Rough Draft
Child Obesity Gone to Far
By: Kelsey White
So many childrens lives are endagered because of being obese. Obesity is caused by laziness, bad eating habits, no activity done on a daily or even once a week. These children are our future but, some are passing by the time they are thirty. Childhood obesity has gone up over the years from all over the world. Terrible thing if it just keeps going up. There needs to be a way to make it go down. No child deserves to live obese . No child deserves to not be a kid and live life to the fullest but the obesity is causing them to pass before they even get the chance. It is now time to make a change to fix what is causing this to them. Is it the technology that we are surrounded by? What about the less activities we have the chance to do as we grow up? Or the bad habits we need to get a hold of a break? Can it be a part of what the parents are doing or letting their kids do? So many questions that need to be answered and there are so many questions that go unanswered but somebody needs to get to the bottom of this for the kids ake. The future, their future children and our society growth. Obesity in children and young adults is becoming an outrageous number all over the world and something needs to be done about soon.
Unhealthy food is everywhere you look is it not? Grocery stores, fast food restaurants in every corner, school lunches, vending machines. I could go on and on about where but that would take ten pages long. TOp question is why is healthy food more expensive than unhealthy food? Isn't that odd. You go to the store and 20 donuts is a buck but a watermelon is 3 or 4$ but if you want it pre-sliced it's like 7-8$ now that's crazy. Here is a scenario you go to wendys and you want a burger and a water bottle and the cashier says the water bottle is 60 cents more. Then you say, " a Pepsi will do" It is almost hard to go down a healthy path especially if you're on a budget. It is almost unfair to you. Some say parents have to be responsible when packing school lunches! This one is crazy to me because I feel as a parent you should want your kids to have a healthy lifestyle. In a way that is not the case everyday kids open their lunch and there is a cupcake, twinkie, donut, ext and this is everyday! PArents think about it you contribute to your kids unhealthy lifestyle and create bad habits! How about some watermelon or cantaloupe something in that category. Why does there need to be a cupcake in the lunch box everyday? There doesn't need to be and that's the thing. Cut back on things that can be controlled. I did a test, I went to the store with my mom and without her knowing about my topic I [put a basket inside the cart and I told her to feel this basket with unhealthy stuff and the other basket with healthy stuff. She did look at me odd but accepted it. We did two separate transactions and we spent about 65$ in unhealthy stuff and that was about 25 items. With healthy stuff we spent about 48$ and that was about 8-10 things. I realised many things needed to be changed.
Obesity children and young adults lives are at risk everyday. Their life span becomes shorter and shorter. When will that person realize a change needs to be done ? hopefully before it is to late. It is time to make a change and make the lifespan of kids today longer a lot longer. Hold out your fist, now put your other hand around your fist and try to pump your fist. It is very difficult right? Well that can be all the fat that somebody puts into their body. The heart can only take so much. As much as the heart tries to go on everyday it will eventually stop when the heart realises enough has been enough. As children grow older in school things tend to change. For example, Children are required everyday from kindergarten to eighth grade to take a physical education class but, in highschool they only need one credit of physical education. That is only one year they are required to take. The other years it is up to them. Why can it not be a requirement every year for these teenagers who should a ton of energy? I feel as back in the early school ages children were pushed more to do physical activity. After eating lunch children were able to go run around and play basketball, soccer, and football. In highschool there is thirty minutes to eat and sit.I get where the highschoolers need the independence to do their own thing but, obesity rates will continue to get higher. If there is an option to play basketball at lunch I bet people would rather do that then talk. Also, if the only option is to take physical education every year then there should not be a problem because teenagers won't know any different. Thanks to Michelle Obama for wanting to change the schools health codes. The vending machines have health bars, no more cookies can be sold or brownies or any other unhealthy foods. Schools need to follow such restrictions on health code and at least that is something.
