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8 syllable poem (popular in Thai)


alphatio 2 / 8  
Jul 22, 2012   #1
I'm very new to this board, hope you all help improving and revising my poem,

This is called "8 syllable poem", a very popular in Thai. You can easily see the pattern of sound between the sentence. I tried to use this same pattern to write in English, however because of my English skill, which still lot of incorrect grammar, any advice would be appreciated.

This is actually not an assignment, frankly speaking is kind of hobby. I put here 5, and hope you all love it,

Poem 1

Love is like the sound of wind blowing
it's like when bird sings in the night
it brings happiness to life
made me try to be better man

To be worth enough on the sky
do not make you cry, let you down
I will take what it needs anyhow
stars shouldn't been on the ground, any day

Poem 2

On the sky very far away
some could say a word through space
regardless of distance and fate
the glance he once made, you're the one

Poem 3

The phase that I have to go through
the time that I do know will happen
but it's harder than before then
where is all strength that I had

It may gone with the wind in that day
that I pray for things I wish for
should I leave, walk along, no recall
and let everything all in the past

How long my faith will it lasts
many things pass, forget and go by
it doesn't matter how I try
I hope my mind stay the same

Poem 4

To the one I give very thought
to the one I could fought and die for
to the one I give everything all
to the one I call "My sun & stars"

the one that I want to be with
the one I could sit and watch eyes
everything is yours, all my mind
above on the sky in one day

Poem 5

I can be strong man protects you
I can say you're beautiful, makes you smile
hold you in the shade, let you shine
never... never cry, just hold me

Let me have a chance in your heart
be a part that makes you happy
don't know what the future will be
we will see, will face... forever long
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Jul 29, 2012   #2
new one

Please fly as high as you can be
open the heart to see better things
and do as what the fate brings
use your wings achieve what you desire.

I will wait on the other side
where you might come along, be with me
if that's thing you want, what's to be
walk and see, our life getting old.
gauravwalia1988 - / 14 4  
Aug 3, 2012   #3
In the sky very far away
one could say a word through space
regardless of distance and destiny
the glance he once made, you're the only one...
Marylin_Monroe 1 / 1  
Aug 3, 2012   #4
Love is like the sound of wind blowing
it's like when birds sing at the night
it brings the happiness to life
makes me try to be a better man
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Aug 5, 2012   #5
Thank you to you all.

Here's the new one

I don't know what is in your thought
but of course, I know what's in my mind
to hold you in the end, that's why
be with you close by, never far

Poem is just a tool for language
for things to be said, to be told
things I thought, I hope, things I vow
everywhere I go, life's timeline

It is not just words, beautiful
not just when I feel blue, and just write
it is the future in my sight
which I fight, sacrifice and live for

To hold and to love, not possess
to be best for you, to worth it
give my heart, the whole, every bits
to live with till end of the time
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Aug 5, 2012   #6
Hey, nice job with these new poems-- I have some ideas

I don't know what is in your thoughts
but of course, I know what's in my mind
to hold you in the endfor all time , that's why
be with you closenearby , never far

Poemsisare just a tools for our language
for things to be said, to be told
things I thoughtponder , I hope, things I vow
everywhere I go, life's timelinelong path
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Aug 6, 2012   #8
Thank you Jennifer Reeves for your revising.

Could you help me on the personal project? It is, however, this kind of poem but I really want to surprise someone, the special one.

Therefore, I don't want to public on the website.

Since this site doesn't have the message system. Here is my email : alphatio@gmail.com

However if you are not able to, it's OK, I do appreciate all your help, but if this is possible, it will help me a lot :)
slithereen guar - / 3  
Aug 6, 2012   #9
Excuse me. But could any one go to my link and help me, my English was so bad, so I really need your help, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Aug 17, 2012   #10
new one, for the special one as always :)

Everyone says you're cute, that's true
gorgeous and beautiful, yes of course
all the things, all men want and sought
what is left for me to say, dear

I do not have words to tell you
but I'll open my soul through, show my heart
all good and all bad, all the parts
years will pass, season changes, you know me
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Aug 21, 2012   #11
new one

It takes days to find the "right words"
It takes months afterward to progress
It may take many years ahead
I might chase something never exist in this World

Will I still do it?, yes certainly
Will I be sad and depressed? yes, might be
Should I do what I did, we will see
you and me, on the road of destiny

One life, I was born to love you
to be with and fulfill each other
like moon and stars that I see yonder
how wonderful my life since that day
OP alphatio 2 / 8  
Aug 26, 2012   #12
new one

I will walk in the dark, that's OK
because I know that you stay by my side
your warm will keep me through the night
All the things I fight will worth it

We may step on the rock and fall down
we may hear some sound that makes us apart
it is not that bad, cause you know my heart
everyday that passes is a special gift for my life
chuva 3 / 9  
Aug 29, 2012   #13
I like no.1 so beauty


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