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ESL art poem - Mona Lisa


vincenthessel 1 / 3  
May 10, 2010   #1
hi i need to write a poem for ESL of how the picture made me feel. i choose mona lisa.

I am in the woods and saw it in the woods
is that a rabbit or a basketball?

Rabbits hop and
B-balls bounce and
once I had a rabbit that resembles Shaq

its moving in the bush
and it is orange
so probably a rabbit but maybe a basketball

what does it sound like?
What do I feel like?
Is she a man or a woman or a basketball?

There is an ancient french poetry creature
it is called
haicouxIt is about the basketball:

Boing Boing Dribble Jump
Omellette au Fromage et Baguette
The ears don't go in the hoop

But why is she looking like that?
Is she looking
if it is a rabbit or a basketball?


thanks you i just want to know whats wrong and how to make it better thx again bye

edit- oh no this should be in poetry but now i cant move it sorry sorry sorry!

EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
May 11, 2010   #2
Oh my, I am blown away by your poetry. I was ready for a boring description of a painting, in poetry form, only to have the pleasure of reading this. I could only make a few suggestions, as you see here, but they are only suggestions. You are a unique and interesting writer! Awesome poem.

once I had a rabbit that resembled Shaq

it's moving in the bush

Is she...(should this word be 'it'?) a man or a woman or a basketball?

Is she looking (to see?)
if it is a rabbit or a basketball?
OP vincenthessel 1 / 3  
May 12, 2010   #3
thank you

i wrote "is she a man or a woman or a basketball" because maybe then will the reader guess, that mona lisa is a basketball. is mona a she or it?

thanks again this helps
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 16, 2010   #4
Capitalize French.

But why is she looking like that?
Is she looking to see
if it is a rabbit or a basketball?

It really is an excellent poem! I'm grateful for the opportunity to follow your thought process.
OP vincenthessel 1 / 3  
May 19, 2010   #5
Hi guys my teacher gave me a D because there isn't the basketball or rabbit in the painting but thanks for helping anyway. I made the corrections but maybe i'm just not a good poet. thanks again.
EF_Susan - / 2,365 12  
May 19, 2010   #6
No, you are an excellent poet, please don't let one "teacher" stop you from writing. You know the saying, "those who can't do, teach"? Classic example.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 20, 2010   #7
Your teacher obviously does not know what a poem is. Please recommend EssayForum to him, so that I can explain to him the purpose and nature of poetry.

This poem achieves something that many poets cannot achieve, and it helped me to see the painting in a new way. More importantly, it helped me to see a moment of your own contemplation.

I hope you will link the teacher to this page so s/he can see that other teachers disagree with the negative assessment. If you had been assigned to write a descriptive essay, you would be wrong, but because this is poetry the teacher is wrong.

I wonder what kind of poem the teacher wrote about the Mona Lisa. I wonder if that poem could impress me the way yours did!
triplesmickey 1 / 39  
May 21, 2010   #8
... Exactly what do you feel, Kevin? For I feel rather obscure his poem. I do not know where the rabbit really comes from, and how the basketball finds its way in and out throughout his poem. Maybe I am too unimaginative, but can anybody please explain?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 22, 2010   #9
For I feel rather obscure his poem.

The best kind. This poem planted a familiar and powerful image in my mind (the Mona Lisa) and then took me on a trip into a completely abstract, dreamlike experience.

I assume the title of the poem would let the reader know that it is about the mona lisa, and this creates such TENSION in me as I read, wondering where the mona lisa comes into play. At the end I see that an imaginative kid is taking an uneducated, totally natural, open-minded look at this image. The ears don't fit through the hoop.

Wow... boing boig dribble jump, the last thing I would expect to see in a poem about this famous painting. How irreverent and satisfying! How refreshing!

:-)


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