My mouth is like a despondent, inconsolable and undemonstrative concrete box, words are locked away
Broken, battered, bleeding; nothing to say
But to obey.
Because that's what we have placed on our DNA.
Which I believe left us in despair without care, in a place where it's grey which means we defray because we were guided astray.
As Martin Luther King once declared "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter"
Today I am here with a message hoping to repair the humanity that's broken
With the words that are spoken.
Listen:
In 35 years from today,
There will be approximately 9.7 billion people that I believe will soon decay.
As you know were increasing rapidly, promptly but sadly irresponsibly. Our unique technique is to make as much money as we can and try not to get broke
What a joke! We run after money in the way of selfishness and greediness,
And we neglect the poor, provoked and powerless people as they are the lowly inferiors.
We believe that were the superior race
And the lower classes are the ones who should be thrown into disgrace
We think that were innovating,
Yet this topic needs more debating,
Because the majority of what were creating
is leading us to our extinction, and it`s merely awaiting;
It's frustrating,
But we have to know that our mistakes right now for the future will be suffocating, exasperating and intoxicating
Humanity, Where is your personality?
As the excruciating days go by I just grow a cold-hearted, aimless, shameless senseless sour soul as I paint a perfect picture of the world, which is nothing short of distorted and contorted, nothing short of a disguise
To try to hide all the lies from behind all the children die and all the lost lives.
I remember a live- changing effective and engaging advertisement on the TV that encouraged me to write this; about the hurt children we dismiss: Legs thin like twigs
. A chest so frail I could see the jutted ribs.
Face sunken which showed the intense outline of his skull under the pale damaged skin.
Let`s not talk about the jagged chin.
Humanity, Where is your personality?
Children are dying
Leaves hurt mothers crying.
Don`t you think that the wealth that we hoard
From the neglected, hungry and the poor is a great war?
Don`t you think that us sleeping on a full stomach while they're left starving next door
On the foul-smelling frigid floor is a great war?
What do we do? Hold our breath and close our eyes, pretended to be dumb deaf and blind? Kids struggling for food,
Why are we so rude? The only reason God let us watch them suffer was to see if we`d bother to care and share;
To see if there is a pound for us to spare
In poor people's health care,
But I swear that we cannot bare.
Humanity, Where is your personality?
This is a genuine concern,
841 million hearts felt discern.
There isn`t a twist,
I believe that this is the reason why we exist.
We are the human race
And our actions have been a phenomenal disgrace;
We need to pick up the pace.
We need to be better than this
The world is begging us to see so, stop supporting fame
And stop playing that killing game,
Why don't we gain?
Media`s airwaves infiltrating home, trains, and planes its voice attracting our brains that's why
We fail to realise that our silence is a crime that is lethal, as we sit and blame god for the problem of evil; remember were one people
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" Lets draw some windows in our concrete box and break the chains that are locked with locks.
Humanity, where is your personality?
I would like to help you with meaning. I enjoy writing poetry, but I think that poetry expresses what you want to convey. I will do my best to help you.
My mouth is like a despondent, inconsolable and undemonstrative concrete box, words are locked away. When I read your opening line, I think you should change the word "mouth". Would you like to use heart? If you decide to make this change, the end of the sentence would read "undemonstrative concrete box that is locked away".
Change this sentence: "Because that's what we have placed in our DNA"
"Thirty-five years from today" Change were to "we are". Place "they are" before provoked.
"As the excruciating days go by, ..." You need to use a comma because if you are reading this poem, it will help you to pause. Also you should state "children that die".
"I remember an effective life-changing and engaging advertisement on the TV..."
"To see if there is anything for us to spare"
I'm unsure about this statement: But I swear that we cannot bare. I know you are trying to think of a word that rhymes with care. Since you use spare and care, you could revise it and think of a statement where you could end with "share". It seems as if you are trying to express how we should care about others.
841 million hearts felt discern.(I am having difficult understanding what this number means). Before you end your poem, I am going to suggest this change: "Lets open some windows..."
I hope this helps!
1st stanza
- Because that's what we have placed onin our DNA.
- Which I believehas left us in despair without care,
- With the words that are un spoken.
Last stanza
- The world is begging us to see, so, stop supporting fame
- And stop playing thatthe killing game,
- Why don'tcan't we gain?
- ...its a voice attracting our brains that's why
Honestly, I'm never entertained reading poems before but your's made me realize that poems has voice too.
I hope the minor corrections I made help.
