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"Loneliness" - poety help.


lostnnverfound 1 / 3  
Dec 7, 2008   #1
please review this poem...and tell me how can i make it better..it is an assignment due on wed.10,2008..the title of the poem is loneliness!! and be honest and mean i don't care i just want to know if its good or not and what can i change. also please correct me on my grammar mistakes..thank you!

so here it is..

Loneliness

she remembers the time she first dreamt
of becoming a mother, a wife, and a caring friend
but now her life hangs from a thread
just her shadow and her
is what she sees in the mirror
now even her shadow starts to disappear
this loneliness is killing her
this emptiness is eating her

of this loneliness will she ever be free?
in her life will she ever dream?

she thinks she is just a simple girl
but you know what girl, you are a pearl
she used to win the battles of life with glory
now she has become an emotional refugee
now she cries all day
now she stops only to pray
not looking back in her past as it reminds her of all those frays
no one can see what she sees
no can feel how she feels
no one can understand what she means

of this loneliness will she ever be free?
in her life will she ever dream?

now she sits there all alone
even her shadow is now gone
she keeps praying all day long
she can't go home; there is nothing there
its nothing but fear
its nothing but a broken dream

of this loneliness will she ever be free?
in her life will she ever dream?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 8, 2008   #2
Instead of:

just her shadow and her
is what she sees in the mirror

You can write:

She and her shadow
Were the only reflections in the mirror.

Or something like that...

I like this stanza a lot:

now she sits there all alone
even her shadow is now gone
she keeps praying all day long
she can't go home; there is nothing there
it's nothing but fear
it's nothing but a broken dream
tanty 3 / 4  
Dec 9, 2008   #3
uhm. You may get B+


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