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I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt")


amie 1 / 7  
Mar 19, 2009   #1
please help me to correct my poem,, I don't know how to write senses poem, and this is my first poem..

feeling doubt

it is gray,
as the cloud when it will rain
sounding like a bunch of nonsense
it is fancy,
as a spicy food
smelling like sulfuric acid
it is shapeless
as the earth we walk on
felling doubt of you drives me insane

please correct the word if i have made some mistakes and reply it as soon as possible.
thank you for reading my message,,

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 19, 2009   #2
feeling doubt about you drives me insane

Nice. I see that you matched up the meter of a few lines, but not others. Did you get tha rhythmic effect on purpose? It has good rhythm... but you may have other ideas if you hear just the thumping of syllables without the words. Can you read this without forming the words in your mind, but instead just feeling the rhythm of the syllables? Do that, and make whatever changes come to mind.

it is fancy,
as a spicy food
smelling like sulfuric acid (how is it "fancy" like "spicy food"? and if it is like spicy food, why does it smell like rotten eggs? Just a thought...)

I like it.
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 19, 2009   #3
thank you.

i think you have same opinion as me,, but i don't know how to write the word of food that has many taste so we can't feel the taste anymore,,and what should i call it in english?

i am a beginner in english,,

please help me..because i have to submit it now or saturday ( the latest time to submit it).
thank you so much for helping me..
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 20, 2009   #4
The key to writing successful metaphors is to explain the points of comparison. If you say "doubt is like spicy food" it doesn't make sense. But, if you say, "doubt burns like a spicy meal, upsetting the system and preventing all rest" it makes more sense, because you have explained how doubt is like spicy food. So, the more detail you go into, the stronger your comparisons will be.
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 20, 2009   #5
it is fancy,
burns like a spicy meal
upsetting the system and preventing all rest
it's smell like sulfuric acid
...your nose
it is shapeless,
as the earth we walk on
feeling doubt about you drives me insane

i don't know the word that i have to put after it's smell like sulfuric acid,,
would you like to add it?
is it better???

thank you so much..
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 20, 2009   #6
Hey, what happened to the first few lines?!! I really liked them! You re not getting rid of them, are you?

How about "dulling the senses" instead of "...your nose"

I don't know, it's your poem! Something you said indicated that English is a second language for you... is that right? It is impressive that you can write a poem in a foreign language!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 20, 2009   #7
"assailing" is the word you are looking for, I think. That would give you "it's smell like sulfuric acid
/ assailing your nose," which makes sense, at any rate. I don't know if it's what you meant or not, though.
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 20, 2009   #8
owh,, i will write the first few lines..calm down..yes,,I study english as my second language. I'm an Indonesian.
Thank you so much for both of you,,i think my poem is getting better than before.

I'll write it down again:

" feeling doubt"

it is gray,
as the cloud when it will rain
sounding like a bunch of nonsense
it is fancy,
burns like a spicy meal
upsetting the system and preventing all rest
it's smell like sulfuric acid
dulling the senses
it is shapeless,
as the earth we walk on
feeling doubt about you drives me insane

well, may I ask a question?
I don't know the meaning of "assailing". I've tried to find it in my dictionary but there's not the word in it.

thank you so much.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 21, 2009   #9
It's like the word, "assaulting". On the news, you might hear of someone being beaten up and robbed. The person who did the beating and robbing is the "assailant". :)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 21, 2009   #10
Assail can also just mean "to have an impact on", though, so you have the advantage of a double meaning here, that "assaulting" wouldn't really give you.
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 22, 2009   #11
yes, i see..

can i ask another question besides poem?

my lecturer also asks me to make a zine..

is there any rules in making the zine?
please, give me some suggestion to make it..
^-^
thank you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 22, 2009   #12
Do you mean some sort of magazine? Like... an e-zine? I have thought about making one of those! It seems like a cool idea. If you come up with a great idea for a theme, maybe you can make a popular e-zine and get advertising revenue from it!

Please start a new thread and give it a title that relates to making a "zine." You'll have to write a short description of what the assignment involves, so we can all collaborate about it. As of now, I am not sure what you mean!

Post a little description of the assignment, and also post your preliminary ideas about it. Then, we can help. Remember to start a new thread, so we can stay organized. Give the new thread a good, descriptive title.

Thanks!!!!!
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 27, 2009   #13
hi..

I've written a poem. I want to put this poem in my own zine..the topic of my zine is about environment..please correct my poem, i believe that i have made some mistakes in making this poem..

save my life

a single leaf's falling
swung by the wind
looking for a better place
not knowing where it goes
tree is not safe anymore
branch seems bad
lacking of water
because of water
" what should I do now?"
a simple question
but, do you understand it?

thank you so much....
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 28, 2009   #14
Can a leaf swung by the wind be described as looking for a better place? Or is it adrift, caught in the currents of chance, always passive, never active, never able to articulate or to act on its desires?

Why the movement from the leaf to the tree? You need to add more detail to connect up the ideas of tree and branch and water. As it stands, it is not clear what the significance of the image is, beyond the obvious symbolism of aridity and being cut off from one's roots standing for a sense of uncertainty and loss.

Otherwise, it looks good. Good luck with the revisions.
OP amie 1 / 7  
Mar 29, 2009   #15
umm..
thank you..

oh yeah,, I've made a mistake in typing it yesterday. i mean lacking of power because of water..
i am going to revise it.

thank you Sean.
MSNYCBRATTY 2 / 10  
Mar 29, 2009   #16
the more i explore this site the more i see the different terms of writing had to go and look up what is a zine
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 29, 2009   #17
a single leaf is falling
swung by the wind
dried and dead now
not knowing where it goes
tree is not alive anymore
dead leaves fall from dead branches

Looking at the tree, one might find it hard to believe that the same wood, so dead and dry, would be infused with new life in the upcoming season.


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