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She glistens as the water glistens; Water Poem


MadisonUp 1 / -  
Jan 22, 2010   #1
Just looking for comments/thoughts.thanks!

She glistens as the water glistens.
Save the ostentatious, no, she
Is not a diamond.
She is far more delicate.
For Lady Diamond proclaims, for all to see,
"Look at how lovely I am!"
Look at my radiance! Look, World, at
How I glisten!
And World watches. And World gawks and
Applauds loudly and whispers coolly and
Secretly envies and hates.
No. She is not a diamond.
She glistens as the water glistens.
RabiaG 1 / 30  
Jan 22, 2010   #2
I love it! The only line that seemed like out of the rhythm, was Secretly envies and hates...
The "hates" part is incredibly a strong word, try another word.

Hope I helped. Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 24, 2010   #3
Who is she, I wonder.

I think this is a tough part:
proclaims, for all to see----------- you proclaim for all to hear, not see. However, see how you like it with a different word.

For Lady Diamond appears, for all to see,
"Look at how lovely I am!"


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