Bad habits are hard to break especially for children and young adults. Food habits are hard as well. When people sit on the couch to watch a movie they want to eat a snack through the entire movie but, now it is time to put down the snacks and just watch the movie. People's daily drive to work is to always stop at a starbucks for a 1000 calorie drink if not more EVERYDAY but instead of everyday try once a week then once every two weeks. Now there is a healthier habit created. Drop the old habits and create new and better ones. I work at a grocery store and a fast food restaurant but, at the grocery store I decided to try and ask every customer how many times a week does your family eat at fast foods and top answer was 4 out of 7 days. That is a lot of days to be eating at fast food also a lot of money. There could be so many healthier choices. people should cut it down slowly instead of 4 days a week make it 3 days a week then 2 days, then get it down where you can go a whole week without fast food. Substitution can be put in place of bad habits in a positive way and even a slight change can be a big one.
Technology has taken over our children's lives. Every other day new games and game systems and computers and phones come out and it is something children have to have! Where can you find your kid? Outside running around? No inside in the room where they have been sitting for hours and hours in front of a tv screen. What has changed from 10 years ago till now? technology and parents being strict on their children as well. Let me explain maybe this was not for everyone but. I remember if there was technology around we earned it, we had an hour of TV time if were lucky. Also camping for me even as we grew all devices got taken away for the week because it was supposed to be family time l, outdoor and enjoyment. I have a little brother 6 years younger then me and he does not even get his technology taken away for a day if he does anything wrong like bad grades. Things change over the years especially the ways parent, parent. All technology and all these devices is going to do is continue to grow and grow and there is nothing anyone can do about that. All that can happen is parents restrict the time they have on their devices also when they get a phone. My first phone I was 12 and the only reason for it was because I got good grades and was in a ton of sports and leadership at school. I see 5 year olds running around with 10 devices and have YouTube channels. Everyone needs to find an equal ground on when stuff is allowed.
Many facts, reason, and opinions and they can only go on for so long. Where children stand today in life in very important to where they will be in ten years. These unhealthy issues need to be solved very soon. These children that our future need help. If they do not get the help they need it can end terribly. Children should not be taking health pills that are for adults either but they are. They also should not feel uncomfortable in their own skin either. Parents need to become more strict on their children when it comes to playing video games all day, eating unhealthy snacks , and what they buy at the store. Parents are my audience for this paper which says a lot because parents are almost every adult out there
MLA Citation
Gingrich, Newt, et al. "Newsweek."
"Obesity Prevention Strategies." Obesity Prevention Source
"OECD Health Statistics 2018."
Whiteman, Honor. "Childhood Obesity: Is It Being Taken Seriously?" Medical News TodayHello. After reading your paper, I found some that need correction:
1. CHILD OBESITY GONE TO FAR -> TOO
2. ...no activity done on a daily or even once a week... -> and no activity done on a daily basis.. (I think a conjunction like and at the beginning of this would make coherence)
3. Childhood obesity has gone up over the years from all over the world. Terrible thing if it just keeps going up.
Better: Childhood ... over the world, which would be such a terrible situation if this trend remained (A second conditional is better here)
I think your essay is a little bit informal, just in my opinion, sorry for that if I am mistaken. It is more like a magazine article about health than an argumentive essay. If I were you, I would use the word people instead of the pronoun you, which makes the essay more formal and general. Also, some relative clauses would be effective.
I appreciate your paper with plenty of information. Those above are just some suggestions that I would like to share with you.
Hope that they are useful!
@KelseyWhite
Hi there!
Welcome to the forum. Let me do my best to provide you with an analysis of your writing.
Firstly, be cautious of creating stringy and lengthy sentences that do not have much composition and structure. Focus on having simplistic and yet reasonable texts. Having that balanced delicacy with your writing will help you in the long-run in curating lines that are more substantial. Pack all the meaning and definition you wish into smaller chunks of text.
Try to also evade the usage of repetitive words. Even when you're working with synonymous content, try to evade these things as it does not add to the overall substance of the message you're trying to portray.
Looking at your second paragraph, I can tell that it's too stretched out. Try to omit lines here that appear to be rambling. In that light, having an informative tone to an argumentative essay would also help you create a more believable tone to work with. Argumentative essays do not have to shove particular opinions on people - rather, they have to be laying out the details in an organized manner to make the readers believe that there is genuine substance in the text.
Furthermore, omit the usage of informal terminologies that do not positively contribute to your essay. Focus on having that appropriate structure throughout - and it will go a long way.
Best of luck in your writing as always.
