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Pain... nightmare I can only hope to awaken from.

Stephy1096 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2010   #1
Okay so, this is a poem I wrote not to long ago and I've been wondering how i could make it better.

There is mist in my mind trying to cover the terror that has embedded itself there.
The pain I felt haunts me everyday.
It is a nightmare I can only hope to awaken from.
The bruises and scars cover my body, my mind, and my heart.
My screams still echo in my ears in the darkness.
Pain eats at my soul, making me nothing.
I only wish to be free of the empty darkness that fills my heart and terrorizes my mind.
For the truth is I am nothing more than broken and sorrowfilled.
I am nothing more than pain itself.

Let me know what you think.
TimMill 9 / 63  
Mar 11, 2010   #2
Hey Steph.

Your poem has good rhythm, a definite theme, and all the elements of a good poem. Only problem is, your theme is dreadfully cliche'd. As a result, your poem reads like a livejournal entry.

I would encourage you to keep writing, but if you are going to write poems about topics like pain, darkness, or suffering, then to have some very specific example in you head as you write it. You can choose whether or not to reveal this example, but it will be allusions to this and vague references that keep the reader guessing- and interested.

Best wishes!
Der Tim
OP Stephy1096 1 / 2  
Mar 11, 2010   #3
That cool I really like it. Thanks!

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