Foxhole, Bloodshed - Some poems help

Hey there. I was wondering if someone can edit/review these poems for me please!

Foxhole

Zigzag like the Nile.
Garbage in a small bin.
Secure by the parados,
but only by the rear.
Surrounded by ketchup.
Geography of the Trenches.

Lines.
Front and support.
Attacked by the paper balls and fortress built. <- (is that a good metaphor for: "bombarding and barraging?")
Reserve.
Watching, waiting, and entertained by the overflowing tea-pots.
Rest.
Enjoying the luxurious gravel like a soccer ball on turf.
Life in the Trenches.

Weapons.
Pencil and staples.
domination.
Odor and sight like dead ats on a sunny hot day,
chlorine gas neutralized. <- (does the dead rats work w/ the chlorine gas?)
Maxine and Vickers,
adequate.
Lee and Ross,
not so much.
Warfare in the Trenches.

Casualties.
Sanitary conditions poor.
Reek of the rotting sandbags, rotting corpses, lingering odor poison gas.
Chatting; pyrexia or trench fever.
Machine guns,
slaughter.
Left in no man's land...
Death in the Trenches.

The Bloodshed began.

For that one, my teacher said I needed more figuarative language and 5-sense detail. I just need someone to edit/review it and see if it's okay (like the metaphors and everything) and then I'll try to add more. Thank you.

2nd poem:
Sand

Sand;
I held it,
brown granny granular.
Danced in my hand.

Butterfly;
Yellow sunlight
Brown cinnamon bun.
Danced in my hand.

I open my hand...

My palm with long brown lines
I kind of don't know how to end it. I just stop there after my palm. Any help would be appreciated. Thank-you.

3rd poem/haiku:
With large and big buns,
The meat was tender and fresh.
McDonald's Big Mac.
For the haiku, I kind of don't know how to add 5-sense detail and figurative language as it's limited to a number of syllables.

Any help on either of the poems would be greatly appreciated. Thank-you very much.

Greetings!

I'll be happy to give you my impressions. Please understand, though, that I don't know much about how to write poetry; I can only tell you what occurs to me about it as I read. :-))

Attacked by the paper balls and fortress built. <- (is that a good metaphor for: "bombarding and barraging?") - This struck me as not quite right because it seemed as though what came after "paper balls" should be something similar, to balance it. "...the paper balls and [adjective] [noun]." Sorry I can't give you an example, but I don't know enough about what you were trying to say. To me, it doesn't equate to "bombarding and barraging."

I love the over-flowing teapots! :-)

I think the dead rats are fine :-) Just be sure to put an "r" on the word; it seems to have fallen off. ;-))

Sanitary conditions poor - This struck me as a little too predictable. My first thought was, "Sanitary conditions--not" but you might want something a bit more sensory-rich, like "crush the lungs."

Consider changing the last line to "The bloodshed begins" to keep your tenses the same.

In the next poem, I'll confess, I don't "get" the "granny" bit. Is this a reference to a grandmother? Why? Could you have meant "grainy"? I like the line, "My palm with long brown lines"; my first thought was to add something like "...cups the world/" and then make some kind of metaphor about sweat and oceans...

For the Big Mac haiku, I think I'd go with fewer connecting words that don't add to the imagery. For example:

Sesame seeds crunch
Meat oozing tangy sauce
McDonald's Big Mac.

I hope this helps some!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com