Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Poetry   % width Posts: 4

A poem about an unhappy woman


Aina 1 / 1  
Mar 23, 2010   #1
We were asked to make a poem. And I chose to make one about a broken-hearted girl.
This is what i've got so far :

Sun's rising up outside
Light never existed
I'll paint my world black and red
Bit my fingers off, cut off my vein, my eyes won't close
Why can't I do it?

I did everything just to make me bleed
But you're the one who could stop my breathing
How could you do it?

You never learned to hold my hand
Or even touch my wounded lips
These thorns are under my skin
How could you stabbed me
And keep yourself over the moon?

I think it's not that good. It could've been better. Can you help me please?

Thank you.
Notoman 20 / 419  
Mar 23, 2010   #2
There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to poetry, but I think that a few little things will make it stronger ...

Sun's rising up outside
Light never existed
I'll paint my world black and red
Bit my fingers off, cut off my vein, my eyes won't close
Why can't I do it?

Change "bit" (the past tense) to "bite" (present tense). The verbs are already jumping a bit in this stanza, and the past tense makes it jumpier.

How could you stabbed me

This is another place where the verb "stabbed" doesn't fit well. Change it to "stab" instead.

There's some nice imagery here and you have a good sense of word play.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 24, 2010   #3
cut off my vein, my eyes won't close--- no need for the word "off"

I think this definitely is good. You have the most important insight about writing poetry. I see that you have the insight that is all about freeing your mind to express what is in the subconscious, the stuff beneath the surface.

All you need now is to complete the trick, express your real idea. At the end of the poem, refer again to the way light never existed and what that means. OR you can refer again to some other point from the beginning of the poem, and help the reader understand the main idea, that single truth that is central to the meaning of the poem. What is it?
OP Aina 1 / 1  
Apr 29, 2010   #4
Notoman , I think it's a bit unarranged. Though, thank you. It is a big help for me.

EF_KEVIN , thanks a million! And for the advice.


Home / Poetry / A poem about an unhappy woman