sure if 'a breeze' gives the right imagery.

Thanks again for the feedback! And yes, I'm thrilled about contributing and posting in EssayForum :)
casemarie 2 / 2  
Oct 16, 2011   #4
I love the line "wrapped in a breeze of blood hues"--it stood out to me even before I read your comments so I would suggest keeping it as it is. I love the imagery of a bold, red dress lightly swirling around a woman. The contrasting images that one line creates are really amazing. Great poem :)

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