Mothers and Fathers and Their Loving Influence
People, no matter the age or station in life, thrive under a positive environment. For a child to spend their early stages of life in a loving and nurturing home, proves to have greater advantages at a healthy and happy life. Children who have happily married parents that are involved and loving can have the greatest influence on the health and wellbeing of their children. In a day and age where most marriages end in divorce it is important to try to understand the emotional effects that it can have on the children of divorced parents.
One of the great fears for a child is that their beloved parents will get a divorce and life as they know it will never be the same. When my parents had their normal arguments, I always feared for the absolute worst. A lot of times, after the arguing had ended, I would ask if they were going to get a divorce. The response was always the same, "We will never get a divorce." As I look back at my childhood, it was a complete dream come true. My parents loved us unconditionally, we loved them both unconditionally and they loved each other unconditionally. Children come into this world loving both their parents unconditionally. The thought that the two people they love the most, no longer love each other, can be extremely difficult for a child to bare. "Children often think they caused the break up. They may think that if parents can stop loving each other, they can also stop loving them (The Effects of Divorce on Children)." Unfortunately divorce is prevalent in many couples and for a massive number of reasons.
Marriage is the joining of two persons who love each other and vow to sacrifice for each other until death do them part. Marriage takes nurturing, attention and diligence. If a couple is lazy or indifferent, divorce is often the result. Divorce is the beginning of the end for those same two people. Divorce can be the end result for a number of reasons. Spouses can have affairs, become dependent on harmful substances, develop abusive behavior, or any other selfish behavior that is not mentioned. Whatever the reasons may be, a marriage ending is due to an action, emotion, or feeling that has come to an abrupt end. Not all divorces have hostile endings but for those that do, this can be overwhelming for the children involved.
Divorce, no matter what good it can bring about, will always be the result of something negative. So when taking a close look at children who endure divorce, it becomes quite obvious that from the start they are dealing with some sort of adversity. From young children to grown adults the damaging consequences of divorce can be felt. Leila Miller is a grown woman who struggled throughout most of her life due to her parents divorce. Following the divorce of her parents, her father moved to a different state and became a heroin addict and her mother was disengaged. Her mother also surrounded herself with men of bad integrity. One of which made advances towards Leila. She writes of her accounts in Primal Loss: The Wounds of Divorce No One Wants to Hear About:
"For a long, long time, I felt like a tree that was uprooted with its
roots dangling above ground. I can even remember saying it out loud
to people. I had deep-seated feelings of low self-worth and fell more
deeply into a life of sin."
The struggles that children and adults of divorce face can vary case by case. Divorce brings about an unanticipated change that can either be good or bad. It could be very easy for a child or young teen to see their parents divorce as an act of disobedience. A child could interpret their parent's role as "love me, take care of me, and do this together." When that step towards divorce happens, a child or young adult could view this as a decision to step away from those responsibilities. A rebellious attitude could ensue. "You're not doing what you're supposed to do, so why should I follow the rules?" Emery D'Onofrio explains, "Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families."
It is important to remember that children have no choice in the decision to divorce. Their whole lives are drastically changing and they can do nothing. The security disappears as the questions of "why?" appear. "Particular damage is done by the breakdown of communication between parent and child." (Graham Techler , what adult children of divorce want parents to know) The frustration and helplessness of every relationship, routine, environment and possible financial changes can only bring a child to a breaking point. Expectations to continue everyday actions and responsibilities in a normal manner are ridiculous. Feelings of guilt, anger, and loneliness are normal. Insecurities inhibit children from trying new things which decreases their potential to learn. The statics for secondary and higher education is much lower for children coming from homes of divorced parents. (Jane Anderson, the impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce)
Couples that marry and then conceive children have generally about or planned their future. Many of them have refrained from dating until they are ready for marriage. When these couples finally start their lives together they are on the same path, have the same expectations and can support each other with the same goals. Once children are born, family life is forever changed. For some families it becomes stressful, for others it is the greatest blessing bestowed upon them. No matter which category one falls under, there are sacrifices that come hand in hand with raising children. Finances, time, privacy, sleep, work, relationships, space, cars and much more changes with the birth of a child. Children are life changing. They change your life and you change theirs, for better or for worse! For all these reasons children should be considered before going ahead with the decision to wed. No child should be abandoned or neglected through divorce because parents were too selfish to plan. Married couples with the same values who work hard, stay positive and love unconditionally will create a healthy and loving atmosphere to raise children. They in turn will thrive. Children in these surroundings are happier, more confident, do better in school and are healthier both physically and mentally than children living in homes of divorced or single parent. Children raised in a married, two parent home have many advantages created through their environment. Many of advantages instilled are intangible and will last a lifetime. If all children were conceived by prepared, committed, happy couples who planned their Marriages instead of their weddings it would change not only the children but the world.