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Shinigami - Death God


qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 18, 2010   #1
Death God

If death is what I sought
Perhaps I won't get what I desire
Since my will will surpass the kill
It will be the one ending up dead
Then I will have to fled
Since I really hate the red.

or this is better?

Death God
If death is what you sought
Then you won't get what you desire
Since my will
will surpass the kill
You will be the one ending up dead
Then I will have to fled
Since I really hate the red.
RabiaG 1 / 30  
Jan 19, 2010   #2
Wow. That's deep!
icemaster2340 14 / 34  
Jan 19, 2010   #3
I think the second one is better.

but the 2nd last sentence is not grammatically correct.

Then I will have to flee .
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 22, 2010   #4
Then I will have to have fled
Since I really hate the red.

Hey, the second is awesome! The rhythm, the way the lines grow longer here:
Death God
If death is what you sought
Then you won't get what you desire

That is a crazy build up of syllables...

I still don't understand the end, though, about the red and having to flee.
OP qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 22, 2010   #5
EF_Kevin
Red is blood (bad stuff o.o), so I have to run away!

Anyway, blood represents death. Since most people fear death, they run away covered with fear.

or any suggestion to make a stronger ending?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 24, 2010   #6
Awesome, I see what you mean!

Well, I can't really suggest lines of poetry, because the poem comes from a place in your mind, like something you are excavating.

One thing I'll say, though,
regarding the poem's end
is that it's YOUR play-dough
so you don't have to spend
time rhyming all you say, though
it is nice when you do... but if I were you
I'd feel free to let the last lines lapse into rythm-less, rhyme-less prose.
OP qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 24, 2010   #7
Ok, thanks! I will try that when I feel to write another poem. :) Sometimes the rhyme does make the meaning a bit unclear.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 24, 2010   #8
How about like this?

You'll be the one to end up dead
And by then I will have fled
Since I really hate the red.
OP qomoco 24 / 107  
Jan 24, 2010   #9
EF_Susan
Thank you, that does make it sound more clear and fix the grammar error and keep the rhyme.


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