I have to turn in three poems as my final (they have to be written this term), but I need some advice on two. I think I'm only going with one of them so the one I can improve the most gets added in. Any advice or critique is more than welcome.
1.)
Obedience
She sat on the edge
of the make-up counter,
kicking her feet
first left, then right.
She made faces
at the smoky mirror,
and at the yellowing walls,
and twirled her pigtails.
"Stay" her mother said.
then left.
She sunk back on the ledge
disturbing [piles]
of concealer and tubes
of bright red lipstick.
She plays with the hem
of her dress and wonders
how long she will stay.
2.)
Brush Your Teeth
I peer
into my mirror
and run
my tongue
over my teeth
they are grimy
from last night's untimely
Domino's order;
bits of bread,
peperoni
"say cheese"
and I smile
That's them, I know they are both extremely short, but any help is appreciated.
Your first poem is pretty awesome. It has a really powerful meaning behind it, and has a relatively interesting topic of obedience, and demonstrates how a person listens to those who have power of them obediently.
Your second poem is pretty humorous, and has its moments, but it is not as good as your first poem. It feels chopped part, and is relatively worse than obedience.
Therefore, I say Obedience should be your final poem.
The goal is improvement, i need to find a way to improve one of them. (blah, maybe i'm just lazy?)
You have to follow your inspiration to improve one. I like the first poem more, because it expresses a lot about the person... many moments, instead of just that one morning-after Dominoes moment.
When you try to improve a poem, you have to have to have an idea of what criteria to use to improve it. It is good to add imagery words and action verbs, but only if they fit with the rhythm of the poem. It's good to use clever figures of speech, but only if they don't feel contrived.
Really, the only person who can judge whether your poem has improved is you, obviously.
I think the 2nd one has the most "room for improvement" because it is simpler, but the first one may have more potential.
:-)
